my superfantastic life

17 Friday May 2013

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most of you who read this know that once upon a time i lived a different kind of life that led to years of rehabilitation facilities and regular attendance at 12 step meetings. i dont do them anymore, after 18 years i dont need to sit in a dingy room with bad instant coffee and hear people whine about their miserable lives. some of them will be the same people i knew 18 years ago, but most of the people i knew then have either gone on to get a life as well, gone to jail, or ended up dead. i think about going every so often, mostly so i can give something back, but then i talk to someone who reminds me how far removed i am from that life now, and i realise i dont need that kind of support anymore.

but i did learn lots of good things in those early days. i learnt a lot of shit too, but some of the good stuff has stuck. there are two things in particular that have been running around in my mind this week, two pithy little sayings that, like most stereotypes, contain a kernel of truth.

one is never judge other peoples insides by their outsides. and the other is to always have an attitude of gratitude. its very easy to think that other people have superfantastic lives and to be bitter and resentful about that, especially when you focus on what you dont have based on what it LOOKS LIKE they have. it can be hard sometimes to not have had a rosy upbringing with lots of parental support, to have gone off the rails and to have had to fight your way back (im not talking about just myself here), and to find yourself 10 years behind your peers in relation to the things you’re SUPPOSED to have done to have a successful life… the right job, the mortgage, the babies.

but these are external measures that more often than not force people into yokes of obligation and stress, when it might not even be the things they want, and are no sure road to happiness anyway. i was just talking to trent about this this afternoon – this idea that we’re meant to buy into – that happiness is some great big thing, with fireworks and designer everything. and i said you know, i think happiness is just really the little things. all this week, i have felt wave after wave of gratitude for the small things in my life, the life i do have, the life i live, the one that i think matters, that i judge by my own internal standards, not someone else’s appearance.

it helps that i have finally landed the job i want. obviously, im still on the short term contract, so its not THE JOB yet, but i had a career development meeting with my head of school this week and we talked through the timeline for the advertisement and interviews, and what kind of things i need to have ready, and we’re looking at decisions being made in august. but things have happened this week that make me feel like im a more permanent part of the school already. the move to the new office has helped, as i talked about a few posts ago. this week though the transition was complete. the temporary incorrectly spelled ‘kylie’ on the door was replaced with a proper sign

the temporary single desk designed for a share room

was replaced with a proper L shaped desk

so i can sit at my computer properly without getting RSI

and dont have to have my back to the door but face out into the hallway and have people say hello when they walk past

in my career development interview we talked about the big research project i’m trying to put together, it was the idea i went to the universities of virginia and pennsylania with and now hangs outside my office for everyone to see

and ive written a detailed proposal for the bits of it that i need to do now, the bits that can wait a few months, and the bits i need to go overseas for. my head of school was more than happy to give me some money on the spot to get to archives in sydney and canberra over the next month or so, so i can put together the material i need for some quick papers and the two international fellowships im applying for later this year. im blown away by her support.

i sent that proposal to my mentors at upenn and i got some fantastic feedback. my intellectual hero even called it ‘a fascinating premise’ and gave me some pointers about things to consider and what archives i would need in philadelphia, washington DC and back in new york (state. westchester, to be precise, at the rockefeller archives). my knitting colleague in brooklyn and i have been talking about working together, we think we have an idea close to ready, and the director of the barbara bates centre in philadelphia who was so nice to me when i was there will be here in australia next week for the international council of nurses congress in melbourne, at which im giving two papers (i fly down on monday). we’re having dinner together tuesday night and she’s going to read my proposal on the way over and then we can talk about what i need to do to make it happen. if im lucky i might find myself back stateside over our summer.

ive also been involved in some other really exciting projects this week with my lovely friend sam, we have a few things on the boil that we think the uni might fund, and im so happy to be working with someone who appreciates my strengths, and has let me tap into hers. i think i see big things in our future.

so this is my superfantastic life. when i was a kid, i only ever wanted to write. i wrote my first novel when i was 10. i wanted to be a famous author. now i dont care about the fame, but the writing is still the thing that burns inside – and ive found a way to combine it with my other great love, which is reading, which is not really about reading so much as it is about learning. i love being this busy everyday, i love how much energy i have to get things done, how i have a little idea for a subject im teaching and say to someone ‘oh maybe i could make that into a digital resource’ and next thing i know im building a project moodle that the whole school will be able to use. this week ive had other staff ask to have lunch and help them work out their own research issues. ive been asked to run a session on critical theory in health research. i come home, cook dinner, and read some more, or knit a little, and fall into bed exhausted but happy. im not having so many bad dreams or waking up in cold sweats. i did wake up at 230am with an idea for a paper though!

its a superfantastic life because im happy about the small things. im enjoying being independent and having time to myself. im doing little things around the house, fixing a hole in the fence, sorting out cupboards, even enjoying the housework! this week it got cold so i pulled out the rug and laid it on the floor, all by myself (heavy rug, heavy furniture).

i also rearranged all my pictures so the van goghs are together on one wall and i can sit and stare at the rothko i got block mounted.

there are two more still to do, and one will go into work. i love the independence of a car to drive to and from work or to visit friends, i love coming home to my sweet little dog who is always so happy to see me

i love feeding her and bathing her and training her and going for walks with her. im not rich but i love having enough money to do what i need and not be stressed or in debt, and i love thinking that if i get my permanent job i can make an offer on this house that i love,

or buy a different one somewhere else, or not buy anything except a plane ticket.

yes there are things i want, things i miss. sometimes i get sad, or angry, or lonely. there are times when i want to be in washington DC or new york city so bad its like someone stuck a knife in me. but then i think about how quiet it is here, and how i see this every night when i park outside my house

and i remember how important it is to be grateful for what i do have, to accept the things i cant change, to get on with the things i can.

lucky me

k xx

on further reflection

08 Wednesday May 2013

Posted by DrK in personal, work

≈ 5 Comments

funny what a difference a few days make. i guess you cant rush your own healing processes sometimes, you just have to let time do its job. i feel like i’ve come out the other side of some weird space where i didnt even know who i was really. i should have expected that, the trip to the US was pretty major in lots of ways and its just taken me a while to sift through it all and let the dust settle.

but settle it has. strangely, its been helped by moving offices at work. which has me thinking about this whole concept of intellectual space, and the idea of a ROOM of my own, which is what this whole blog is about. a while ago i tried to start an extra blog, a work one, where i talked about my crazy arse ideas in a way that wouldnt annoy my friends or the people who read this blog for the knitting content (although i suspect those people abandoned me long ago. knitting? what knitting?!)

so i was going to start that up again, but something happened at work that made me realise what a bad idea that would be. the reason it didnt work before was because it felt fake, and forced and also kind of wanky. and this week, i had a meeting about me taking on this big postgrad subject as the course co-ordinator. the subject is called Reflective Practice, and its about how as a health practitioner you have to be aware of your own position all the time. its you, yourself, acting upon the mind or body of someone else, a someone else who is not just a symptom but also a whole person, complex, contradictory, confusing. and i was talking to the current co-ordinator about how she introduces herself to the students, and how she tells them her story, so that she models the principles of the course in the way she teaches it. and then i got feedback about this big nursing history paper i’ve been trying to write, and two people said ‘it needs to be a reflection, it needs to be your own personal story of how you got to your way of thinking’.

and it was like a lightbulb went off over my head. people ask me how i come to be working in nursing when im a historian by training but probably a sociologist by inclination. sometimes i simplify that by saying i just do history of nursing, but thats not what i do at all. my head of school told me yesterday that the old course-cordinator was really excited about me taking over the course because ‘i just got it’ and i do. that course suddenly highlighted for me why i am where i am, and what skills i bring, and how history and sociology and theory and research all tie together, in both the subject matter and approach to that course, but also to me as an academic.

and to me as a person, because they are not separate. i am not the academic i am, i am not the thinker i am, without my own personal history. that history influences the theories im interested in, the way i write, the way i teach, the objects and subjects that make me angry, distressed, passionate. its the ability to bring that with me into my work that makes the work ring true, that gives me something to say and the energy to say it with, and that closes the circle in relation to who i am. my work gives meaning to my life and my life gives meaning to my work. suddenly everything makes sense.

so i made a mind map on the big white board in my new office with the great view

and out of that one simple circle comes all the different projects, that are not always history and nursing specifically, but are always connected back to that centre. i’ve done a good job the last few days of listening to peoples advice, offloading things i cant handle, pushing back on things i cant do, and finishing things i really wanted done. i worked hard on sunday and again yesterday on a paper that i’ve been lucky enough to be asked to contribute to. despite much procrastinating, it was finished yesterday

i think i’ve mentioned my new friend sam, who has come up here from melbourne. not only is she a TOP CHICK , she also loves dogs

(apparently she loves dogs who love the ocean – that is her trying to stay upright while oscar goes for a swim and lila tries to figure out what the hell is going on). apart from that, sam and her lovely family have welcomed me into their lives personally with open arms, and now sam has done the same intellectually by asking me to contribute a theoretical framework to some research she already had underway. i cant give the specifics because of the nature of the funding, but once its been approved by the funding body, we will be submitting it to one of the high end sociology of health type journals, probably qualitative health research (even though their guidelines to authors are 60 pages. not thats not a typo. the article is only 22). so this paper isnt about nursing, but its about developing the theoretical part of my work, and while it feels like an offshoot, its really not. its how i think about everything, applied to one particular health issue.

and now i’ve got another offshoot to work on, which is a presentation for a conference in melbourne in a couple of weeks, which will then become the aforementioned article on my personal reflection through nursing history, which will then become a lecture in the subject im teaching now, and then my opening lecture for the new subject next semester. and its also the approach that will underpin my fulbright application. yes im going to do it! i have support from the relevant people, so its all systems go – applications open in a week and close in august so i have some time to get it all together, and then cross my fingers.

i finally feel good and together and strong again. and im all fired up about recent political bullshit here where women are still being told that their worth lies in motherhood rather than careers, where millions of dollars get spent enabling THOSE women to have it all and those of us without kids for whatever reason are seen as less important, assumed to have more time, less responsibility, not facing the same internal career barriers, and it makes me more determined than ever to make my career really count, to embrace my intellect and be the ‘woman of calibre‘ i know i am.

in a strange away, this is all because of getting my own office. its made me feel like i have a right to my space, both physical and intellectual, that i am valued by my school and have a contribution to make, and that they expect me to make it. and that reminds me what virginia woolf herself said, that a woman must have a room of her own and 50 pounds a year if she is to write. which takes me back to why i started this blog, and why it makes no sense to have a separate one for work, and so im just going to keep writing about my work and my feelings and my dogs and my knitting in the one space, because they all make me who i am, and because everything is always connected.

k xx

refocus

04 Saturday May 2013

Posted by DrK in personal, work

≈ 6 Comments

i felt bad about my last post, it sounded like i was complaining any way i looked at it, and i have no real right to complain. and then yesterday, driving home from sydney after a day with friends, i realised it wasnt really complaining, it was just stress, and maybe even a call for help. i dont handle stress well, i dont mind being busy, but when i feel too much pressure from too many angles, i get emotional and overwhelmed and forget how to be logical and rational. its been really compounded the last couple of weeks because i come home only to dogs, and there is no one really to just download with, and the dogs look at me kind of of funny when i try and tell them whats going on at work.

i realised this week too it isnt just work, i have been stressing out about organising an exhibition stand for my knitters guild (something like what i did last year for the easter show) and on friday it all got a bit much so i wrote a long email to my friends asking for advice and the advice was unanimous. drop it kylie and focus on whats important.

whats important is my career. i dont want my work to be stressful. its actually the most important part of my life. that doesnt mean it gets to be easy, and there arent hard times, but it shouldnt be the thing that tips me over the edge, that has me not eating properly, not sleeping, crying for no reason, freaking out about going to the supermarket. that is not right.

so im refocusing. i have asked to hand over the exhibition co-ordinating and the guild have been supportive. a bit of paperwork today and i can get rid of it. i feel really bad about it, i hate being one of those people who commits to things and then pulls out. but things changed last week at work, in a good way, and i want to be able to enjoy those changes, and make the most of them, and not stress about knitting, of all things!

the good things at work? well i moved offices for a start. because im on a short term contract i’ve been sharing an office, but because the intention is to make me permanent (if im successful in applying for my own position in a few months time!) and because im teaching, my head of school thought i needed a space to myself. so thursday and friday was spent moving from here (a rather pokey little cupboard)

to here

its still not finished,

that table under the window is going to go and im going to get an l-shaped desk so that i can have my back to the window and not to the door. ive got heaps more books at home to take in, and both of the rothko prints i bought home from NYC with me are in the shop being framed, so i will hang one of them in my new space as well. i have a big window, with a view of trees and a nice breeze, and lots of natural light, and im right near the school office so people walk past and see me and drop in to chat and its great.

also this week has been about carving out my intellectual space in the school, so i was asked to co-ordinate a large postgraduate subject called Reflective Practice. its not nursing specific, its a course taken by a lot of mature age health professionals wanting to improve their approach to their practice, so it touches on issues of self awareness, theory, method, philosophy, history, sociology and critical reasoning. its right up my alley and im looking forward to it. its a big responsibility though, we offer it on 4 campuses, online and in Hong Kong, and i have to transfer it over to moodle too before july. so theres lots to do.

i just need to focus now on whats going to help me. that means taking care of my diet and shopping properly, getting some exercise every day, taking time out to just sit and knit

(i am up to the pockets on atelier and will be able to wear this soon), hang around with the people i can talk honestly to and say no to things if i have to. one thing i learnt in america was how much i actually enjoyed being on my own. i thought i hated it, thought i needed to be around people all the time, but really i dont. its been a blessed relief this week to come home to this space

and just breath. its been an up and down few months. i havent always handled things the way i would like. im still a bit raw emotionally, and thats also because this month signifies 4 years since trent and i split up. that sounds like a long time but its not really, and everyday i learn something new, move on a little bit more, get a bit clearer about who i am, what i want.

and then there’s my lovely girl.

friday night Lila spent over at trents house so i could get up to sydney early. by about 3pm yesterday i was just itching to get home. it sounds silly, but in a few short weeks she’s become a big part of my life. she’s super smart, very people and other dog friendly, affectionate, cheeky and lively. she is a breath of fresh air in my life, and puts everything else in perspective.

and now its sunday morning, and im going to go get dressed and take her for a walk, and then im going to come back and write some more on that theory paper, and maybe knit a bit and do my washing, and cook something healthy for dinner, and be thankful for the life i have, and hopeful about where it’s heading.

k xx

the not so ivory tower

01 Wednesday May 2013

Posted by DrK in work

≈ 6 Comments

i am sitting here at my computer at home, trying to write a very complicated theory paper. see:

im finding it a little hard to focus. it’s been a stressful week and i’ve been trying to think of a way to write a post that doesnt sound like one long white middle class wallow, because i do so hate a wallow! so i’ll try not to wallow.

the stress this week has been mostly work related. as part of my old job, i was working with my boss on a big university wide policy project. it was a project we were asked to do by the senior deputy vice chancellor. we’ve spent nearly two years on it. about 12 months ago the university got a new vice chancellor and he’s been on a restructure war path ever since. everything is changing, all the time. its a difficult place to work right now, and people are stressed and anxious and also, kind of bitchy. there’s a lot of jostling for position. and my old boss has been removed from his old position of extreme power for…well not much. its hard to watch that happen. he’s been good to me, but for some reason, he’s seen to be aligned with the old regime and the old regime is on the outer.

so on monday, when we met with the vice chancellor and his advisory group, our two years of work came to…well not much. i was pretty angry. not because of the work, thats the risk you take with policy work. you make recommendations, they get accepted or not. you cant be too attached. but it was infuriating to sit in a room full of suits and be told they wouldnt be going in that direction because…well no one could tell me that really.

i have been thinking a lot about academia the last couple of weeks, whether its somewhere i want to be. ive seen a lot of bad behaviour lately from senior academics who really should know better. a lot of it impacts on me because of the level i’ve been working at, and now im trying to escape that side of things and forge my own path way. i need to do that, or i will be a very unhappy person.

sometimes i think that people think that life in the ivory tower is some kind of breeze. i dont think they have any idea how really incredibly hard it is, to have studied for 10 years, to have earnt these letters after our names, and now to work the way we work, in the realm of ideas, and the responsibility we have with teaching, and the way the goal posts are always moved by some short term political agenda. the way we have ever increasing performance expectations and less money to meet them with, that most of us are on very short term contracts, with the threat of ‘non performance’ always hanging over our heads, working 6 or 7 days a week just to meet all those expectations. the way we’re asked to do a lot more for a lot less than the people who went before us, and they have tenure and we do not. and we do all this for much less money than most of my friends who work in the corporate sector, who then get to chill out on the weekends, while i write the paper i didnt get to finish in normal working hours. and for what?

as a member of generation x, i went into academia because i believed in the power of ideas to change lives, to change thinking. i dont want to be like my parents generation who only care about work for profit. i want to do something that means something. but its getting harder and harder to maintain the rage in the current economic environment. and personally, i am about half an inch from a complete burn out and meltdown. i am being pulled in different directions by people who i have been helpful to in the past, who have taken credit for my work, and now see they have nothing real of their own, and are desperate to hang on to me. and i dont want it. i just want to be left alone to do what i love.

so i am practicing saying no. i am trying to take things slow and not actually do things just because someone else wants them done. i am practicing the art of the push back. its hard. its hard to say to a senior professor ‘ah thats not my job anymore, you’re going to need to take the lead on that’. but i have to do it.

and i have to look after myself. i took advantage of the beautiful weather over the weekend to take lila down to the beach and introduce her to the ocean

and that helped because it reminded me how beautiful this place is sometimes. i sat out on the back porch and drank tea and read a book (a work book, but an interesting one)

and then i stopped doing that and just lay in the sun with lila, enjoying her mischieveous attempts to get my attention.

i took the time out to go get my hair coloured, in a possibly useless attempt to take care of the increasing grey,

and the walk in the sun up my street from the hairdresser put a spring in my step for a while.

im trying to do these things to stay balanced, to feel ok in my life and not get overwhelmed.

for some reason, im not sure why, i have been a bit overwhelmed with feeling the last couple of days. i’ve cried a lot today…songs play on my ipod that remind me of people, lila does things that remind me of jem, i read articles like this that remind me how much i’ve been through, how much i am still trying to process. i wish i was quicker at just getting over things. but im not. i feel them too hard, too deep. thats just who i am, i should just accept it. not try and rage against it.

so im grateful to be able to work from home today, with my three gorgeous dogs,

and every time i cry, lila comes and puts her nose on the back of my leg, and i give her a cuddle, and then i write a few more crazy words about discipline and excess and the creation of deviance, and i think about the exciting new direction my work is headed and the great people im working with, and tomorrow when i go in, im being moved to a special new office, and well, you’ve got to be happy about that right? so im not going to wallow, because these are all still first world problems, and im lucky to have them.

k xx

memorias

24 Wednesday Apr 2013

Posted by DrK in dogs, work

≈ 9 Comments

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anzac

this is not a post about anzac day. i dont have the energy or the will to rage against nationalistic militarism anymore. its just all so insufferably sad, and mostly because that ‘lest we forget’ thing is so ironic. we’ve already forgotten. we never did really remember. otherwise we would stop the wars. we would stop sending young people off to die. we would stop having bombings and shootings and poverty and starvation and inequities and intolerance that requires putting brave men and womens lives in danger everyday. and its worse when you know someone. so i just cant even think about it. im just sitting here listening to the birds in my quiet little suburb, thinking about what im going to do for the next four days (im not going into the office tomorrow), thinking about how i’ve managed to get through this last week back at work, thinking about how im going to get through the next couple of months.

this week has been exhausting. being back in the office meant leaving lila at home. she is still small enough to try to escape through some gaps in the fencing under the house, so i have enlisted ricco and possum variously as babysitters, so that i didnt have to lock her inside. i was happy to find her still in the backyard on monday when i came home.

ricco has enjoyed it, surprisingly. she has learnt how to rumble with him, so now he is interested in her. they play endlessly, chasings and bitings and he rolls her on her back and pins her to the ground with his head. sounds like love! and then they sit together for hours eating bones. she just basically imitates him. its very cute.

possum has liked it slightly less. she is ok with Lila now but wont play with her. she only snarls at her when there’s food involved, but mostly she just glares at me like ‘what have i ever done to you to deserve this stupid puppy?’. she let me know how she felt when i came home yesterday, barking at me at the gate

i had to laugh. thats what happens when you get old and cranky possum. kids are really annoying.

possum and ricco have gone away for a few days with trent and his family, so its just me and lila all weekend. i dont have any plans to see anyone. its sunny at the moment so i might take her down to the beach later and introduce her to the ocean, and then there will be lots more of this

i am desperately trying to finish this cardigan

just so i can finish something. and also because its getting cold and i want to wear it. i am also thinking about thinking about maybe thinking about making a quilt.

you know i went through a sewing thing a while ago? well i hate it. i dont like the whole act of sewing, the whole machine thing, its too technical for me, and also its boring. so thats my biggest hurdle with the quilt thing. i could hand sew it i guess, like the olden days, which would be kind of approriate because all my bits of fabric are quite ‘old fashioned’ (I got those two bundles at purl soho and brookyln general store) and i want to make something very traditional and historic that means something to me, a reminder of america i guess. and i really love this star quilt

but its too complicated for a beginner. so i will keep thinking about it for a while, and probably not do anything. i dont have enough fabric yet anyway.

maybe i need another trip back to america? i’ve been taking lyns advice and surrounding myself with reminders, postcards, pens and notepads, tshirts

and being back in the office has helped. i’ve had to go through all the projects on my list, and work out some plans to get rid of some of them so that i can focus on what i really need to get done. on that note, i gave myself a thorough soul searching about work, and what i want to do and why i want to do it. do i really want to put myself through the stress of a fulbright application? is working in america what i really want to do? are my motives pure? no of course they arent. but yes i do want to do that work, because (all other things aside) i do actually think its important and interesting. so this weekend, as well as finishing a big history of nursing literature review paper, im starting to work up the proposal for the fulbright (and for other grant applications so i can get some money to go to archives).

i never know how much to say publicly about my work ideas, i dont want them to get stolen, but basically i would be using my other big grant application as the basis, and situating that issue in the global history of whiteness. it makes sense to me, and im actually really excited about it. which is a good sign.

i hope that that work will contribute to the way we think about health and work and race, and remind people that very little in the modern world has ever happened that didnt benefit white corporate greed in some way.

lest we forget.

k xx

living in limbo

06 Saturday Apr 2013

Posted by DrK in dogs, personal, work

≈ 12 Comments

Tags

puppy

well. that was an interesting week. i feel like im stuck on the travellator at the airport, walking while the ground moves super fast under my feet. my head is quite spinny!

i know from previous experience that jetlag is a bitch, and takes about a week to really feel normal again. and yet, how quickly we forget. i expected myself to be fine and back into the rhythm of things and forgot that the emotional turmoil would be even more pronounced this time. the sleeping has been mostly ok, im tired very early, about 9pm, and im asleep by 930, mostly sleeping through to about 530, sometimes 6. every night ive woken up at 2am but ive made myself go back to sleep. my muscles and bones are not quite so achy and it really does look like ive escaped any kind of ’14 hours in a steel tube with other human’ type infections. happy about that.

its been raining pretty much non stop since i got back. good weather for ducks

and it suits my mood. but its making getting the washing done a little difficult, given i dont have a dryer. it is also making everything, especially our lovely campus, look very green and lush

yes, believe it or not thats actually a place of higher education not a tropical rainforest. it has been nice to walk around that campus and breath it in, but the difference between what i saw at UVA and UPenn, especially in relation to the amount of private money spent on health and medical research and education, is making my mind boggle.

of course places youve had a good time at make an impression that might not always be real. but ive taken lyns advice and put little reminders of my adventures around me as much as i can. at my campus office

at my home office

and the hallway is now like a living shrine to mark rothko,

but its more than just the pretty pictures that linger in my mind and make me determined to go back and work there. australian governments like to think we have a high standard of tertiary education and people love to put shit on the american system. the problem with the american one for students is that they have to pay for it. but as an intellectual (not necessarily as a worker) i know where i’d rather be. of course, it comes at a price, and we have a nice quiet life here in the southern hemisphere, but it feels a lot like limbo to me right now.

ive been struggling with that for a while. where do i live, where do i settle, what do i do with my life. once upon a time, i needed to have all those answers. i needed to know that i was settled. but something has happened recently and i dont feel that way anymore. i guess its partly faith in myself, that if i take risks it pays off. which is why i signed a 9 month contract. the potential pay offs are worth the risks. and i dont see my future neatly mapped out before me anymore. my recent travel experience has shown me that i can survive out in the world on my own, that i dont have to be tied to one place, that i can find space for myself anywhere. so i might be in limbo, but its not a bad thing anymore.

i do need to LIVE in that limbo space though, and not just hold my breath and wait for something else to happen. i need to live the life i have right now, not the life i want in 9 months, 12 months, 3 years. i wasnt happy about that earlier this week. not happy at all. i raged against it. i was sad about it. i wanted to be somewhere else so bad it hurt. i was angry with people, they didnt do what i wanted, they let me down, i was not the centre of anyones goddamn world. goddamn it.

and then of course i realised. there is only one person who can make me the centre of their world and that is me. i dont care what anyone thinks about that. ultimately everyone is living their own life. so this is me living mine. people who insist on giving me unsolicited advice or making judgements about me, my emotional health, my personal relationships, probably need to spend a bit more time looking in the mirror than at me.

because really. i’m doing pretty well. 44, mostly happy, great job, still alive. thanks very much. and also, i now realise, REALLY truly strong and brave and independent. not just pretending. i had a meltdown about this earlier this week. it was all too hard, too much. i threw a tantrum like a brat. i sent whiny emails. and then someone reminded me i was not bella swan, i was daenerys stormborn, kick arse mother of dragons.

so i decided to get a puppy. wait, what? i hear you say. how did we get from there to here? well it goes like this. trent and i had two dogs together, jem and possum. we seperated, and i took jem. even though possum was really mine. and then trent moved back in here as a friend, and then he got another puppy called ricco, and then trent moved out, so we shared custody of all 3 of them, and then last october jem died.

still, that brings a tear to my eye. i loved that dog so much. he was like a part of me. he symoblised so much, what the three of us, me and trent and jem, went through together. they were my family. and when he died, so did that family. trent and i are still close, but its not the same. so i need to make my own family now. and i need to find something outside myself to love, something real and close, not just fantastic and distant. and yes i know this is a dog and not a person, but look at her!

her current name is lola but i think i will call her lila. she is 13 weeks old, rescued by a vet clinic down at wagga wagga. she a border collie cross

im not sure about the cross, they say she is slim with small feet. the border collie will usually out in a cross, so i think thats a good choice for me. i did think about another full pedigree cattle dog, but i would be always comparing it to jem, and that wouldnt be fair, and there are enough puppies in the world that need rescuing.

i am driving down tomorrow night to get her, and will be home on monday with her. im going to have to puppy proof the house, and my boss is letting me work from home, and i went shopping for supplies just now.

i wanted to buy her ALL THE THINGS! so i only bought some. i will wait till i meet her till i spoil her rotten.

i dont know if this is the right time. i dont know where i will be living next year. but i know she will become an instant part of my rather unorthodox extended family and having her in the here and now makes me feel a bit more settled, makes the everyday limbo a little more livable.

i cant wait to show her to you all next week!

k xx

kylie and the ivy league: part two

20 Wednesday Mar 2013

Posted by DrK in work

≈ 5 Comments

Tags

Philadelphia, usa2013

its wednesday afternoon here in the northern hemisphere, and my work here is done. i have had a pretty big couple of days, and everything feels a little surreal. is this really my life? is this all really happening?

also, americans are a funny lot. i get the feeling they are actually quite genuine and sincere. like when they tell you they’re pleased to see you, or so delighted to have you here, they actually mean it. in australia, i think we say that stuff and dont actually mean it, so there is a part of me that keeps waiting for this bubble to burst, to find out they actually think i’m full of shit. but really, i think they’re that straight forward, they would just tell me if they thought that too. australia must be a very confusing place – i know its doing my head in being around people who are so goddamn nice to me.

and they really have been fantastic. i can not speak highly enough of the nursing academic community here in the US, not just the historians but the whole lot of them. i have met people from Deans of Faculties to admin assistants and not one of them has not gone out of their way to be helpful and supportive. yesterday i had private meetings with several academic luminaries about the ways to integrate history into the curriculum, and at lunch time they set up a round table for me to talk about what we’re doing at home and to give me ideas. i spent some more time in the archives and then in the afternoon i listened to a wonderful lecture by karen flynn

and there was a whole room of people listening to her talk about intersectionality and the relevance of judith butler for understanding the development of nursing identity and no one flinched (at home, historians suffer from a terribly british antipathy to theory. sigh). she was fantastic, and she signed my book

(yes, she did call me Carly at first!). then there was a reception for her and we chatted a bit and then i was meant to go out for dinner with her and a whole bunch of other luminaries but i was a bit tired and bit overwhelmed so i slunk off. i stopped for pizza on the way home

this was called the philadelphia pie and it was really good. and then i pretty well crashed into bed.

this morning dawned sunny and cold and i walked down to campus all the way down 34th street

and past the law school

and then across to 36th and into the campus precinct proper which is just stunningly beautiful and So Very Ivy

and artistic

and i just cant imagine studying here, walking in and out of these gothic halls. to get to the medical precinct you cross spruce street

and then you’re in the Perelman precinct, i think they pretty well funded most of the medical and nursing education and research initiatives here because their names are EVERYWHERE!

i had an early meeting with my academic idol patricia d’antonio. she has a quilt outside her office, of course (i am in quaker territory after all)and we had met and talked in virginia but she was in conference mode there and she was also part of the roundtable yesterday so we talked generally then, but this morning she set aside an hour just for me and she was so lovely. she started by telling me she was so impressed with my project and she thought i was onto something really interesting, and then we talked about how it intersected with her own background in mental health nursing, and she gave me some names of other people to talk to, and some ideas for sources and approaches, encouraged me to get something ready for publishing as soon as i could, to stay in touch via email and to think about applying for fellowships and grants here. i cant really express how amazing that is. this university, that research centre, its the place you want to be. i felt very provincial at times. and the enormity of my job in relation to getting history into the curriculum, good grief. they basically told me that i am now where they were 25 years ago. so much to do!

but im excited and keen to do it. the best thing about my visit with patricia? she loved the scarf i bought her, she put it straight around her neck. and she loved my shoes. these ones.

she even wrote down the brand name (camper). i think shes probably sick of looking at girls in skinny jeans in knee high brown boots. thats the look at UPenn this spring girls. skinny skinny jeans and boots. ubiquitous and boring, but a vast improvement on our UOW uniform of tights as pants. sigh.

so this afternoon i had lunch out in the sun

and then came back to the bookshop, because it is huge and amazing

and i bought more heavy books (I am already in serious luggage trouble. crap).

and now i am sitting upstairs in that bookshop writing this and thinking about how to structure the journal article i want to write as soon as i get home!

but right now, im done with work for a bit. now i get to relax, and head to NYC tomorrow morning, and have some fun in museums and shops and things.

more when i get there.

k xx

kylie and the ivy league: part one

19 Tuesday Mar 2013

Posted by DrK in friends, work

≈ 13 Comments

Tags

Philadelphia, usa2013

today i went upscale, to an ivy league university. its a little bit overwhelming. i know its just a university. i know i wasnt exactly walking through the gates of st peter. but its a rare thing that a girl like me from a little old regional uni gets to go Ivy. so i made sure i got a good nights sleep (8 hours people, 8 UNINTERRUPTED HOURS! and yes, i have feather pillows). i came out of my room to an excellent breakfast in this gorgeous room

and then dennis, the innkeeper, helped me figure out how to get where i needed to be, and because it was snow raining (0 degrees exactly, with icy water falling but not making snow), he even called a cab. its about 1.6 miles down to upenn and i will probably walk it on wednesday but not today when i was carrying extra stuff and you know, snow rain. so i rugged up (wool socks, hat, mitts and scarf, plus a coat) and let the taxi take me all the way down 38th st and drop me right outside the rather impressive UPenn School of Nursing.

so so impressive. that whole building. one school. i was a bit early so i followed the people with coffee cups and found myself in the cafeteria of the paedeatric research centre. this building forms one corner of a whole medical precinct, the medical research school, the childrens hospital, and the childrens medical research school.

all that power and knowledge in one place. talk about evidence translation. again, so impressive. eventually i found my way upstairs to the barbara bates centre, and it takes a whole floor of the school of nursing building.

yes indeed, a whole floor dedicated to nursing history.

by now, im pretty much hyperventilating. tiffany showed me around and gave me a locker, and we organised my sign in forms for archive access and then she took me up to meet anne marie walsh brennan who is their practice professor and responsible for curriculum development, and we talked a lot about various ideas for integrating history into the curriculum and balancing clinical vs academic needs. i think we learnt a lot from each other actually, it was great. then i talked to julie, the centre director, about directions in nursing history and some of the trends she sees emerging (she gave a great paper about this at the conference). and then, i was into the archives.

see, this is me actually working. oh i cant even tell you how great this felt. i am working with the archives of hildegard peplau. she basically revented (as elizabeth zimmerman would say) the theory of interpersonal relations (and the therapeutic relationship) for mental health nursing, and wrote the seminal textbook in it way back in 1958. she was one of the very first masters prepared psychiatric nurses, and she took mental health nursing in the US into a whole other sphere. im just looking at how she developed her ideas about mental health nursing, what were some of the factors that influenced her thinking and experience, and then i will be looking to see how her influence played out in australian nursing. thats just one little section of the big mental health nursing history project im putting in the grant application for.

anyway, i only got through the second folder in two boxes full of stuff (and ive only requested two boxes out of about 20!) and ive already got so much stuff, just her experience and what she thought about mental health nursing, and ideas about how i can study similar changes at home. its so exciting! the archives close at 4 and i could have stayed all night, but i also had other social engagements, so tiffany showed me the short cut through the main quadrangle (photos of that on wednesday) through the now heavy snow rain, and i jumped in a cab again across the river to meet donna lee on the corner of chestnut and 9th streets, near her work. there was squeal and a hug in a bus shelter, than she led me down the subway and we took the train across the delaware river

(oh my god, what a river. EVERYTHING is big here!) and through the suburbs of new jersey

to meet up with PK at their local train station. then we went back to their cosy little suburban house (the renovations are SO impressive!) where i met the lovely kate and eleanor and i unburdened myself of yarn, wood worked items, timtams, stuffed koalas and vegemite! then we piled into the car and took off to their favourite local diner where PK and donnalee discussed the merits of different ways of doing house fries maybe?

and then i had an excellent burger, and an ice tea

and then there was PIE! lots of pie (mine is the cherry. of course)

and a lovely photo of me and donnalee

and then, because what else do you do when i come halfway across the world, they took me to a new walmart near their house.

holy mary mother of god. it completely blew my mind. its like a kmart only about a GAZILLION times bigger

and it had ALL THE THINGS. all the reeces peanut butter things

all the peeps things

including PEEPS KEBABS!

and then rows and rows of easter stuff, so you could make your own easter baskets, and dye your own easter eggs, which were the subject of much discussion.

it sounds silly to have so much fun going to a walmart, but im not really the average tourist. my idea of a good time overseas is find out how other people live, to try and experience their everyday life and i loved every minute of my walmart experience. i know where im headed come the zombie apocalypse.

and now i am back in my room thinking about the big day i have tomorrow. more archives, more meetings, including a lunchtime seminar from me about nursing history in Australia, and then a book signing and lecture from karen flynn and then dinner out with karen and other upenn faculty.

its enough to make a girl giddy. more on wednesday night.

k xx

university of virginia: round two

16 Saturday Mar 2013

Posted by DrK in work

≈ 6 Comments

Tags

USA 2013, UVA

so i havent been able to blog everyday now that the work has started. friday and saturday were conference days, and it was great, and really exhausting. the quality of papers was really first rate, and it was fantastic to be at a pure history conference (rather than a general nursing conference) where every session had something to offer and i learnt more. i got a special mention for having come so far, and also my work got a mention as something that US historians might want to connect up with, so that was a bit of a thrill, but i still have so much to learn from these people who’ve been doing it much longer than me

i met so many great people, including the Dean of Nursing here, who really went out of her way to make sure i was having a great time and being looked after. ive made connections for future work with people in mental health and indigenous health in canada and here in virginia, and the staff at the history centre were really exceptional, and ran a first rate conference. they also had a silent auction, where you bid on books that can be hard to get, and i won the two i wanted

(the two on the top – the two on the bottom are from the 1st year nursing history subject they teach here that i bought yesterday in the bookshop). so its been an intense few days, and lots of brain power required – i nearly fell asleep about midday today – but really, one of the best conferences i’ve ever been to. also, its just really impressive to be at a university with a school of nursing that takes history so seriously. we really have a lot to learn at home, and im going to make it my job to get us there. on thursday, arlene and mary even gave me copies of their own nursing history syllabus and im going to try and develop a whole postgraduate subject when i get home. its very exciting.

yesterday, i noticed someone behind me knitting, so i sat with her last night at dinner.

her name is winifred and she teaches at Pace in NY, and we talked a bit about knitting and then i said ‘are you on ravelry?’ and she said ‘oh yes i am, oh you’re a REAL knitter!” so today we knitted together

and then she invited me over to her place for dinner when im in NYC. she lives in brooklyn, and im going to combine that with a visit to the general store and toby’s estate. im so excited to be going to a real NYC house for a real NYC dinner! it was also really nice to be able to knit at a conference. no one frowned at me, except perhaps florence herself!

the conference finished up after lunch today and then i change my shoes and grabbed my camera and went for a walk around The Grounds (its not called Campus, i discovered yesterday when someone did that passive aggressive, Oh, you mean The Grounds, thing that people do. yes, that, whatever). it is an interesting set up. because there is a big medical school here, there is a big teaching hospital/health service, and it sits next to UVA on the edge of Charlottesville township. so there is a main road that runs alongside the grounds and the hospital, and there are shops there called The Corner, and its like a little student village. its really cool. there is a proper UVA entrance, complete with gates,

and then you walk around past all these beautiful red brick and white collonade buildings, and walls covered with ivy

and past an ampitheatre, from which i imagine thomas jefferson once held court

then up onto The Lawn, like the main quadrangle, and its lined with buildings (all called Halls, holding classrooms)

and these strange long corridors

with doors leading into little rooms that look like various kinds of social clubs, complete with rocking chairs and little piles of wood for fires outside

it was very quaint! at the end of the lawn is The Rotunda, its undergoing renovations of course but is still pretty impressive with its statue of Jefferson out the front, and the mysterious Z (like the slash of zorro!) on the stairs.

lots of stairways have them,

as well as the obligatory V and sword emblem. i found this very interesting little dedication behind The Rotunda,

just to remind you what really went on here once. And there are other really gorgeus buildings, like this church

and this rather gothic masterpiece, Brooks Hall.

i can imagine studying Poe and Henry James in there, right? (see how i talk like a local now!). then i stopped in at the bookstore again to pick up a bit of UVA merchandise, as you do

and now im watching a thunderstorm pass over from the comfort of my hotel room with its king size bed and five feather pillows!

i probably could have gone to philadelphia today and had st patricks day there tomorrow, but im glad im pacing things out. i got almost 8 hours uninterrupted sleep last night, so if i get that again tonight im going to be pretty well done with the jetlag and ready for another intense three days of work at the university of pennsylvania. they’ve organised a really great timetable for me, lots of meetings, and in the archives, and dinners out, im sure it will be great, and exhausting. let alone dinner at a real new jersey diner with donnalee and family on monday night!!

this is turning into a really great trip, and i feel like i will come away with having achieved a lot in terms of work, and cementing future relationships, as well as with real friendships.

so i think i win this round too!

k xx

patience grasshopper

03 Sunday Mar 2013

Posted by DrK in dogs, knitting, work

≈ 6 Comments

Tags

The Grant

i am NOT a patient person at the best of times. it’s been one of life’s greatest challenges, to learn to delay my gratification, to breath through the hard bits, to just wait it out. but im getting better. much better than i was in my previous life, for example!

but right now, i find myself severely tested. i am jumping OUT OF MY SKIN right now!! its 7 more days until im on a plane across the pacific. 7 days until i get to chicago, 10 until virginia, 13 until philadelphia, and hardest of all, 17 long days until im back in new york city. i am so incredibly wound up, a crazy bouncing ball of excitement, nerves, fear, anxiety and joy. i try really hard not to have expectations these days. i know, whatever happens, im going to have a great time, and im looking forward to so many great things on this trip. seeing places i havent seen on previous trips, hanging out with donna lee and pk in philly, a great conference, exciting work opportunities. i know all of it will be fabulous. and behind all of it looms new york city. i have lots of things i want to see and do and buy there, things ive missed on previous trips. i know, no matter what happens, it will be fantastic.

but theres that little extra thing im hoping for, and i have good reason to hope, no reason to think it wont work out. but still, im scared. what if, what if, what if. its terrible what an otherwise intelligent brain can do to itself! so im just trying to breath, and let it go, and believe. what will be will be. and it will be great, i know it will.

its hard to concentrate right now though. and i do need to concentrate. i have a lot of work to get through yet. as well as fantastic feedback from one of my potential mentors, i got some great comments on the grant back from an extra person at sydney uni, really encouraging and helpful.

she said ‘there is still work to do but the draft is in very good shape’. shes not attached to the grant in any way, and shes an expert in these things, so its heartening to have her say that. ive been working on it all weekend, editing and editing and editing it again and still i am over the page limit. still, i am too wordy

me wordy? oh stop laughing! i have more to do tomorrow, more details in the budget, more editing of other parts. but its getting close. really close.

i took a break today to have a friend over for afternoon tea, she’s going to house sit for me while i’m away, so i made a chocolate flourless cake and did a bit of quality control before she got here. of course.

i tried to get some washing done when the sun came out briefly today but otherwise its just been like this

raining and raining and raining. its making it hard to start packing, ive had to go digging through my winter clothes and the spare bed is like a temporary laundry while i sort through things

and the dogs have been with me this week, which has been lovely, but they are going stir crazy. poor ricco especially, not helped by possum who stole his bed when he got up for a drink.

i dont know where she gets that kind of princess behaviour from.

and lets not even talk about knitting. ive hardly done any. i cant sit still long enough for a start. i am up to the pockets on the cardigan, but it wont be finished in time to take with me

lucky i have a few other knitted things to wear. im looking forward to the colder weather. the forecast for chicago next monday is 9 degrees celsius. positively balmy! so i just have to get through this week, get the grant finished, start teaching, organise my staff for while I’m away, placate my boss, get a flu shot, and get to a whole heap of appointments like the hairdresser and the beautician for a bit of wax and polish. you know, the important things!

but goddamn, are we there yet?!

k xx

a room of my own

Category Archives: work

my superfantastic life

on further reflection

refocus

the not so ivory tower

memorias

living in limbo

kylie and the ivy league: part two

kylie and the ivy league: part one

university of virginia: round two

patience grasshopper

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