but i did learn lots of good things in those early days. i learnt a lot of shit too, but some of the good stuff has stuck. there are two things in particular that have been running around in my mind this week, two pithy little sayings that, like most stereotypes, contain a kernel of truth.

one is never judge other peoples insides by their outsides. and the other is to always have an attitude of gratitude. its very easy to think that other people have superfantastic lives and to be bitter and resentful about that, especially when you focus on what you dont have based on what it LOOKS LIKE they have. it can be hard sometimes to not have had a rosy upbringing with lots of parental support, to have gone off the rails and to have had to fight your way back (im not talking about just myself here), and to find yourself 10 years behind your peers in relation to the things you’re SUPPOSED to have done to have a successful life… the right job, the mortgage, the babies.

but these are external measures that more often than not force people into yokes of obligation and stress, when it might not even be the things they want, and are no sure road to happiness anyway. i was just talking to trent about this this afternoon – this idea that we’re meant to buy into – that happiness is some great big thing, with fireworks and designer everything. and i said you know, i think happiness is just really the little things. all this week, i have felt wave after wave of gratitude for the small things in my life, the life i do have, the life i live, the one that i think matters, that i judge by my own internal standards, not someone else’s appearance.

it helps that i have finally landed the job i want. obviously, im still on the short term contract, so its not THE JOB yet, but i had a career development meeting with my head of school this week and we talked through the timeline for the advertisement and interviews, and what kind of things i need to have ready, and we’re looking at decisions being made in august. but things have happened this week that make me feel like im a more permanent part of the school already. the move to the new office has helped, as i talked about a few posts ago. this week though the transition was complete. the temporary incorrectly spelled ‘kylie’ on the door was replaced with a proper sign

the temporary single desk designed for a share room

was replaced with a proper L shaped desk

so i can sit at my computer properly without getting RSI

and dont have to have my back to the door but face out into the hallway and have people say hello when they walk past

in my career development interview we talked about the big research project i’m trying to put together, it was the idea i went to the universities of virginia and pennsylania with and now hangs outside my office for everyone to see

and ive written a detailed proposal for the bits of it that i need to do now, the bits that can wait a few months, and the bits i need to go overseas for. my head of school was more than happy to give me some money on the spot to get to archives in sydney and canberra over the next month or so, so i can put together the material i need for some quick papers and the two international fellowships im applying for later this year. im blown away by her support.

i sent that proposal to my mentors at upenn and i got some fantastic feedback. my intellectual hero even called it ‘a fascinating premise’ and gave me some pointers about things to consider and what archives i would need in philadelphia, washington DC and back in new york (state. westchester, to be precise, at the rockefeller archives). my knitting colleague in brooklyn and i have been talking about working together, we think we have an idea close to ready, and the director of the barbara bates centre in philadelphia who was so nice to me when i was there will be here in australia next week for the international council of nurses congress in melbourne, at which im giving two papers (i fly down on monday). we’re having dinner together tuesday night and she’s going to read my proposal on the way over and then we can talk about what i need to do to make it happen. if im lucky i might find myself back stateside over our summer.

ive also been involved in some other really exciting projects this week with my lovely friend sam, we have a few things on the boil that we think the uni might fund, and im so happy to be working with someone who appreciates my strengths, and has let me tap into hers. i think i see big things in our future.

so this is my superfantastic life. when i was a kid, i only ever wanted to write. i wrote my first novel when i was 10. i wanted to be a famous author. now i dont care about the fame, but the writing is still the thing that burns inside – and ive found a way to combine it with my other great love, which is reading, which is not really about reading so much as it is about learning. i love being this busy everyday, i love how much energy i have to get things done, how i have a little idea for a subject im teaching and say to someone ‘oh maybe i could make that into a digital resource’ and next thing i know im building a project moodle that the whole school will be able to use. this week ive had other staff ask to have lunch and help them work out their own research issues. ive been asked to run a session on critical theory in health research. i come home, cook dinner, and read some more, or knit a little, and fall into bed exhausted but happy. im not having so many bad dreams or waking up in cold sweats. i did wake up at 230am with an idea for a paper though!

its a superfantastic life because im happy about the small things. im enjoying being independent and having time to myself. im doing little things around the house, fixing a hole in the fence, sorting out cupboards, even enjoying the housework! this week it got cold so i pulled out the rug and laid it on the floor, all by myself (heavy rug, heavy furniture).

i also rearranged all my pictures so the van goghs are together on one wall and i can sit and stare at the rothko i got block mounted.

there are two more still to do, and one will go into work. i love the independence of a car to drive to and from work or to visit friends, i love coming home to my sweet little dog who is always so happy to see me

i love feeding her and bathing her and training her and going for walks with her. im not rich but i love having enough money to do what i need and not be stressed or in debt, and i love thinking that if i get my permanent job i can make an offer on this house that i love,

or buy a different one somewhere else, or not buy anything except a plane ticket.

yes there are things i want, things i miss. sometimes i get sad, or angry, or lonely. there are times when i want to be in washington DC or new york city so bad its like someone stuck a knife in me. but then i think about how quiet it is here, and how i see this every night when i park outside my house

and i remember how important it is to be grateful for what i do have, to accept the things i cant change, to get on with the things i can.

lucky me

k xx

im still getting settled in my office, they put a new name thing on the door and left off the I in ‘kylie’

better than some variation of ‘carley’ i guess. they’re going to replace it though.

there was a lunar eclipse of the sun. it hurt my eyes (yeeeees i know you’re not supposed to look at it).

saturday i caught the train up to sydney

its a lovely train ride along the coast

and was a warm humid day. not at all like autumn.

it was blissful to be alone on the train for an hour and a half. as we sped through the bush, i read this very interesting book which is giving me lots of ideas

southern sydney suburbs slipped past as we crossed the georges river

and then we disappeared underground as we approached the city

i got off at central

and met up with missfee to have coffee and wander along hipster crown street in surry hills

it was ‘inner city knitters guild meeting’ and we had lots of fun in our lovely room above surry hills library

then a few of us wandered down riley and campbell streets where autumn is starting to make an appearance

to our usual hipster haunt, orto trading.

fantastic baked eggs, which i regret not ordering. i wanted ice tea (now addicted to it thank you america) but they were out, so i had organic ginger beer instead. so freaking hipster

thats a sock im knitting. its not for me. i tried to take a hispter selfie but jane insisted on being silly

i dont think she looks a day over 35 do you? then i got on the train to head home, reading my book again

and it got dark and stormy as we headed south, and was raining by the time we came out of the bush at stanwell park

the rain didnt stop the weekend motor bike riders,

this is a really great piece of coast road to ride on, so i dont blame them. i love being in sydney, but this train ride home always takes my breath away.

yesterday was mothers day here. i hate mothers day. i was really angry most of the day, thinking about how i was so completely failed by my own mother, who didnt believe me when i told her i was being abused, how she sent me and my sister to school covered in bruises, how i had to mother her, and mother my sister, and never got mothered myself. sometimes i feel like shannon noll.

then i snap out of it, and realise im not angry im just sad, and it makes me sad that other people get to celebrate that day and i dont, but i read this great blog post and then this one, and talked to some friends who are in the same position, and i think of how many great mothers there are out there who do great things, and i remember im a grown up now anyway and thank god i dont have to talk to my crazy arse bitch of a mother if i dont want to.

so i did lots of chores around the house, happy to notice the magnolia finally showing signs of autumn (because ENOUGH ALREADY of the goddamn sunshine)

i got some information from my mentors at the university of pennsylvania about how to be a visiting scholar there, so that inspired me to make another mind map of my project

making it into a picture instead of words showed me how there is central idea running through everything im working on, and i can feel it starting to come together, and its very exciting.

then i cooked myself an awesome dinner

and loved my gorgeous girl

and that face just about says it all, really.

k xx

but settle it has. strangely, its been helped by moving offices at work. which has me thinking about this whole concept of intellectual space, and the idea of a ROOM of my own, which is what this whole blog is about. a while ago i tried to start an extra blog, a work one, where i talked about my crazy arse ideas in a way that wouldnt annoy my friends or the people who read this blog for the knitting content (although i suspect those people abandoned me long ago. knitting? what knitting?!)

so i was going to start that up again, but something happened at work that made me realise what a bad idea that would be. the reason it didnt work before was because it felt fake, and forced and also kind of wanky. and this week, i had a meeting about me taking on this big postgrad subject as the course co-ordinator. the subject is called Reflective Practice, and its about how as a health practitioner you have to be aware of your own position all the time. its you, yourself, acting upon the mind or body of someone else, a someone else who is not just a symptom but also a whole person, complex, contradictory, confusing. and i was talking to the current co-ordinator about how she introduces herself to the students, and how she tells them her story, so that she models the principles of the course in  the way she teaches it. and then i got feedback about this big nursing history paper i’ve been trying to write, and two people said ‘it needs to be a reflection, it needs to be your own personal story of how you got to your way of thinking’.

and it was like a lightbulb went off over my head. people ask me how i come to be working in nursing when im a historian by training but probably a sociologist by inclination. sometimes i simplify that by saying i just do history of nursing, but thats not what i do at all. my head of school told me yesterday that the old course-cordinator was really excited about me taking over the course because ‘i just got it’ and i do. that course suddenly highlighted for me why i am where i am, and what skills i bring, and how history and sociology and theory and research all tie together, in both the subject matter and approach to that course, but also to me as an academic.

and to me as a person, because they are not separate.  i am not the academic i am, i am not the thinker i am, without my own personal history. that history influences the theories im interested in, the way i write, the way i teach, the  objects and subjects that make me angry, distressed, passionate. its the ability to bring that with me into my work that makes the work ring true, that gives me something to say and the energy to say it with, and that closes the circle in relation to who i am. my work gives meaning to my life and my life gives meaning to my work. suddenly everything makes sense.

so i made a mind map on the big white board in my new office with the great view

and out of that one simple circle comes all the different projects, that are not always history and nursing specifically, but are always connected back to that centre. i’ve done a good job the last few days of listening to peoples advice, offloading things i cant handle, pushing back on things i cant do, and finishing things i really wanted done. i worked hard on sunday and again yesterday on a paper that i’ve been lucky enough to be asked to contribute to. despite much procrastinating, it was finished yesterday

i think i’ve mentioned my new friend sam, who has come up here from melbourne. not only is she a TOP CHICK , she also loves dogs

(apparently she loves dogs who love the ocean – that is her trying to stay upright while oscar goes for a swim and lila tries to figure out what the hell is going on). apart from that, sam and her lovely family have welcomed me into their lives personally with open arms, and now sam has done the same intellectually by asking me to contribute a theoretical framework to some research she already had underway. i cant give the specifics because of the nature of the funding, but once its been approved by the funding body, we will be submitting it to one of the high end sociology of health type journals, probably qualitative health research (even though their guidelines to authors are 60 pages. not thats not a typo. the article is only 22). so this paper isnt about nursing, but its about developing the theoretical part of my work, and while it feels like an offshoot, its really not. its how i think about everything, applied to one particular health issue.

and now i’ve got another offshoot to work on, which is a presentation for a conference in melbourne in a couple of weeks, which will then become the aforementioned article on my personal reflection through nursing history, which will then become a lecture in the subject im teaching now, and then my opening lecture for the new subject next semester. and its also the approach that will underpin my fulbright application. yes im going to do it! i have support from the relevant people, so its all systems go – applications open in a week and close in august so i have some time to get it all together, and then cross my fingers.

i finally feel good and together and strong again. and im all fired up about recent political bullshit here where women are still being told that their worth lies in motherhood rather than careers, where millions of dollars get spent enabling THOSE women to have it all and those of us without kids for whatever reason are seen as less important, assumed to have more time, less responsibility, not facing the same internal career barriers, and it makes me more determined than ever to make my career really count, to embrace my intellect and be the ‘woman of calibre‘ i know i am.

in a strange away, this is all because of getting my own office. its made me feel like i have a right to my space, both physical and intellectual, that i am valued by my school and have a contribution to make, and that they expect me to make it. and that reminds me what virginia woolf herself said, that a woman must have a room of her own and 50 pounds a year if she is to write. which takes me back to why i started this blog, and why it makes no sense to have a separate one for work, and so im just going to keep writing about my work and my feelings and my dogs and my knitting in the one space, because they all make me who i am, and because everything is always connected.

k xx

i realised this week too it isnt just work, i have been stressing out about organising an exhibition stand for my knitters guild (something like what i did last year for the easter show) and on friday it all got a bit much so i wrote a long email to my friends asking for advice and the advice was unanimous. drop it kylie and focus on whats important.

whats important is my career. i dont want my work to be stressful. its actually the most important part of my life. that doesnt mean it gets to be easy, and there arent hard times, but it shouldnt be the thing that tips me over the edge, that has me not eating properly, not sleeping, crying for no reason, freaking out about going to the supermarket. that is not right.

so im refocusing. i have asked to hand over the exhibition co-ordinating and the guild have been supportive. a bit of paperwork today and i can get rid of it. i feel really bad about it, i hate being one of those people who commits to things and then pulls out. but things changed last week at work, in a good way, and i want to be able to enjoy those changes, and make the most of them, and not stress about knitting, of all things!

the good things at work? well i moved offices for a start. because im on a short term contract i’ve been sharing an office, but because the intention is to make me permanent (if im successful in applying for my own position in a few months time!) and because im teaching, my head of school thought i needed a space to myself. so thursday and friday was spent moving from here (a rather pokey little cupboard)

to here

its still not finished,

that table under the window is going to go and im going to get an l-shaped desk so that i can have my back to the window and not to the door. ive got heaps more books at home to take in, and both of the rothko prints i bought home from NYC with me are in the shop being framed, so i will hang one of them in my new space as well. i have a big window, with a view of trees and a nice breeze, and lots of natural light, and im right near the school office so people walk past and see me and drop in to chat and its great.

also this week has been about carving out my intellectual space in the school, so i was asked to co-ordinate a large postgraduate subject called Reflective Practice. its not nursing specific, its a course taken by a lot of mature age health professionals wanting to improve their approach to their practice, so it touches on issues of self awareness, theory, method, philosophy, history, sociology and critical reasoning. its right up my alley and im looking forward to it. its a big responsibility though, we offer it on 4 campuses, online and in Hong Kong, and i have to transfer it over to moodle too before july. so theres lots to do.

i just need to focus now on whats going to help me. that means taking care of my diet and shopping properly, getting some exercise every day, taking time out to just sit and knit

(i am up to the pockets on atelier and will be able to wear this soon), hang around with the people i can talk honestly to and say no to things if i have to. one thing i learnt in america was how much i actually enjoyed being on my own. i thought i hated it, thought i needed to be around people all the time, but really i dont. its been a blessed relief this week to come home to this space

and just breath. its been an up and down few months. i havent always handled things the way i would like. im still a bit raw emotionally, and thats also because this month signifies 4 years since trent and i split up. that sounds like a long time but its not really, and everyday i learn something new, move on a little bit more, get a bit clearer about who i am, what i want.

and then there’s my lovely girl.

friday night Lila spent over at trents house so i could get up to sydney early. by about 3pm yesterday i was just itching to get home. it sounds silly, but in a few short weeks she’s become a big part of my life. she’s super smart, very people and other dog friendly, affectionate, cheeky and lively. she is a breath of fresh air in my life, and puts everything else in perspective.

and now its sunday morning, and im going to go get dressed and take her for a walk, and then im going to come back and write some more on that theory paper, and maybe knit a bit and do my washing, and cook something healthy for dinner, and be thankful for the life i have, and hopeful about where it’s heading.

k xx

im finding it a little hard to focus. it’s been a stressful week and i’ve been trying to think of a way to write a post that doesnt sound like one long white middle class wallow, because i do so hate a wallow! so i’ll try not to wallow.

the stress this week has been mostly work related. as part of my old job, i was working with my boss on a big university wide policy project. it was a project we were asked to do by the senior deputy vice chancellor. we’ve spent nearly two years on it. about 12 months ago the university got a new vice chancellor and he’s been on a restructure war path ever since. everything is changing, all the time. its a difficult place to work right now, and people are stressed and anxious and also, kind of bitchy. there’s a lot of jostling for position. and my old boss has been removed from his old position of extreme power for…well not much. its hard to watch that happen. he’s been good to me, but for some reason, he’s seen to be aligned with the old regime and the old regime is on the outer.

so on monday, when we met with the vice chancellor and his advisory group, our two years of work came to…well not much. i was pretty angry. not because of the work, thats the risk you take with policy work. you make recommendations, they get accepted or not. you cant be too attached. but it was infuriating to sit in a room full of suits and be told they wouldnt be going in that direction because…well no one could tell me that really.

i have been thinking a lot about academia the last couple of weeks, whether its somewhere i want to be. ive seen a lot of bad behaviour lately from senior academics who really should know better. a lot of it impacts on me because of the level i’ve been working at, and now im trying to escape that side of things and forge my own path way. i need to do that, or i will be a very unhappy person.

sometimes i think that people think that life in the ivory tower is some kind of breeze. i dont think they have any idea how really incredibly hard it is, to have studied for 10 years, to have earnt these letters after our names, and now to work the way we work, in the realm of ideas, and the responsibility we have with teaching, and the way the goal posts are always moved by some short term political agenda. the way we have ever increasing performance expectations and less money to meet them with, that most of us are on very short term contracts, with the threat of ‘non performance’ always hanging over our heads, working 6 or 7 days a week just to meet all those expectations. the way we’re asked to do a lot more for a lot less than the people who went before us, and they have tenure and we do not. and we do all this for much less money than most of my friends who work in the corporate sector, who then get to chill out on the weekends, while i write the paper i didnt get to finish in normal working hours. and for what?

as a member of generation x, i went into academia because i believed in the power of ideas to change lives, to change thinking. i dont want to be like my parents generation who only care about work for profit. i want to do something that means something.  but its getting harder and harder to maintain the rage in the current economic environment. and personally, i am about half an inch from a complete burn out and meltdown. i am being pulled in different directions by people who i have been helpful to in the past, who have taken credit for my work, and now see they have nothing real of their own, and are desperate to hang on to me. and i dont want it. i just want to be left alone to do what i love.

so i am practicing saying no. i am trying to take things slow and not actually do things just because someone else wants them done. i am practicing the art of the push back. its hard. its hard to say to a senior professor ‘ah thats not my job anymore, you’re going to need to take the lead on that’. but i have to do it.

and i have to look after myself. i took advantage of the beautiful weather over the weekend to take lila down to the beach and introduce her to the ocean

and that helped because it reminded me how beautiful this place is sometimes. i sat out on the back porch and drank tea and read a book (a work book, but an interesting one)

and then i stopped doing that and just lay in the sun with lila, enjoying her mischieveous attempts to get my attention.

i took the time out to go get my hair coloured, in a possibly useless attempt to take care of the increasing grey,

and the walk in the sun up my street from the hairdresser put a spring in my step for a while.

im trying to do these things to stay balanced, to feel ok in my life and not get overwhelmed.

for some reason, im not sure why, i have been a bit overwhelmed with feeling the last couple of days. i’ve cried a lot today…songs play on my ipod that remind me of people, lila does things that remind me of jem, i read articles like this that remind me how much i’ve been through, how much i am still trying to process. i wish i was quicker at just getting over things. but im not. i feel them too hard, too deep. thats just who i am, i should just accept it. not try and rage against it.

so im grateful to be able to work from home today, with my three gorgeous dogs,

and every time i cry, lila comes and puts her nose on the back of my leg, and i give her a cuddle, and then i write a few more crazy words about discipline and excess and the creation of deviance, and i think about the exciting new direction my work is headed and the great people im working with, and tomorrow when i go in, im being moved to a special new office, and well, you’ve got to be happy about that right? so im not going to wallow, because these are all still first world problems, and im lucky to have them.

k xx

this week has been exhausting. being back in the office meant leaving lila at home. she is still small enough to try to escape through some gaps in the fencing under the house, so i have enlisted ricco and possum variously as babysitters, so that i didnt have to lock her inside. i was happy to find her still in the backyard on monday when i came home.

ricco  has enjoyed it, surprisingly. she has learnt how to rumble with him, so now he is interested in her. they play endlessly, chasings and bitings and he rolls her on her back and pins her to the ground with his head. sounds like love! and then they sit together for hours eating bones. she just basically imitates him. its very cute.

possum has liked it slightly less. she is ok with Lila now but wont play with her. she only snarls at her when there’s food involved, but mostly she just glares at me like ‘what have i ever done to you to deserve this stupid puppy?’. she let me know how she felt when i came home yesterday, barking at me at the gate

i had to laugh. thats what happens when you get old and cranky possum. kids are really annoying.

possum and ricco have gone away for a few days with trent and his family, so its just me and lila all weekend. i dont have any plans to see anyone. its sunny at the moment so i might take her down to the beach later and introduce her to the ocean, and then there will be lots more of this

i am desperately trying to finish this cardigan

just so i can finish something. and also because its getting cold and i want to wear it. i am also thinking about thinking about maybe thinking about making a quilt.

you know i went through a sewing thing a while ago? well i hate it. i dont like the whole act of sewing, the whole machine thing, its too technical for me, and also its boring. so thats my biggest hurdle with the quilt thing. i could hand sew it i guess, like the olden days, which would be kind of approriate because all my bits of fabric are quite ‘old fashioned’ (I got those two bundles at purl soho and brookyln general store) and i want to make something very traditional and historic that means something to me, a reminder of america i guess. and i really love this star quilt

but its too complicated for a beginner. so i will keep thinking about it for a while, and probably not do anything. i dont have enough fabric yet anyway.

maybe i need another trip back to america? i’ve been taking lyns advice and surrounding myself with reminders, postcards, pens and notepads, tshirts

and being back in the office has helped. i’ve had to go through all the projects on my list, and work out some plans to get rid of some of them so that i can focus on what i really need to get done. on that note, i gave myself a thorough soul searching about work, and what i want to do and why i want to do it. do i really want to put myself through the stress of a fulbright application? is working in america what i really want to do? are my motives pure? no of course they arent. but yes i do want to do that work, because (all other things aside) i do actually think its important and interesting. so this weekend, as well as finishing a big history of nursing literature review paper, im starting to work up the proposal for the fulbright (and for other grant applications so i can get some money to go to archives).

i never know how much to say publicly about my work ideas, i dont want them to get stolen, but basically i would be using my other big grant application as the basis, and situating that issue in the global history of whiteness. it makes sense to me, and im actually really excited about it. which is a good sign.

i hope that that work will contribute to the way we think about health and work and race, and remind people that very little in the modern world has ever happened that didnt benefit white corporate greed in some way.

lest we forget.

k xx

it doesnt take much to have my inner misanthrope on the rampage. this week i am really not feeling the love. and then there are things closer to home, with idiots on online forums, and the people who give in to them, and useless unsolicited advice, and people who think they know everything and bullshit at work with my boss who is being replaced doing that ‘but i need to finish all the things’ thing and seeing two years of policy work come to almost nothing and really, i just dont care.

i have been at home this week. i was supposed to be on actual leave but then there was a mix up and im not on actual leave, im just working from home looking after the puppy. of course she is completely adorable, growing fast and getting naughtier

digging holes

eating my slippers

making me think that knitting on the lounge with a dog in your lap is pretty much the epitome of perfection

there are other good things to think about: my knitting mojo is back. i thought that whole grant writing thing before i went overseas had been the death of it but no, since i’ve come home i’ve started two new things:

driftwood in madelinetosh pashmina ‘calligraphy’ (from knitty city). and a pair of socks for someones milestone birthday, hex in wollmeise enabled by missfee.

i’ve also ripped back some of the ‘atelier’ cardigan (also in madtosh pashmina, this colour is ‘vintage frame’, also from knitty city, but last time) and started over with a third ball again

you can still see some of the colour change on the front but not the back, and to be frank, its not that bad,

and i just can not be arsed doing anything else about it!

i’m also happy to have some cooking mojo back, this week i made my famous spicy tomato and chorizo soup

and then some really yummy lamb souvlaki

and now the weather is turning cold i think its time for a red wine beef casserole this weekend.

i hope to spend the weekend knitting and playing with the puppy and not really very much else. i have a tenative lunch date on sunday but i think i’m getting a cold, and i just dont feel like talking. im enjoying talking to the dogs (like a crazy dog person and i dont care) and emailing friends, but thats about as far outside my little cave as i want to go right now.

i think its all part of the reconnect – just being with myself and letting everything return to normal. a good friend told me once i am prone to extremes of emotion and she’s right – i dont usually mind but i think i’m worn out. i need things to be flat and boring for a while. i’ve been trying not to think about what happened or not in new york city when i was there, trying to just ignore it, as if just not looking at it will make it go away, or shrink down to some manageable size of hurt. i cant even really let myself feel what i know is there to feel. ultimately, there’s nothing i can do…. to have come so close and then…aaagh see i cant even talk about it. every time i try i sound stupid, or someone says something stupid, and the only thing i can actually DO is let time find some way to make it hurt less.

and stay away from the stupid crazy people. im very grateful for the good stuff around me, like having rosered come visit for lunch on monday and watching connor play on the slippery dip down at the harbour

like the fact that winter is on its way and im getting a guy out to look at the old Aga in my kitchen and see if we can get it fired up for the season. like the fact that i’ve got good stuff happening at work with good people (i finally have a paper almost ready to send off to a history journal).

like the fact that i have her

its a good life in a world of crazy. i’m lucky i have the choice to keep it simple for a while.

k xx

shes smart, and confident, and brave and adventurous. she wants to learn, she follows me around everywhere, she eats my shoes sometimes even while i’m still wearing them

she’s discovered tv (appropriately, game of thrones)

she loves rolling around and killing her toys (dragon puppy)

and rearranging her bed

and getting to know possum and ricco

slowly, carefully

and today she even played with ricco and he tried so hard to be gentle with her, it was lovely. it was such a good decision to get her. she’s tiring and challenging and still so much to learn, her and me, but i can tell its the start of a fantastic journey together.

its so lovely to have something to think about, care about, fuss over, worry about, cuddle, kiss, play with, teach. the best thing is the peace and quiet. i know that sounds crazy, because shes noisy and hectic and exhausting, but there are times when i just sit for half an hour and watch her, with nothing else on my mind, and its exactly what i needed.

it was funny really, because today i left her for the day with trent and tracey, and tracey sent me text messages through out the day of her being spoiled and getting in trouble, and it made me smile, i just wanted to leave where i was and be with her. even though i had a great day. it was just kind of weird.

i went up to surry hills for our monthly knitters guild meeting. i havent been for a couple of months, the last one was the day before i flew to the US. it was a crazy day today with people bringing in their excess yarn for sale so it was a full room and lots of action and noise and talking

i may have unintentionally brought some yarn

and then i had so many people come up and ask me about my trip and i dont know how many times i said ‘it was great, really, fantastic’ and it was, theres not a word of a lie in that, but it was also hard and heart breaking and life changing. how do you tell people that?

i had lots of people surprisingly tell me that they had followed my trip on this blog and really enjoyed it and that was really lovely, i was so pleased to hear more than one person say they loved the way i got out there and just did stuff, and the way i showed a side of NYC they’d not seen before, and how they wanted to go there now (i think i should be on commission!). it was just really great to hear that people were reading when i had no idea they even knew i  had a blog, and that they enjoyed what i wrote. thank you, to those people, you made my day.

it was hard to be back though. i’ve felt slightly disconnected from people since i got back. im still slightly disoriented, and because so much happened while i was there, so much food for thought, im very concious of being in this kind of liminal space. i have this feeling that im perched right on the edge of something major, also because one of my mentors from the sydney uni grant application suggest i apply for a fulbright scholarship. these are extremely prestigious and competitive. i have no illusions about whether i’d get one or not. but i meet the criteria. i have a project. i have a supportive partner university in philadelphia to go to. i could work up a project that would see me there for up to a year. just thinking about that gives me goosebumps. could i do it? should i do it? one of the criteria is ‘the ability of the applicant to adapt to life in the united states’. that made me laugh out loud. how much information would be too much, do you think? “the applicant mixes well with locals”?!

so yeah. theres a lot happening. but it was lovely today to just be with my people, my lovely lovely knitter people, to walk down crown street in the gorgeous sydney autumn sunshine

to have lunch in our favourite pizza place

to gossip and laugh and try and let things slide back into normal rhythms. or as normal as its going to get.

it was good to come home too, to these three lovely dogs,

and now to sit quietly and just knit for a while, and try not to think too much, to just let the reconnect happen at its own pace, and to be ok with that.

kxx

in her introduction she writes “this…underscores a crucial dilemma in contemporary American nursing: the order to care in a society that refuses to value caring”. leaving aside debates about the nature of ‘care’ in nursing, you could take the word ‘nursing’ out and have it apply to just about any facet of social life where care is the currency. im going to be a little bit ‘sexist’ and say this is the dilemma that faces most contemporary WOMEN, and i want to talk a little bit about how it affects me and what it’s got to do with getting a puppy.

(gratuitious puppy shot. this is lila, in my arms on the way home yesterday).

there has been a rash of babies among my friends the last couple of years. its an interesting phenomena, the well established career women, suddenly finding themselves mothers, by design or otherwise. i was used to having a group of friends for whom children were not the main talking point. now they are. thats been a difficult transition and not just for me. there are all sorts of reasons why i dont have children and my feelings about it are complex and fraught. there is an assumption, still, in this world that if you are a childless woman you are heartless, cold and careerist. less than a woman somehow. its sexist and patronising and patriarchal and i hate it.

having said that, not having children sometimes makes me really really sad. i used to be very maternalistic. im the oldest child, i protected my sister, i took care of my crazy-arse fucked up mother, i ran the house, i cooked, i cleaned. i babysat the neighbours kids, i worked in after school care, i did primary school teaching at uni, i was a live in nanny. you see the pattern there? i was very well socialised into the female art of caring for others. im not saying men dont care, they do and they do it really well. it just gets displayed differently, usually through paid work outside the home. the fact that womens caring often takes the form of unpaid work inside the home is the root of many continued gender inequalities. but lets not start me on that rant.

what im trying to say is, im a very caring person. just because i am the kickarse mother of dragons on my way to a top shelf academic career, strong and brave and independent and all that, doesnt mean i dont care, and it doesnt mean i dont WANT to care in an active way. im good with kids for a start. i can put pretty much any baby to sleep. i probably no longer have the patience to have one full time (thats why you’re meant to have them when youre 20, strong and stupid), but i know what to do and im not scared of the little terrorists.

not having kids can leave a big hole in your heart. a little over 9 months ago i wasnt really conscious of my heart. a little over 9 months ago i met someone in a hotel in baltimore. we have stayed in contact, and it has not always been easy. we met by accident and never expected to click the way we did. it looks like an easy situation to people on the outside but its not. love never is. and love is not a movie, or a fantasy. real life is hard and awkward. as shakespeare said ‘the course of true love never did run smooth’. my point though, is that i let myself love, i let myself care, when i thought that part of me was done. coming home from america this time, i felt the emptiness of my house and the fullness of my heart and i knew if i didnt DO something, i was going to turn inwards into that black bottomless pit of despair and maybe end up not caring about anything ever again, not even myself.

so i got a puppy. her name is lila. is she not adorable?

thats really the only explanation i have. its danny’s fault. i need to actively care for something that is right here, with me, flesh and blood, not just digital. i need to DO, rather than talk (yes i know, me being a woman of words and all). its like what sarah said in my blog comments, remember the balance. i could have come home and become totally obsessed with work (and i kind of am) but its all in my HEAD. i need something that is not from the head, but from the heart. i need to do something with all that feeling. i know shes a dog and its not quite the same, but last night when i watched her look at me through the bars of her crate, whimpering, it made me cry. i love her so much already. (freud rolls in his grave right about now).

so i did it. i got a puppy. almost on the spur of the moment, i drove down to wagga wagga on sunday night (after meeting alisons’ lovely little human baby Sean, who fell asleep in my arms, so that didnt help with the whole Clucky Much thing) and crashed in a hotel (450kms is a long way to drive in just over 4 hours. no i didnt get a speeding fine). 830 monday morning i was at the Vet’s clinic where she has been since Christmas. when they bought her out i went oh! she sat in my arms and kissed my face, and i laughed at her cute little stumpy tail. she is a border collie/stumpy tail cross and thats just funny considering my previous statements about not getting another cattle dog after jem. i put her in the crate in the back of the car and headed off back across the endless plains,

stopping at Gundagai to water and feed her. she travelled really well, a little stressed at first, howled a bit, but i gave her something to chew on and she settled and slept, and drank out of the fold up bowl when we stopped and didnt pee in the car or anything. we stopped a couple more times, at yass

and goulburn

where we had some lunch (yes she got some sausage roll too)

and then down the hill to the coast. i stopped at trents and introduced her to ricco and possum, neither of whom were at all impressed, and i have bought possum home with me. i dont want lila to be totally alone, and possum is a good puppy socialiser. she doesnt like them, in other words, so she snarls and growls but wont ever bite. lila is showing very good respect for the older dog, and being submissive but not scared, she keeps following possum around hoping she will play and then copying everything she does

and then when shes inside she wants to be right at my feet (hello cattle dog) and last night i let her find her own place and she chose the mat, and i treated her for lying down, so she stayed there.

i had a moment then of complete overwhelm, like oh my god what have i done, i completely forget how to do this, but then 30 something years of dog ownership, 17 of them with trent, who is an awesome trainer, kicked in and i remembered what to do. she slept in her crate all night, im trying to do everything right and not baby her, but set a routine early, so shes outside now and only comes in when i’ve got time to sit with her and play. when we play she doesnt get to jump on me, she gets treats for sitting and lying on her mat or answering her name (already a good response) and as much as i want to be silly and run around with her, i want a stable well adjusted dog who knows the rules and still has a playful streak. so im trying to not fuss over her, not pat her too much, especially when shes anxious, ignore her when shes silly, praise her when she’s good. she seems ok with all this, shes just taking it in and listening and exploring

i think she will be good. we’ve had adventures already with her getting stuck under the back porch, trying to grab my wool off the table, thinking the macbook power cord was a tug toy. all the usual things you learn to watch out for. but she’s super smart and picking up on things, and she looks at me with those big eyes, so small and vulnerable, and my heart just melts.

i can feel things slow down, having her in my life. i’ve been hectic and stressed, and already i can feel things start to come back into perspective. maybe i dont actually need to be in the office 24/7. maybe that email doesnt need to be answered right now. maybe its ok to just sit on the back porch for half an hour and watch her wander around the yard sniffing things.

thankfully, i got an email from work last week saying i had too many annual leave days accrued (i know!) and i needed to take some. i talked to my boss and i wont be going in much the next couple of weeks, and i will try and get a paper or two written as well.

but right now, i think im gonna go care for my puppy.

k xx

i know from previous experience that jetlag is a bitch, and takes about a week to really feel normal again. and yet, how quickly we forget. i expected myself to be fine and back into the rhythm of things and forgot that the emotional turmoil would be even more pronounced this time. the sleeping has been mostly ok, im tired very early, about 9pm, and im asleep by 930, mostly sleeping through to about 530, sometimes 6. every night ive woken up at 2am but ive made myself go back to sleep. my muscles and bones are not quite so achy and it really does look like ive escaped any kind of ’14 hours in a steel tube with other human’ type infections. happy about that.

its been raining pretty much non stop since i got back. good weather for ducks

and it suits my mood. but its making getting the washing done a little difficult, given i dont have a dryer. it is also making everything, especially our lovely campus, look very green and lush

yes, believe it or not thats actually a place of higher education not a tropical rainforest. it has been nice to walk around that campus and breath it in, but the difference between what i saw at UVA and UPenn, especially in relation to the amount of private money spent on health and medical research and education, is making my mind boggle.

of course places youve had a good time at make an impression that might not always be real. but ive taken lyns advice and put little reminders of my adventures around me as much as i can. at my campus office

at my home office

and the hallway is now like a living shrine to mark rothko,

but its more than just the pretty pictures that linger in my mind and make me determined to go back and work there. australian governments like to think we have a high standard of tertiary education and people love to put shit on the american system. the problem with the american one for students is that they have to pay for it. but as an intellectual (not necessarily as a worker) i know where i’d rather be. of course, it comes at a price, and we have a nice quiet life here in the southern hemisphere, but it feels a lot like limbo to me right now.

ive been struggling with that for a while. where do i live, where do i settle, what do i do with my life. once upon a time, i needed to have all those answers. i needed to know that i was settled. but something has happened recently and i dont feel that way anymore. i guess its partly faith in myself, that if i take risks it pays off. which is why i signed a 9 month contract. the potential pay offs are worth the risks. and i dont see my future neatly mapped out before me anymore. my recent travel experience has shown me that i can survive out in the world on my own, that i dont have to be tied to one place, that i can find space for myself anywhere. so i might be in limbo, but its not a bad thing anymore.

i do need to LIVE in that limbo space though, and not just hold my breath and wait for something else to happen. i need to live the life i have right now, not the life i want in 9 months, 12 months, 3 years. i wasnt happy about that earlier this week. not happy at all. i raged against it. i was sad about it. i wanted to be somewhere else so bad it hurt. i was angry with people, they didnt do what i wanted, they let me down, i was not the centre of anyones goddamn world. goddamn it.

and then of course i realised. there is only one person who can make me the centre of their world and that is me. i dont care what anyone thinks about that. ultimately everyone is living their own life. so this is me living mine. people who insist on giving me unsolicited advice or making judgements about me, my emotional health, my personal relationships, probably need to spend a bit more time looking in the mirror than at me.

because really. i’m doing pretty well. 44, mostly happy, great job, still alive. thanks very much. and also, i now realise, REALLY truly strong and brave and independent. not just pretending. i had a meltdown about this earlier this week. it was all too hard, too much. i threw a tantrum like a brat. i sent whiny emails. and then someone reminded me i was not bella swan, i was daenerys stormborn, kick arse mother of dragons.

so i decided to get a puppy. wait, what? i hear you say. how did we get from there to here? well it goes like this. trent and i had two dogs together, jem and possum. we seperated, and i took jem. even though possum was really mine. and then trent moved back in here as a friend, and then he got another puppy called ricco, and then trent moved out, so we shared custody of all 3 of them, and then last october jem died.

still, that brings a tear to my eye. i loved that dog so much. he was like a part of me. he symoblised so much, what the three of us, me and trent and jem, went through together. they were my family. and when he died, so did that family. trent and i are still close, but its not the same. so i need to make my own family now. and i need to find something outside myself to love, something real and close, not just fantastic and distant. and yes i know this is a dog and not a person, but look at her!

her current name is lola but i think i will call her lila. she is 13 weeks old, rescued by a vet clinic down at wagga wagga. she a border collie cross

im not sure about the cross, they say she is slim with small feet. the border collie will usually out in a cross, so i think thats a good choice for me. i did think about another full pedigree cattle dog, but i would be always comparing it to jem, and that wouldnt be fair, and there are enough puppies in the world that need rescuing.

i am driving down tomorrow night to get her, and will be home on monday with her. im going to have to puppy proof the house, and my boss is letting me work from home, and  i went shopping for supplies just now.

i wanted to buy her ALL THE THINGS! so i only bought some. i will wait till i meet her till i spoil her rotten.

i dont know if this is the right time. i dont know where i will be living next year. but i know she will become an instant part of my rather unorthodox extended family and having her in the here and now makes me feel a bit more settled, makes the everyday limbo a little more livable.

i cant wait to show her to you all next week!

k xx