no room to breath

25 Monday Mar 2013

Posted by DrK in rant

Tags

NYC, usa2013

today has been difficult. i am aware of the fact that i say that while i am living the life of riley in the greatest city on earth and i have no right to complain about anything, so im not going to complain. im just going to say its been difficult. my nerves are a little frayed, lets put it that way.

i had a plan for today that involved spending many quiet hours in the library working, and i looked up the NY Public Library hours and it said the big main building at Bryant Park opened at 10am, so i made sure i was out and about early to get there. without coffee even. mistake number one.

it was a lovely sunny day to start off with, and fifth avenue looked picture postcard perfect

as did the early spring light over bryant park and towards the back of the library

the fountain adding that little extra touch of pretty in the sun

when i got around to the library main entrance on fifth avenue, the sign said it wasnt opening until 1pm today. so that kind of threw me for a bit. it was 11 by then, i figured i might as well hang around, go get coffee, buy some books. only problem is, i hate that part of new york city. that whole midtown 40th street area, especially 42nd street, just makes my blood run cold. and i couldnt find anywhere decent for coffee or pancakes, for example

i did find barnes and noble eventually, but even that wasnt the best book store ive ever been in. i did manage to pick up a heap of swedish crime for 20% off plus an older hilary mantell i havent read

($12 each. seriously. an australian distributor want to explain that to me? these four books would have cost me over $100 at home). i did get a coffee here, but i was already starting to lose it. the store was full of silly american teenage girls and they were being so incredibly rude and obnoxious, making fun of people, taking all the chairs, throwing their rubbish everywhere. i know australian teenagers behave like this too, in fact, ive seen much worse at home, but goddamn did i give a few death stares. i bit my tongue though, for now.

then it was back to the library, beautiful amazing building that it is

and for a while, there was peace and quiet

and a beautiful ceiling and soft light

and i got some work done

including an outline for two papers i want to write when i get home. but i didnt stay long enough, because i really wanted to go take a ferry ride around the statue of liberty, and this was mistake number two. if there is anywhere else in manhattan where the tourists will be other than times square, it will be battery park.

i know people complain about american tourists overseas, but im here to tell you, european tourists in america are much worse. apparently, dressing in fake fur and sheepskin boots carrying designer shopping bags entitles you to push to the front of the line, let your kids run riot over the whole goddamn boat, tread on my feet and not apologise until i turn around and YELL AT YOU and then you still rush to the side of the boat to get the pictures YOU want of your precious little spawn and im meant to smile and say thats ok, when its really bloody lot.

this is a crowded place. there is no room to breath at the best of times. i was really looking forward to a nice quiet boat ride, just me and the waves and the salt water in my face. the river looked nice and calm and the statue a long long way away

but there was like a recorded voice telling us all the important things we really didnt need to know, which meant everyone rushed from one side of the boat to other

and i just sat there looking at the new world trade centre being constructed and felt like crying. once people got the fuck out of the way the skyline was pretty impressive

as was the statue herself

which we just kind of circled (its closed because of Hurricane Sandy damage) and then the wind picked up a bit

as we headed back up the east river

and under the brooklyn bridge.

it was beautiful to see but i cant tell you how many times i wanted to just yell at people Will you all just SHUT THE FUCK UP!

today, im just sick of the noise. just so much noise. its like the louder it is, the louder everyone else gets. everyone seems so determined to be heard, to assert themselves, and if i hear one more inane conversation im going to turn around and say You know, no one CARES! i guess this is what ipods were invented for.

its the most bizarre experience. i am not actually homesick. i really love it here. im staying in a cute little neighbourhood that i now know really well, and im comfortable and safe and healthy (yay no flu). i feel welcomed and not out of place here. today, i acted like a snotty local who was annoyed by all the tourists. i can pick who is from this area and who is not, and ive taken to sighing at people who are blocking the footpath. yes, i did just admit that. good grief.

but i really need some room to breath. this the single thing i notice most about new york. there is just no space, anywhere. every single square inch has a person in it. the vista is always just another street, there is no horizon, no skyline, no sense of being part of a larger geographic space, its just city city city. city fill of people. your personal boundaries are ALWAYS under attack, and if you’re feeling a bit vulnerable, or a bit sad, it can be a harsh place.

at home, i could just drive 2 minutes to the beach and breath in the fresh air and watch the dogs run and maybe not actually see another person for quite some time. i could sit there on the sand and just cry for no reason and not worry about that person on the other side of the subway line looking at me like im an escapee from the asylum (yes this happened today). so that is the thing i miss the most. the room to breath.

i practically ran back to my apartment tonight, i couldnt bear to be around people for a single second longer. when ive finished this post i will just knit for a while and have a cup of tea and then read a book in bed and it will be ok. and tomorrow i am going down to soho for more books and yarn and there is a snowstorm on the way and i cant wait to be out in it.

so im not complaining. really im not. i still think i have an amazing life. just right now, its kind of overwhelming. and a little bit crowded!

but i did get to see the statue of liberty up close, and thats pretty cool!

k xx

theory and practice

15 Friday Feb 2013

Posted by DrK in personal, rant, theory, work

≈ 19 Comments

i have not had a good day today. not good at all. i spent most of the day in tears, and worse, i was at my desk in the shared office. i only work in that space one day a week, we call it my ‘faculty day’, its where i work when i need to be close to the Dean, my boss, and we’re working on our policy projects. so i had a lot to finish off for him today – and next week is a big week for our policy project as we get ready to run our proposed changes past the university council, senate, and academic union. im finding it very hard to shift my thinking away from the grant application into that policy space. today i nearly just got up and walked away. you know when that overwhelm hits you, like a tidal wave, the realisation of all the things you’re trying to do, all the pressure you put on yourself to do it perfectly, all the things you have to take care of in life as a grown up, worrying about money, people, house work, car repairs. all those terribly middle class things? and that you’re doing it by yourself, no shoulder to cry on? middle class or not, it all got a bit much today.

on most days im ok with all that. im ok with being a grown up, i have a house to live in, a car to drive, friends who love me. i never wake up and never go to sleep without thinking how lucky i am. i guess its just been a really difficult and draining week, and im not sleeping properly (11-430 last night) and looming behind all of it is this impossible grant. the irony of the grant pressure of course is that its totally self imposed! i dont HAVE to do it. i mean, i do, if i want the money to do that particular project, and you need grants for promotion as an academic (yes because doing the job youre actually hired to do is not enough apparently, you must also MAKE MONEY for your institution). but i could seriously not do it and wear the consequences, which would probably be a fairly stagnant career. apparently, i dont do stagnant anymore. it turns out im a rather ambitious little thing and want to make something of my life. who knew?

so here i was today with all this policy CRAP in my head, and the whole time im doing that im thinking ‘if i just put that section up there, and then i could reference Foucault there’. sigh. i got quite a lot done at the grant workshop – these grants are huge, a 6 page project description plus an online form, plus about 10 other small sections to fill in, plus a budget and budget justification. the final proposal ends up being around 30 pages. anyway, i have almost all of the 6 page description done and i sent it off to a couple of colleagues today just to see if i was headed i the right direction, and they wrote back and the feeback looked like this.

thats a lot of feedback. its good feedback, its terrific even, they get what im trying to do, they think its great. i just havent managed to convey to a potential reader in the very first sentence why its important. plus i needed some more references to back up one my claims. i went looking for a couple and found a dozen.

so ive got lots more work to do. its ok, i know it is, this is all part of the process and it will come together and it will be great. but oh its hard work. im really struggling to turn my brain off, struggling with language, struggling with balance. and im struggling with myself. something else has happened the last few days that im going to talk about. i dont usually talk about this on my blog, it can make people uncomfortable, but sometimes i think not talking about it is part of the problem.

theres been a lot of stuff in the media this week about how society treats overweight people. women in particular. its revealing a lot of really nasty attitudes, a lot of prejudice, a lot of shaming and ridiculing and hatred. its really bothering me this week. usually i let it slide. what the fuck does any of that matter to me? i know who i am, right? yeah well, im not as tough as i make out. underneath my excess kilos is a scared, sensitive, vulnerable little girl, who was very badly abused by grown up men who should have known better. its very hard to let my protection against that go. and there is not really anything in society that encourages me to, in a positive or loving way. for example, this week, at the grant workshop i went to, there were some people there from another research centre looking at obesity issues. one of them, 20 something, was working on something aimed at toddlers. no i am not joking. children under 3 years of age. she didnt even bat an eyelid when she explained her project, which was completely undertheorised and devoid of any social context. also, TODDLERS. really?? its just crazy. i mean, what the fuck is going on here that some young thing thinks shes got the right and the knowledge to intervene in the lives of parents and their children. how have we got to this space?

part of my project involves using some pretty serious theory to unpick the ways in which we have become a society obsessed with self-discipline. we now, through medical and neoliberal discourses, have the right apparently, to judge other people’s behaviours, other peoples lack of self discipline, find them wanting, and DO SOMETHING ABOUT THEM. this group of researchers could hardly look at me all week. they talked about obesity as if i wasnt the fat person in the room, as if they were talking about some OBJECT that they all understood perfectly well, but have no actual experience of. and the incredible irony of this, is that the last couple of weeks i have been working really hard on my diet. i had almost entirely eliminated sugar before we went away, and the whole time we were there we were served really high carbohydrate foods, lots of fruit, pasta, rice, bread, cakes, and they all gobbled it up while i tried to not eat ANYTHING, and when i came home, this morning i weighed myself and ive put back on the kilo i lost in the week before and i just burst into tears.

i have struggled with this issue since i was 15 years old when my mum made me go to weight watchers and i wasnt even fat. all i see around me is shaming and prejudice and interference and finger pointing at fat people, while the food and eating disorder (diet and personal training) industry make a fortune off actually KEEPING US FAT. and despite everything else ive achieved in my life, everything else that i am, this issue can bring me to my knees. i cant even tell you how hard i struggle with this. i cant begin to tell you what its like to go out in the world everyday knowing that people are judging you based on what you look like when they know nothing about how you got there. they say its about health, as though that justifies it, but its not really, because i dont drink, dont smoke, dont live on mcdonalds, have low blood sugar, good cholesterol and low blood pressure. so what is the fucking problem? someone somewhere has decided that my body shape is unacceptable, unattractive, unhealthy, and that i should feel BAD ABOUT MYSELF. in fact, i should hate myself so much that i need to change it RIGHT NOW. i am an intelligent, pretty, kind, loving, motivated, responsible and generous person, and im meant to go through the world hating myself because i weigh a certain number? and other people think that because their number is less than mine they have some kind of moral superiority to me?

you know what, those people can go to hell. hating myself does not make me want to change. hating me does not fill me with pride and joy. it makes me want to hide. it makes me want to drown my sorrows in a tub of ice cream. every single one of these lame arse interventions is based on hatred, not love and acceptance, and every single one of them will always fail. how about all you people out there concerned with what i look like go take a good long look in the morality mirror and think about what it is you really hate, and why you think its ok to focus on people like me and make us the problem?

so it occurs me today how almost all of our science and medical and health research is about identifying, categorising, observing and surveying something about Other People that is a Problem. and that makes me more determined than ever to do MY research, which is about this very process of how problem groups get made in the first place, what power is behind that process and what politics does it serve.

and im not going to cry anymore, and im not going to drown my sorrows in ice cream. im going to feel good about myself whether They think i should or not, because every single human being has that right, and should never have someone else try to take that away. and im going to get a tshirt printed that says ‘I will not be your not self-disciplining subject’. anyone else want one?

k xx

where am i?

16 Sunday Dec 2012

Posted by DrK in personal, rant

≈ 9 Comments

Tags

cat sitting

sometimes i dont know what sort of a world this is we live in, what sort of people we have become. the media are going off about the tragedy in connecticut and its horrible beyond words. what happened, what the media are doing about what happened, what the US government wont do about what happened. its easy for us to sit here and preach about gun control. we dont have it enshrined in our constitution (although i doubt this is what the founding fathers had in mind). white australians love to think they’re superior to americans. yeah, whatever.

it all just makes me sick. the whole fucking lot of it. i think the onion summed it up best. gun violence is just a symptom of a society that is rotten to the core. we’ll blame individuals, we’ll try and make it about mental health, but really, even though she didnt mean it like that, margaret thatcher was right when she said ‘there is no such thing as society’, not anymore there isnt. people just dont give a toss about anyone. in australia this is most obvious with some of the disgusting vitriol people come up with about refugees. really, they make me sick, all of them.

but then, im a misanthrope at the best of times. in my twitter profile i describe myself as a people hater (mostly). the human race leaves me cold, apart from the ones i call friends, the ones i chose to spend time with. thank god for them. just, thank god. im staying at one such persons house now, up here in sydney for the next three weeks. this means i get to spend lots of time with the people i love, and im really looking forward to it. its already fun. crazy, but fun. after i dropped the kids off at the airport, i met some friends for a knitting afternoon but i was too tired and hot to settle, so i drove over to the local mall.

i took the car because i was coming from newtown and i wanted to buy a few groceries. oh my god, so many people. everyone thinking THEIR needs are more urgent than anyone elses, that the world will end if they dont spend all their money on useless shit right now.

oddly, it didnt really bother me. having spent some time in american cities, which are actually busy, as opposed to what we think is busy, i’ve learnt not to let crowds get to me. i just ignore people, resign myself to moving slowly, try and be polite where i can, instead of ripping off the head of the stupid hipster who took ten minutes deciding what sort of tomato he wanted. seriously, whatever. am i going to be part of the problem, or just not let it get to me? the latter i think.

it was good to get out of there though, and back into this hip little suburb that i love so much.

so many memories. i’ve lived around here quite a lot in the past, in my darker days when the native rose hotel was my local, and more recently when trent and i lived on the block and then on abercrombie st. its probably my favourite part of sydney, a little enclave tucked right in the middle of everything, with tree lined streets and gorgeous terrace houses.

it will be fun to be here for a few weeks. i’m settled in now, with all my work spread out and the cats lying around looking at me

i’m not technically on holidays yet, i have some work to do this week, some meetings and archives and museums to visit. but i intend to go swimming in victoria park pool, drink a lot of good coffee, hang out with friends, do a bit of shopping, and get a little bit into the christmas spirit. i’ve just glazed a ham

and tomorrow i will make my first batch of mince tarts, and then later in the week, i will do some knitting and sew some christmas gifts.

and i will do all that remembering how far i’ve come, and how lucky i am to be here, alive and well and happy, in a place where i take my everyday safety for granted.

k xx

destroying the joint

04 Tuesday Sep 2012

Posted by DrK in personal, politics, rant

≈ 8 Comments

Tags

#destroyingthejoint

i used to be quite the political activist. i was even a card carrier at one point (which party shall remain unnamed, although i suspect asio already have me on file). i got right into all kinds of freaky political and social theory doing my phd. i thought it mattered, would make a difference. and then i stopped caring. i just wanted to knit and be left alone and not have to think so damn hard all the time.

and then some little toad creeps out from under his rock and i just cant help myself. we all know that alan jones is a shock jock idiot. we all know he shouldnt be taken seriously. yet the fact remains that in this country, far too many people listen to him on radio, and far too many people agree with his half arsed opinion on everything from immigration to climate change.

and now hes having a go at women. yeah nice one alan. of course, the media has mostly reacted with dignity and disdain (except for gerard henderson but thats hardly surprising). making fun of him has proven useful, and plenty has been written elsewhere about how stupid, inane and moronic he sounds. but his comments come in the same week as peter jensen suggested women should be submissive in marriage (again, like we listen to anything he has to say). and you know what?

im kind of jack of it. really men, just piss off and let us live our lives ok? it makes me so cranky because i think of all the women i know who work so hard and struggle so much just to get through days that some men cant even begin to comprehend. it reminds me how white middle class males take their privilege so completely for granted.

here am i, a single white female, coming into my meager little office every day

trying to make a meaningful contribution to the world by understanding a little bit of its past and trying to keep that alive so future generations realise how hard women have always had to fight, for everything.

and how they’ve sometimes single handedly saved the joint that sometimes doesnt even feel worth saving.

personally, im taking full responsibility for myself, paying all my own bills, looking after my health, paying my taxes, and managing to line up three major international collaborators for my boring little history project in the space of 24 hours. i’ve been asked to be a guest speaker at a conference in melbourne in november. i’ve just been invited to spend some time at the university of pennyslvania next year. i’m involved in policy projects here at my university that are about to revolutionise the way staff are employed and rewarded. i do all that for about 1% of what alan jones earns in a year, and i do it on my own.

oh and i also knit. obviously thats the death of civilization right there

but you know what im really doing? using my brain and my hands to make my own clothes. can you do that alan jones? i dont think so.

i am no man hater. far from it (often to my own detriment). but comments like these make me realise how easily as a woman i hand my power over. how i can ignore all the amazing things i do in my life and feel like crap depending on what some man somewhere may or may not think of me. its tiresome and annoying.

so you know what, fuck you alan jones. next time you want to talk about people destroying the joint, lets talk about war and rape and violence and nuclear bombs and financial crises and famine and starvation and deforestation and pollution and lets see who’s responsible for what shall we?

a bit on edge

11 Monday Jun 2012

Posted by DrK in knitting, personal, rant

≈ 8 Comments

if you live on the coastline of australia at the moment, you will know about the intense winter weather we are having. another east coast low sits out over the ocean merely 2 kms from my little house and we are getting soaked.

i love it though, i’ve been rewatching true blood from scratch, knitting, and staying away from the computer and smart phone. this weather is exactly how i remember winter before the 20 years of drought we’ve just lived through: grey and wet. i love the grey. there is too much goddamn sunshine in this part of the world. its not natural, or good for you. and im not just saying that because i’ve been in a bad mood lately. i dont know whether im just getting old, but im irritated by everything at the moment. stupid people saying stupid things, social media, inane ‘likes’ and comments, politics, patriarchy, racism, women who spend too much time and money on worrying about their looks and not enough on their brains or independence. and phonys. god im sick of phonys.

but then it occurred to me that maybe im just a bit on edge. its only a few more days before i fly to america for the conference in baltimore, and america makes me nervous. im not worried about the conference, ive done my presentations and i know my stuff, but im not looking forward to the enforced socialising. i hate networking at conferences. im not looking forward to the fact that its summer there, and hot. i may have already mentioned i hate sunshine. and i am not looking forward to the travelling. i am on that wretched qantas flight direct to dallas, 17 hours in the air, no stops. im hoping for decent movies at least.

but i am looking forward to exploring some of baltimore and i am looking forward to my little side trip down to NYC for one night (i dont want to talk about the fact that i had an apartment booked in the village for 10 days and had to cancel). the good thing about summer clothes is how light my packing will be and how much stuff i can bring home. i have a very carefully planned shopping itinery, which includes the village tannery, purl soho, strand books at union square and sephora. and im glad i’ve been there before so i know exactly how to get around, how to get in and out quick, and this time i might actually see some of central park from the ground instead of from the window of the cafe at the guggenheim because it was too damn cold out.

i have been a bit anxious about what to take knitting wise, and have decided the cardigan can stay home. ive been working on it monogamously this weekend and as a result its at the armholes.

there are a stupid amount of errata in this pattern. bad editing knitty. but ive worked it out and its making sense, starting to take shape. but its too heavy and wooly to take somewhere hot and crowded, so i will just take the colour affection shawl as thats all garter and in a wool cotton blend.

and i need socks for the plane, but im sick of the brown ribbed ones i was making for trent, so this morning i cast on a pair of self striping toe up socks for me, in the new regia erica knight design line.

perfect.

and now im going back to the lounge to enjoy whats left of this queens bday long weekend before my final two days at work. maybe when i get back safely i’ll be feeling a little more zen.

kxx

playing with string

14 Thursday Apr 2011

Posted by DrK in knitting, rant

≈ 18 Comments

Tags

easter show

there are a few sure signs in this part of the world that winter is on the way. all knitting type magazines originating in the northern hermisphere forget they have readers in the Opposite world and start with the cottons and pastel colours. a blanket at night doesnt cut it anymore and you switch to the doona (last night). and your feet are cold in the morning, mostly because the slippers youve had for the last 4 years have a hole in them. i always associate slippers with easter, as a kid, i got a new pair every year with a big chocolate egg inside them.

but as an adult, easter has mostly meant the sydney royal easter show, and the 3 or 4 days of flyball competition with the 5am starts and long treks from carpark to showground. that’s not part of my world anymore (except in a peripheral sense) but i have a different attachment to the easter show this year, which was the entering of a knitted item into the arts and craft competition (for the first time ever, in any show). i entered the girasole shawl. it was fun to enter and im glad ive done it, but i wont be doing it again, and not because i didnt win anything. i categorically did not expect to get a ribbon of any colour. it was non-traditional lace, in a non-traditional colour and design, and any good judge would have picked up the one mistake i couldnt hide. but i am sad beyond words to hear that that lovely big circle with the flower in the middle was displayed folded in half with points strung up by fishing wire. it will sound weird, but i am sad for my shawl. people passing those glass cabinets will just see this mess of dark red string, and wont know how really pretty it is. and im not the only one. even the absoutely gorgeous winning shawl by nikki was all bunched up and probably inside out. such a shame, and so unnecessary. im very glad to see some of my very clever friends like fee and zena get ribbons for their beautiful things, but the judging in some of the other categories just really makes you wonder.

actually, the whole show makes me wonder. on tv the other day there was a ‘news’ item advertising the start of the show and there was a guy in an akubra telling everyone how this was the ‘real australia’, the smell of the grass, fresh produce, animals etc. i wanted to add racist, bigotted, bogan, uneducated, homophobic, sexist, nationalistic, conservative, backward and less than 30% of the population, but hey what would i know? i got out of the ‘real australia’ and headed for the city as fast as i could, where i am obviously not a ‘real australian’ but some kind of phoney (let alone An Immigrant). on the weekend at herding, i sat through conversations that made my stomach turn. people (the same ones who make fun of me for having a phd) talking about homosexuality and immigration as though a) their opinions on this actually mattered and b) they knew what they were talking about. i wanted to remind the rednecks at the table that their idea for getting rid of all immigrants meant that they too should get on the first boat out, considering none of them are aboriginal and thus they are ergo, all immigrants.

the unfortunate thing is in australia we have dog whistle politicians, who play to this lowest common denominator and portray this way of thinking as ‘normal’ instead of setting a standard based on ethics, humanity and compassion. we are so busy here knocking the heads off our tall poppies and wringing our hands over the pernicious evil that is the do-gooder chardonnay and latte sipping watermelon elite that the creaking wheels of the archaic ‘outback’ get portrayed as mainstream and normal. and sadly, it appears as though this is also the case with aspects of the arts and crafts competition at the easter show! i know its terribly post modern of me to eschew all normative definitions of ‘real’ (my real being no more real than anyone elses) but i will at least maintain that the Real (sorry Lacan) as presented by rural australia needs a good swift kick up the arse.

of course, none of that has any bearing on my knitting activity, which has never been driven by any need to display or win ribbons. i knit because i love knitting, and because i like to wear the stuff that i make. the chill in the air this last couple of days has made me more conscious of wanting to be wearing my own knitted things soon, and has upped the ante on the ‘red accessories’ project. i have socks and a shawl, time for a hat. i am also trying to knit as much as i can with the amazing things i got in america, and so i have gone straight to the top of the pile, and last night pulled out this:

what can i say about string cashmere that wont sound like i need to be locked in an institution? such a great little shop, like a parisian boutique! and the yarn, oh swoon. i wish i could convey to you how soft this is. would it help if i said this cost me $40US a ball (with assistance from the gift voucher from jody!). i have not really thought of myself as a hat person, but last year when i went to bendigo i borrowed rosered’s ‘rosered’ and everyone said a hat really suited me, so i thought i would make myself one this year. i decided to keep it fairly simple and this is going to be hannah fettigs ‘early morning beret’.

its knitting up so beautifully, i cant wait to wear it.

as you can see the magnolia tree out the front of the house is losing its leaves quickly now, so i guess i will be whinging about the cold soon enough. perhaps that will make me a real australian?

k xx

on taking direction

03 Tuesday Aug 2010

Posted by DrK in knitting, rant, WIP

≈ 10 Comments

Tags

baby cardigan

i dont like being told what to do. not since i was 18 and escaped the clutches of the dragon lady (from whom permission was required to merely breath) have i coped well with being told how i should or shouldnt behave. sometimes i find myself fighting with knitting patterns and their invisible designers. just because.

most designers, it must be said, are pretty good, and usually have a reason for asking you to do things certain ways. sometimes though, there are some who appear to enjoy being difficult. or too clever. so i have learnt that sometimes (there being no knitting police) it is ok to maybe not do exactly what the pattern says. however, i think the designer of the baby cardigan i am currently working on is of the first type, even though i thought maybe she wasnt.

it says that after you knit the bodice you should BLOCK it and then sew up the sleeve seams before picking up the edge of the bodice to knit the body. i tried to tell myself i didnt need to do it this way, that i could just put pins where the sleeve seams would start and pick up for the body anyway. and block it? surely not necessary, halfway through a garment. and a baby garment at that. i consulted the eminent brains trust, one of whom said follow the instructions, the other of whom said trust your instincts. ultimately, they were both right, because, when it came time to do it, my instincts said block it and sew the sleeves.

so i did. block it (along with my swatches for what i am now pretty sure is going to be landon)

and sew the sleeve seams,

and then pick up the stitches along the bodice to knit the body:

one thing i missed is that part about the bodice being knit on smaller needles than the body. well der. its not though, i did it all on the same size. i think once i block the whole thing it will be fine, but it would be easier to follow direction if i actually learnt to read a pattern properly.

and because i am not a happy girl today (having just found out that paying $18000 in income tax somehow does NOT cover my higher education contribution scheme debt and that i owe the tax office money) (thank you labour government for that one)* i am posting a picture of the gorgeous magnolia out the front.

it was looking like this a year ago when i moved in here, and ive seen it go a full cycle now, from being bare and knobbly to gorgeous dark green leaves and now these stunning flowers. it will go through these cycles long after im gone, and continues to remind me of my insignifcance and powerlessness.

death and taxes people. resistance is futile!

k xx

* ps yes yes i know im lucky to have a job, i know im lucky to have an education, i dont usually have a problem with paying taxes yadayadayada, but today, i just dont like it!

vuvuzela tweeting

16 Wednesday Jun 2010

Posted by DrK in knitting, personal, rant

≈ 20 Comments

Tags

sport, TtHF featherweight

i am happy to report, albeit briefly, that i have, at last left sleeveland. i cast off the second featherweight sleeve last night (phone photo sorry):

and now have only two tiny cuff seams and some ends to sew in, and a light blocking to perform:

i am very happy with it. i made some mods that means it fits me really well, one of my best efforts in that department actually, and its so soft and smooshy i want to wear it right now. but it will be ready to go, and to blog about properly, on the weekend.

it nearly didnt get finished though. last night i was so frustrated with the cuff i nearly hurled it across the room. i knitted the cuffs back and forth rather than in the round because round-garter stitch doesnt look right, but it was still difficult because its only a short cuff, attached to a tube-sleeve, which meant i couldnt actually knit it flat, i still had to magic loop it. the tightness of still-being-attached to the sleeve made the joins stretch and i dropped some stitches, and then i got distracted by the football, and my measurements werent right, but it came good and now its done.

speaking of football. i performed a bit of surgery on my twitter account recently, dropping a heap of people i dont actually know or like, including a lot of politicians journalists and social commentators i had been following. i got sick of their inane one liners during question time, designed purely to make themselves feel clever and not actually tell us anything useful, and then i got really sick of the smugness of ‘who cares about the world cup soccer is a stupid game’ thing. it got me thinking about how that plays out in australia, that there is a perception by the ‘chattering classes’ that if you are into sport you are some kind of bogan, and the reverse, that if you are not, you are an elitist chardonnay sipper. i suspect the reality lies somewhere in the middle, and i think the one journalist i did keep following, latika bourke, has that balance right. she is quite happy to tweet equally about question time and the socceroos, she doesnt apologise for it, and i think this is great.

i am not ashamed to admit i like sport. i was bought up with rugby league, my dad was a souths junior and some of my earliest memories are wearing his red and green jersey and the red and green velvet bunny my grandma made me. i still go for souths, though i would rather watch union these days. its true, i dont like the way it is mythologised and masculinised in the australian context, and i dont like the racism, sexism and boofheadism that prevails in some of it, but those elements dont make it all bad, and liking soccer, rugby union or even rugby league doesnt make me a bogan. hoping that my country does well at the world cup does not make me nationalistic either, in cricket for example i am more than happy to see those smug arrogant gum chewers whacked out of the park by anyone other than england.

really, i think i like watching sport because its fun. i deal with so much heavy stuff at work, i read serious books, and it gets tiresome after a while. sport isnt about life or death (although that game against germany on monday morning felt like it), it can bring people together, it can provide an escape out of poverty and misery unimaginable to those sipping on their chardonnay! so i swapped a heap of high brow twitter people for some low brow sports people, including the very funny @cupfever show on sbs. for the next few months, with state of orgin, rugby union test matches, the world cup, i am going to be one of those annoying tweeters who carps on endlessly about goals, red cards, strange hair cuts and shoe colours, and im just going to enjoy it. i think a bit of light hearted fun in a world that too often takes itself way too seriously is a nice way to get an emotionally bruised and broken-elbowed self through what looks like being a long winter.

and the most important thing about sport? it makes really good background tv to knit to. i could do without the vuvuzelas though…..

kxx

really, not happy jan

04 Tuesday May 2010

Posted by DrK in personal, rant

≈ 20 Comments

so i have been trying to post all day to give an update on the weekend and on my sock mission, but wordpress has decided that i shall not have full access to its services today. and i had cool photos as well.

but it doesnt really matter, because i shouldnt be sitting at a computer anyway. i managed to fall over a dog on sunday and landed on my left elbow, which is now fractured.

i have a stupid sling and i am not meant to move the arm for 2 weeks. i cant get in and out of my clothes without planning it 6 months in advance. i cant wash my hair properly, because i cant lift my arm above my shoulder, and i certainly cant pull it back in a ponytail, and this is driving me crazy.

i cant drive without putting my own and everyone elses life in danger. i cant reach up to put food in my mouth. i cant play with the dogs, i cant move stuff around, i cant hang the washing out.

i dont like it. no i dont. i tried to be stoic, and i was stoic. i didnt think i was that badly hurt at the time, and got up and kept running. i made light of it the whole way home. then i nearly passed out getting out of the shower yesterday, and took myself off to the dr.

today i dont feel so stoic. i am home alone with no family to fuss over me. it hurts worse today and i dont want to take pain killers because they mess with my head. and wordpress wont work.

but i am about to go sit on the lounge and eat a whole tub of homer hudson chocolate rock and watch season three of dexter.

and its not a total disaster. i can still knit!

but seriously not happy jan.

kxx

a room of my own

Category Archives: rant

no room to breath

theory and practice

where am i?

destroying the joint

a bit on edge

playing with string

on taking direction

vuvuzela tweeting

really, not happy jan

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