words are overrated anyway

13 Monday May 2013

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i am not, as you may have noticed, a woman of few words. god only knows i wish i was, as i suspect, do some people who know me. but you know, i write for a living, so i cant help it. its also a reflection of the way i think, in my head, working everything out all the time. but i think i’ve done enough of that lately. so this is the last week or so, in pictures. mostly. there are still some words. sorry.

im still getting settled in my office, they put a new name thing on the door and left off the I in ‘kylie’

better than some variation of ‘carley’ i guess. they’re going to replace it though.

there was a lunar eclipse of the sun. it hurt my eyes (yeeeees i know you’re not supposed to look at it).

saturday i caught the train up to sydney

its a lovely train ride along the coast

north

and was a warm humid day. not at all like autumn.

it was blissful to be alone on the train for an hour and a half. as we sped through the bush, i read this very interesting book which is giving me lots of ideas

southern sydney suburbs slipped past as we crossed the georges river

and then we disappeared underground as we approached the city

i got off at central

and met up with missfee to have coffee and wander along hipster crown street in surry hills

it was ‘inner city knitters guild meeting’ and we had lots of fun in our lovely room above surry hills library

then a few of us wandered down riley and campbell streets where autumn is starting to make an appearance

to our usual hipster haunt, orto trading.

fantastic baked eggs, which i regret not ordering. i wanted ice tea (now addicted to it thank you america) but they were out, so i had organic ginger beer instead. so freaking hipster

thats a sock im knitting. its not for me. i tried to take a hispter selfie but jane insisted on being silly

i dont think she looks a day over 35 do you? then i got on the train to head home, reading my book again

and it got dark and stormy as we headed south, and was raining by the time we came out of the bush at stanwell park

the rain didnt stop the weekend motor bike riders,

this is a really great piece of coast road to ride on, so i dont blame them. i love being in sydney, but this train ride home always takes my breath away.

yesterday was mothers day here. i hate mothers day. i was really angry most of the day, thinking about how i was so completely failed by my own mother, who didnt believe me when i told her i was being abused, how she sent me and my sister to school covered in bruises, how i had to mother her, and mother my sister, and never got mothered myself. sometimes i feel like shannon noll.

then i snap out of it, and realise im not angry im just sad, and it makes me sad that other people get to celebrate that day and i dont, but i read this great blog post and then this one, and talked to some friends who are in the same position, and i think of how many great mothers there are out there who do great things, and i remember im a grown up now anyway and thank god i dont have to talk to my crazy arse bitch of a mother if i dont want to.

so i did lots of chores around the house, happy to notice the magnolia finally showing signs of autumn (because ENOUGH ALREADY of the goddamn sunshine)

i got some information from my mentors at the university of pennsylvania about how to be a visiting scholar there, so that inspired me to make another mind map of my project

making it into a picture instead of words showed me how there is central idea running through everything im working on, and i can feel it starting to come together, and its very exciting.

then i cooked myself an awesome dinner

and loved my gorgeous girl

and that face just about says it all, really.

k xx

for all the coffee in brooklyn

23 Saturday Mar 2013

Posted by DrK in culture, friends, knitting

≈ 7 Comments

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brooklyn, USA 2013

the legend of americas love of coffee is generally a source of much amusement to myself and other australian travellers who come here. we are very spoiled at home, and the whole starbucks thing has not really found much purchase because of the strong local boutique coffee shops that are not part of a chain. that doesnt mean there is no bad coffee in australia, in fact, there is a LOT, and especially when you step outside of sydney. but we do not do drip filter coffee, and for that i am eternally grateful. we do lots of bad espresso, but at least it is always espresso.

so i have been pretty much two weeks here without a real coffee to speak of. when you rely on starbucks for a latte, you really are in trouble. today i found two great coffees, one about as good as anything i would get at home. and they were both in brooklyn.

i was really looking forward to todays expedition. i had plans to meet up with my conference knitting friend winifred. she works in the school of nursing at pace university here in NYC, and she lives in brooklyn with her partner jennifer and their little girl maisie. i convinced winifred that she needed to visit the brooklyn general store with me, and we aranged to meet at 10 in the cobble hill neighbourhood.

so i jumped on the F train, just around the corner from me on west 4th strain

it was about a 20 minute ride under the east river, so i took out the knitting

and a gorgeous little latino boy sat and stared at my hands like he’d never seen knitting before. i think he wanted to learn but i refrained from snatching him from his father!

i emerged at Carroll St to a lovely sunshiny day

with a freezing cold wind. and lo, what do i find here on the corner of carrol and smith st? a momofuku milk bar no less.

i didnt have time to go in, because winifred and jen and maisie arrived shortly thereafter, and we set off down smith st to drop something off to a friend of theirs. this friends name is brooke, and she is a midwife here, and she happened to be home and we went into her brownstone to get warm for a second. it was so lovely, a real brooklyn brownstone. this is jen (in yellow) and winifred with maisie and brooke with her dog Lena

and this is maisie carrying the koala i gave her. she loved it.

she is the cutest little thing, she wanted to walk with me and have me hold her hand and then push her in her stroller. awwwww (be quiet damn ovaries).

brooke was taking her dog to the park, so we walked with her all the way along columbia st down to the waterfront, where there is a beautiful walkway and park areas

some of then are still damaged from hurricane sandy. then suddenly was the spectacular view back to manhattan

and some kids playing soccer right on the river in enclosed nets (saturday morning soccer seems to be universal)

and the view towards the brooklyn bridge.

so breathtaking. this was a great walk, the sun was lovely and the wind cold, perfect walking weather. we turned up off the water towards brooklyn heights, with these amazing houses

and stopped to grab sandwiches and coffee from this fantastic little place called Iris. their sit down cafe was full, so we went to their takeaway option and just sat outside in the sun. it was SO HIPSTER, the sandwiches came wrapped in brown paper with red and white string (i had turkey and cheddar on toasted cranberry bread, so good!)

and a really fantastic coffee.

this was sooooo goood, im pretty sure i moaned out loud!

maisie handed me chips while we ate

and then posed for a photo for me.

by now the koalas name was ‘little kylie’ and i pretty much died again. she didnt let that bear go the whole time we were out. adorable.

then it was time for maisie to go home for a nap, so winifred and i, as the knitters, took off together seprately walking all the way back down henry st to union st where we entered the wonderful little brooklyn general store.

such a great space, full of lovely yarn and fabric and vintage sewing knicknacks (absolutely put a bird on it!)

i am shopping mostly for accessory yarn in things i cant get easily at home, so i got two skeins of madtosh sock (nebula and scarlet)

two small skeins of the fibre co ‘road to china’ (alpaca, cashmere, silk. swoon)

and 4 skeins of blue sky alpaca sport in a gorgeous deep blue

i also picked up a little bundle of fat quarters with the idea that i might try my hand at some quilting this year, given Everyone Else is doing it,

but i want to make it very subdued and a little bit amish. i thought of kris when i bought this

then we headed outside for the obligatory ‘kylie was here photo’

and then winifred showed me to the G train which took me across brooklyn to williamsburg (brooklyn is really really large. lots and lots of spread out neighbourhoods). i walked down metroplitan ave to north 6th st

and then along north 6th street towards bedford ave

and just past bedford i could smell them, toby’s estate brooklyn. i do like toby’s at home, but i dont think they are the best roastery in australia (possibly allpress, and definitely campos are better) but you know, when in rome….

they have a lovely big space and it was packed full of hipsters. oh so many hipsters.

it was a little nauseating. the coffee was good but not great (the choc chip and orange cookie was awesome tho)

the coffee wasnt as strong as at home, obviously tempered down for the american palate. i should have ordered a double shot. and it should be in a glass not a mug! still it did the trick. its a funny little place, this tobys in brooklyn. its not obviously australian, if you didnt know you wouldnt pick it but i did notice a few little signs scatted around the place. a tattered rugby union football, a metal weetbox tin, and a tin of milo (look up from the grey beanie)

i also noticed a couple of other australians in amongst the williamsburg hipsters. the local hipsters are painful enough. its bad enough to be surrounded by all the pretty young things walking around with film scripts in checked shirts and skinny jeans, let alone the try hard aussies with the caps on backwards (yes thats him with the Summer Bay hair. thanks for that look lleyton hewitt. sigh). i wanted to smack that cap off his stupid head. it made me realise that i didnt come halfway across the world to hang out with aussies, no nor american hipsters either, and that i had had a truly wonderful time walking around talking history and theory with winifred and jennifer, and that when you find your people you should stick to them.

i do miss my people at home somewhat, and i do grow weary of the american female propensity to have private conversations REALLY BLOODY LOUDLY, but the fantastic easy time i had with winifred in particular made me realise there are People Like Us everywhere, and i’m so glad i connected with her at the conference and took her up on her invite to show me around. the people i have met at the conference, and at UPenn, and even around here in cornelia st, have been so welcoming and friendly.

i always think of myself as an introvert, and i am in that i really need quiet times away from people, but ive done a really good job of getting outside my comfort zone so far this trip and really making an effort to open up and talk to people. if nothing else, it has served me well for work purposes. it was also just so great to have someone to talk to today and to have her share a little part of her life with me, such a great experience!

and brooklyn. well, i loved it. i can really see why people are flocking to live here. it was dirty and busy and beautiful and historical and multicultural, and reminded me of that area around surry hills and redfern at home i guess, which is where i’ve always felt most comfortable. even though its all still row houses and apartments, people have planted little gardens where ever they can, and there are trees in the street and people are not yelling at each other, and i got lots of smiles at the accent.

but tomorrow i think i might find a library!

k xx

kylie and the ivy league: part one

19 Tuesday Mar 2013

Posted by DrK in friends, work

≈ 13 Comments

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Philadelphia, usa2013

today i went upscale, to an ivy league university. its a little bit overwhelming. i know its just a university. i know i wasnt exactly walking through the gates of st peter. but its a rare thing that a girl like me from a little old regional uni gets to go Ivy. so i made sure i got a good nights sleep (8 hours people, 8 UNINTERRUPTED HOURS! and yes, i have feather pillows). i came out of my room to an excellent breakfast in this gorgeous room

and then dennis, the innkeeper, helped me figure out how to get where i needed to be, and because it was snow raining (0 degrees exactly, with icy water falling but not making snow), he even called a cab. its about 1.6 miles down to upenn and i will probably walk it on wednesday but not today when i was carrying extra stuff and you know, snow rain. so i rugged up (wool socks, hat, mitts and scarf, plus a coat) and let the taxi take me all the way down 38th st and drop me right outside the rather impressive UPenn School of Nursing.

so so impressive. that whole building. one school. i was a bit early so i followed the people with coffee cups and found myself in the cafeteria of the paedeatric research centre. this building forms one corner of a whole medical precinct, the medical research school, the childrens hospital, and the childrens medical research school.

all that power and knowledge in one place. talk about evidence translation. again, so impressive. eventually i found my way upstairs to the barbara bates centre, and it takes a whole floor of the school of nursing building.

yes indeed, a whole floor dedicated to nursing history.

by now, im pretty much hyperventilating. tiffany showed me around and gave me a locker, and we organised my sign in forms for archive access and then she took me up to meet anne marie walsh brennan who is their practice professor and responsible for curriculum development, and we talked a lot about various ideas for integrating history into the curriculum and balancing clinical vs academic needs. i think we learnt a lot from each other actually, it was great. then i talked to julie, the centre director, about directions in nursing history and some of the trends she sees emerging (she gave a great paper about this at the conference). and then, i was into the archives.

see, this is me actually working. oh i cant even tell you how great this felt. i am working with the archives of hildegard peplau. she basically revented (as elizabeth zimmerman would say) the theory of interpersonal relations (and the therapeutic relationship) for mental health nursing, and wrote the seminal textbook in it way back in 1958. she was one of the very first masters prepared psychiatric nurses, and she took mental health nursing in the US into a whole other sphere. im just looking at how she developed her ideas about mental health nursing, what were some of the factors that influenced her thinking and experience, and then i will be looking to see how her influence played out in australian nursing. thats just one little section of the big mental health nursing history project im putting in the grant application for.

anyway, i only got through the second folder in two boxes full of stuff (and ive only requested two boxes out of about 20!) and ive already got so much stuff, just her experience and what she thought about mental health nursing, and ideas about how i can study similar changes at home. its so exciting! the archives close at 4 and i could have stayed all night, but i also had other social engagements, so tiffany showed me the short cut through the main quadrangle (photos of that on wednesday) through the now heavy snow rain, and i jumped in a cab again across the river to meet donna lee on the corner of chestnut and 9th streets, near her work. there was squeal and a hug in a bus shelter, than she led me down the subway and we took the train across the delaware river

(oh my god, what a river. EVERYTHING is big here!) and through the suburbs of new jersey

to meet up with PK at their local train station. then we went back to their cosy little suburban house (the renovations are SO impressive!) where i met the lovely kate and eleanor and i unburdened myself of yarn, wood worked items, timtams, stuffed koalas and vegemite! then we piled into the car and took off to their favourite local diner where PK and donnalee discussed the merits of different ways of doing house fries maybe?

and then i had an excellent burger, and an ice tea

and then there was PIE! lots of pie (mine is the cherry. of course)

and a lovely photo of me and donnalee

and then, because what else do you do when i come halfway across the world, they took me to a new walmart near their house.

holy mary mother of god. it completely blew my mind. its like a kmart only about a GAZILLION times bigger

and it had ALL THE THINGS. all the reeces peanut butter things

all the peeps things

including PEEPS KEBABS!

and then rows and rows of easter stuff, so you could make your own easter baskets, and dye your own easter eggs, which were the subject of much discussion.

it sounds silly to have so much fun going to a walmart, but im not really the average tourist. my idea of a good time overseas is find out how other people live, to try and experience their everyday life and i loved every minute of my walmart experience. i know where im headed come the zombie apocalypse.

and now i am back in my room thinking about the big day i have tomorrow. more archives, more meetings, including a lunchtime seminar from me about nursing history in Australia, and then a book signing and lecture from karen flynn and then dinner out with karen and other upenn faculty.

its enough to make a girl giddy. more on wednesday night.

k xx

the joy of life

18 Monday Feb 2013

Posted by DrK in friends, knitting, personal

≈ 16 Comments

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The Grant

really, i should know better than to send emails or write blog posts when i am in the middle of a Big Feeling. i come across as whiny, needy and pathetic, and we all know how much i hate sounding whiny. and we all know that really, my life is fantastic and i have nothing to whine about!

having said that, i always get great comments on my very personal posts, so i guess they resonate with people. as rosered pointed out last night, im very open with my emotions. i never used to be. i used to be closed up tight like a clam shell, but ive made a promise to myself the last couple of years to not make that mistake again. i dont really bother to separate my professional self from my personal self on my blog for example, because i believe i should practice what i preach, and my personal life informs my work. and in real life, im all about telling people how i feel. life’s too short to regret the things you didnt say, right?

even so, i sounded whiny and pathetic on friday. i was whiny and pathetic most of last week. im annoyed with myself. but i guess, unfortunately, i am not actually perfect. or a robot. i let idiots get to me. sometimes i dont handle stress well. sometimes i want to come home and have someone take care of me. but it has been great to read so many supportive comments on the last post. and friday on the way home from work i picked up the dogs, and that always helps

taking care of other living things seems to bring me out of the self pity. as does going around to my new favourite academics’ house and talking about ideas for papers,

and getting feedback on the grant application and staying for dinner and playing with toys and making pavlova for their adorable young boys. i am really enjoying the fact at the moment that so many of my friends have small children who are so welcoming and open to me. its lovely to be able to be part of their lives and be the fun person who makes awesome pavlova and bring back cool toys from new york city. without any of the responsibility!

speaking of small people, yesterday was alisons baby shower. yes. another baby. could people please stop having babies so we can stop knitting blankets (do i really need to explain the whole concept of Birth Control people?!). this was a pretty good blanket though:

its the mitred crosses from mason dixon knitting, the coloured part is knit in noro taiyo and the cream is noro shirikaba, sourced from germany. we all knit a coloured square each, then zena knitted two extra plain half squares, and fee sewed it all together, and lyn did the icord edging and margarita blocked it. a true communal effort, made with lots of love. we think she liked it.

of course, zena, who has nothing else to do but be an engineer and mother to three small boys, also made alison this gorgeous quilt

overachiever much? seriously though zena, please dont tell me i have to have a baby to get one of these?! there were lots of other presents, and lots of eating and drinking, as is our usual habit

(see how kris’ hands are blurry in that photo? thats because she knits REALLY FAST!). there was also an amazing chocolate and grand marnier cake made by beth, and lots of knitting. of course.

i stayed over last night because i had a couple of meetings about my grant application at sydney uni today. i stopped off for coffee first, and made some notes

and then off i headed to the big sandstone buildings in the sky. this is me thinking about being at a sandstone.

for a minute i felt a little out of place in the big lecture theatre listening to the instructions for what i would need to do to finalise my submission, but i got over it when i thought how we were all as freaked out as each other. there were at least 70 people in that room applying to the same scheme as me, and there will be more than 3000 applications across the country and they only award 200. seriously, i have no chance. but im giving it my best shot. i met up with my two potential mentors afterwards and we went over what i’d written so far almost line by line. it now looks like this:

despite appearances, its a lot clearer and sharper now, and im really pleased that they liked my idea about a ‘digital mapping matrix’ kind of thing (not THE matrix, its too complicated to explain right now, maybe if i get the grant!). i will have to work pretty hard this week to get it all to first draft stage by the end of the weekend so i can send it off and get more feedback and then rewrite it again next week. as well as do my presentation for the conference. and finish the policy stuff. and start teaching. and write a paper with samantha. and walk the dogs. and maybe sleep a bit. and try not to stress out.

and we’re down to twenty one days. but who’s counting?!

k xx

how’s the serenity?

26 Saturday Jan 2013

Posted by DrK in friends, knitting, work

≈ 3 Comments

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atelier

around about the time of new year, i wrote a post about wishing i might learn to handle life’s vicissitudes this year with a little more serenity. it’s not that i handle things badly, but i do sometimes let silly things get to me. i get attached to things, im get angry, im not really very ‘zen’. but i dont mind most of the time, because i’ve learned to accept that its who i am and it means i care about stuff. but this week i really could have done with a ‘dealing with stress for dummies’ handbook or something. it just got a little bit crazy there at the end of the week, and i am feeling very keenly right now the pressure of doing two part time jobs (we all know this means i am doing two full time jobs).

i was hoping that activity on one of my jobs, the policy one, might get scaled back this week, but my boss and i met with the deputy vice chancellor who basically asked us to develop a program now for implementation of said policy and all the attendant changes that will bring. it will be a lot of work, and stressful because it involves consultation with many big egos and even the union, which means i will have to talk to people and listen and nod politely while really in my head i am thinking about leaning across the table and choking someone, or else sticking a knitting needle in my eye. or, i will be thinking about how i have so much work to do on my own research, and how if people just left me to hide in my book fort

i could get at least three publications out within the next month and write this goddamn grant application, and then go to america and hide in archives and not speak to anyone for like, a month. so i had all that going around in my head on friday and it was really hot (again…forever) and then there were other people in my life having issues and i was just like OH FOR CRYING OUT LOUD! everyone, just go away and deal with your shit! it amazes me how grown up people seem completely incapable sometimes of handling their own emotions. one of the first things i learnt in recovery was that no one can MAKE YOU feel anything. yes, people can trigger stuff, but its entirely up to you how you respond. and sometimes i dont respond that well either. let that be a lesson to me.

thankfully, i have been lucky enough this week to meet some fantastic new academics who have moved up here from melbourne. they are very smart kind friendly people and they have two lovely boys and two lovely dogs, and they convinced me i needed to meet them down the beach with one of our other workmates for a run with the dogs, so i did

and it was great. we talked a bit about work but not much, i just tried to enjoy the feel of the sand between my toes and the salt air in my face, and the laughter of children running around with dogs and falling in the water and getting wet and telling fart jokes (freud was so right about boys, by the way). we didnt leave until dusk, and i watched the moon come up over the ocean,

and felt a lot better about things. i’ve been feeling better about living here generally lately, i think meeting a few new academic people has helped with that, and making an effort to go out with them and with my old phd buddies, just to get some balance. most of my current group of friends are knitters, and i love them, but its nice to have people locally i can gossip about work with, and also to dream up new projects with. im looking forward to working on a paper with one of my beach mates, for example.

i think the stress has been exacerbated by not really getting any brain down time. i go to bed with my brain whirring still, and i try to read a few chapters of my latest swedish crime novel, but my head hurts from all the stuff thats in there. i even forgot about social engagements this week, i’m so focused on what theories im trying to remember for this grant application.

oddly, knitting hasnt really been helping, where once it was my biggest stress release. i’ve been working soley on this cardigan in the gorgeous madeline tosh pashmina i bought in NYC in 2010

obviously, with the intention of wearing it there in a few weeks time. i need to get one section of it to 17cms before i started the decreases for the waist band, and it just seemed to take forever

in fact, one night im sure it went back 1cm. but last night, finally, i got there, and today the cardigan looks like this (not that this tells you a lot, really)

an odd selfie there, sorry, but the colour is pretty true. im really happy with the fit so far, and the softness…oh my. but i have now discovered a new soporific in the form of endless stocking stitch. i knit one row and im falling asleep!

i think i just need to be a bit more balanced, a little less intense about things. i need to ignore the people who want to pull me in different directions, i need to stand firm and say what i really mean, and i need to come out of the book fort every so often. i dont think i can shut my brain down right now, its doing what it needs to do to get the job done, but i just need to remember that thats not all there is to life, and that its ok to take some time out to just breath, to just be. and then in a few months i’ll be complaining about how bored i am!

k xx

sewvember and stuff

02 Sunday Dec 2012

Posted by DrK in friends, sewing, work

≈ 8 Comments

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christmas

so here we are into december already. how did that happen? i feel like i hardly had a chance to breath this year, so much has happened, and so much to deal with, think about.

i hate this time of year. i cant even begin to express the depth of anxiety and stress and discomfort the christmas insanity causes. its like usually normal people lose control of their senses and become mindless zombies throwing good money after bad for people they dont even like, and complaining endlessly about spending time with family they cant stand. of course, it feels like this to me because i chose not to buy into it, and chose not to spend time with ‘family’ i cant stand. i havent had a family all together christmas in the traditional sense in at least 20 years, and when i did it was violent and abusive. so its not just anxiety i feel at this time of year, but a blood chilling nauseating terror. of course it doesnt have to be that way, and one day when i am rich i will fill a plane up with my favourite people and my dogs and go to a desert island and eat mangoes.

but this year, i am just trying to stay calm and participate in the things i like, with the people i like. this past weekend was one example. my old sydney thursday night knitting group has a regular christmas gathering, and considering i’m still friends with most of those people, i went along. it involved high tea at the american club, high up in a building on macquarie st with views back over the eastern harbour.

spectacular isnt it? thats the sydney conservatorium of music building, in the botanical gardens, right below us. there were lots of weddings happening the gardens. it was 37 degrees celsius outside. yikes.

part of this high tea tradition is the exchange of hand made christmas ornaments. its a ‘secret santa’ kind of arrangement. i was very lucky to score a gorgeous little teapot and some knitted balls.

i made my first sewn christmas thing to give away

i liked it so much i made two more for the sockvictims,

and filled them up with mozart balls (more balls!), my favourite christmas chocolates. the afternoon was spent knitting, and eating

and i wore an entirely me made outfit, my new red shirt and japanese cotton skirt

it was very cool in the heat, and i am happy with how both of these garments turned out, but really i am not very comfortable dressed like this. its not my natural style, and its very colourful and cutesy, which is not really me. i think i will save this look for special occassions, and go back to making things im comfortable in. this is what i think is potentially most liberating about sewing, the ability to make things i really like and create my own style. like this cute little skirt that came together with a single seam, a hem and an elastic waist band.

its the black and white stretch cotton from tessuti in melbourne. and then i spent all day yesterday drafting a pattern from an old tshirt

and cutting out pieces

and sewing neat seams

until i had the first draft of this shirt

its a lovely soft jersey, also from tessuti in melbourne. its light and drapey, and way too big in the bodice! today i will taking it in significantly. in retrospect, this is not the best fabric for anything fitted, its just way too soft. i should have made this into a single piece short dress, but it will still be entirely wearable, especially when i make a little stretch black skirt to go with it.

so i am not sure that i exactly made one thing a week like i said i would in sewvember, but i certainly made more than 4 things in total, so that kind of evens out! i have some plans to sew some signature items for christmas presents for certain people, but you wont see them till after they are gifted. in the meantime, i think sewvember has been a valuable month in learning new skills and getting my head around garment construction.

to be honest though, my head is in a bit of a different space at the moment. apart from the christmas thing, i am anxious about people and friendships – i have struggled lately with aspects of various relationships and whether to be honest about them or not. i try really hard to be honest with the people i care about, and hope it doesnt backfire. sometimes though, i find people and groups so difficult i could easily crawl into a cave and not talk to anyone. ever.

and work is so intense right now, you would think at this time of year it might ease off, but i have a big project just starting that involves building a website/work application, and i had a terrific meeting with my potential developer and a really excellent business analyst on friday night, and today i am trying to type up my notes.

eep. and at the same time, i am starting to put together a big grant application that is due next march and could pay my salary for three years and let me work on something i really love

theory, history and nursing, altogether in one big project. i’m really happy about where its headed, and feel like this part of my life is finally going where i want. its a good feeling, to be using my brain and thinking about ideas, i can feel them buzzing around and even when i stop for coffee i take out my note book and write stuff down like a complete nerd

i need to remember that being happy at work is a real gift, and i shouldnt let all the other little things about life and society and family and people get under my skin.

life is good right now, i should just let myself enjoy it.

kxx

emerald city?

19 Monday Nov 2012

Posted by DrK in friends, travel, work

≈ 14 Comments

Tags

melbourne, nursing history

i am sydney born and bred. st margarets darlinghurst, maroubra, cronulla, those are my childhood stomping grounds. but i am not a sydney soul. the sutherland shire is not now, and was not then, a good place to grow up for the bookishly inclined. i guess its partly those memories that make this little seaside town sometimes uncomfortable for me as well. and while i would move back to sydney from here, especially the inner west, in a heartbeat, i always feel like i belong there when i visit melbourne. it was like when i went to europe – amsterdam, rome, even london, i just felt like i could breath there, that i had come home somehow.

i’ve been to melbourne a few times now, always for work. i have had some good and bad experiences, personally, but i always like the city and feel comfortable there. this time, i was invited to my very first nursing history conference, invited to give a paper no less, so i booked it in, and when the conference fell conveniently on a thursday and friday, i thought perhaps a weekend stay was called for. and it being rosered’s birthday, and the fact that she missed knitting camp this year, i suggested to her she might need to come and help me, you know, shop.

so i arrived last wed night and stayed at a very groovy little apartment on flinders lane. fantastic location, i would stay there again for sure, and it was a very cute little place, complete with a cat on the window sill.

i was nervous about my paper, it was my first time as a historian (not a nurse) talking to a bunch of nurses about why they needed to think about history, and i thought they might look at me like i had two heads, but they were fantastic. in fact, it was one of my best conference experiences ever. i think because i was back in what i know and love – my phd was in history and social theory, and it really is my passion. all the policy stuff i’ve been doing has very nearly drained my academic soul, so it was such a pleasure to be able to talk freely and passionately. people really responded, i had a steady stream of ‘really enjoyed your paper’ type comments for the rest of the conference, along with many great conversations about archives and stories and issues that i’d clarified for people. and here was i being nervous. silly me. as i said on facebook, smashed it. it felt good. as did hanging around right in the middle of the city for a couple of days, pretending to be a local!

i was also lucky that some other work people were in town for a different reason, and they happened to be going out to phillip island to see the penguins on thursday night. they invited me along and we had a great time. but they dont let you take photos. so we didnt. because that would be wrong. its a shame though, because it really was a magical sight, about 1600 penguins came waddling up out of the ocean to their little burrows and i had a great time working out their travel and living dynamics. as one of my nursing colleagues said ‘look at you socially deconstructing the goddamn fairy penguin’.

then friday night jane arrived, and because my apartment complex was booked up, we had to move hotels, so we took a wotif deal and scored the ultimate in melbourne vintage luxury, with a great deal at the hotel windsor. as i dragged my rather heavy bag up spring street, i saw katie noonan come out and get in a car. its that kind of hotel.

we stayed up talking too late friday night, of course (no people, there were no lingerie pillow fights!), and we were a bit slow to get moving saturday morning, but we had only a couple of things on our agenda: breakfast at cumulus inc, fabric shopping at tessuti, and shoe shopping somewhere.

i had already checked out sole devotion, they had gorgeous red sandals i wanted but they were $390. even i have limits. anyway, it was a very successful day, with some great fabrics purchased; a lunch time meeting with janes friend jill who recommended a fantastic little vintage haberdashery type store; new shoes for me (jane was so restrained) and then room service for dinner (too tired to venture out after all that shopping!)

sunday we had plans to meet up with our twitter/blog friend gidgetknits, and that was great fun, we caught a tram up to fitzroy and it was great to get out of the CBD a bit and see where all the hipsters were. and i do mean ALL the hipsters. oh my goodness. vintage brown owls meets portlandia. cripes.

anyway, we had a great time, with more food, coffee and fabric. then suddenly it was all over and we were back on the plane to sydney, where we did a few circles over yass before being allowed to land eventually. sydney airport was a mess sunday night, worse than JFK i swear.

normally i would have monday at home to get through the washing etc, but i had to go into the office today to edit the little film i helped make for a student resource on mental health nursing. im really enjoying working with nurses, academic ones in particular who are a bit older and a bit wiser, and they are being very kind and welcoming to me. i even got some tips for how to deal with the very posh nursing history conference im going to in virginia in march next year (they ‘dress for dinner’, and i have to take some kind of nursing memorabilia for an auction!). most of the good nursing history work here is being done in melbourne, so i suspect another visit is on the cards. and you know, if a job came up there, well who knows where the yellow brick road leads?

but for now, i’ll make do with the photos.

k xx

a finished thing

12 Monday Nov 2012

Posted by DrK in FO, friends, knitting, shawls

≈ 10 Comments

Tags

colour affection, loft

mostly this is a post about knitting. some food, some thoughts, but mostly knitting. so the knitting first. i finished a thing, finally, and i love it

its the ‘colour affection’ shawl. in ravelry my project name for it is ‘a lofty affection‘ because its made with that gorgeous brooklyn tweed yarn called loft. affection is certainly an emotion i associate with this project. i bought the yarn for it at purl soho in new york city, the day after the night before in baltimore. i had a smile on my face then, and im smiling now thinking about how i felt that day. how hot it was in new york, how tired i was. how i spent many hours and hundreds of dollars in that store, and how i shuffled through crowds and the subway with massive paper bags full of yarn like a crazy knitting lady. i started this almost as soon as i got home, and i finished it earlier this week. thats about 4 months of work. i made it bigger than the pattern, because i had so much yarn, so i did extra stripes in the two colour section, which meant extra short rows.

it has a massive wing span now, but its perfect. it sits beautifully on my shoulders and wraps around so i will be nice and snug when i wear this when i am back in new york city in march.

i washed it in some soak that i also bought at purl, and it came up beautifully soft and drapey. i used to think this kind of wool was scratchy, but not anymore.

its lovely right up against my skin and the smell! smell is such an evocative sense – its so powerful with this project it brings tears to my eyes.

im not sure i will ever be able to wear this without all those reminders, but what a blessing, really! im so grateful for all the memories this shawl conjures up, and to have a project that carries so much meaning.

and i love the yarn so much that i cast on another project in it straight away. as well as all those greys, i also bought two skeins of a lovely blue called almanac, and ive started a ‘daybreak’ shawl with it.

im going to alternate the greys left over from the colour affection in with the blue, and then i will have two shawls from that yarn. i also love the difference between the garter and the stocking stitch, the stocking stitch makes a lovely lightweight fabric that would be perfect for a fair isle cardigan. i see more hours in purl soho in my future, and many many more enjoying the feel and smell of Loft.

the photos of me above were taken in surry hills on saturday right after knitters guild, by missfee. (anyone would think she was, like, an artist or something!). saturday was a really fun day, with suzyhausfrau visiting guild, then lunch, then dinner out with a small group at a swanky restaurant in darlinghurst. i have a soft spot for christine mansfield. not just her amazing food, but her principles and her life journey. she’s quite inspiring. her food was pretty damn awesome too.

then on sunday a whole bunch of us got together again to celebrate the ‘festival of scorpio’ with more knitting and afternoon tea at alison’s house.

because you can never have enough knitting and cake. it is interesting how many of us are scorpios, and whether you believe in that or not, those of us born under that sign are quite similiar in many ways. not always easy people, but passionate, thoughtful, intelligent, creative and loyal to a fault.

like many knitters, really. many of whom are like, totes awesome, even!

k xx

44 and 18

29 Monday Oct 2012

Posted by DrK in friends, personal, recovery

≈ 13 Comments

Tags

its been a big week here in little old wollongong, and i’m celebrating a couple of milestones. well, every day is a milestone really, and on saturday i woke up to a bright sunny day and the fact that i was now 44 years old. i cant even think about what it means to be heading deep into my 40s. i cant even begin to comprehend where all that time went. well, actually, i know quite well where a lot of it went, but i’ll get to that later.

i do love this time of year. not because its my birthday so much, but because almost all of my favourite people are also scorpios, so it becomes one long month of celebrations of some kind. it started on friday with cake at work, and then saturday morning i got taken out for breakfast down at the beach, then i drove to sydney and dropped in in at ikea (storage items) and to fionas for a cup of tea, and throughout the day i was showered with truly amazing gifts.

i cant believe how incredibly thoughtful people were. i dont really expect presents, and im always grateful no matter what i get, but this was just amazing, to get my favourite skin care and hand creams, lovely yarn, sewing supplies, including 2 metres each of a discontinued ikea fabric and beautiful blue linen cotton. the best thing about all these amazing gifts is that they all came with beautiful cards with messages of love and hope for the year ahead. it warmed my heart to have people say such lovely things to me and to know they’d thought hard about what to get me.

saturday night i helped kris and rodd set up a little for their annual halloween party. we dont really do halloween in australia and people here can be so ant-american, but i love the way kris tries to keep her traditions alive, and i think its important to support her. it must be hard being so far from home at these significant times of year, i know i would struggle. plus, hello, halloween food, and dress ups. fiona and i went as hipsters, from portlandia. mostly we were ironically bored, looking for things to put birds on or to pickle, or just, you know, over.

and kris made a triumphant cherpumple as my birthday cake, in an ode to all things american excess. i TOTES approved. it was a great night.

sunday morning i scurried off early, kris and rodd were still pretty much in bed, and drove over to pick up jody and zena. we went for a little fabric shopping expedition out to cabramatta, home of all things vietnamese.

we had the best time. it was just fantastic. so much fun shopping, great food, terrific atmosphere. although if i hear ‘gangnam style’ one more freaking time! its OVER people. OVER! and when the shopping was over, i got to cuddle and kiss the gorgeous cassidy.

its moments like these i regret not having some of these of my own. and then they scream and throw tantrums, and i get over it.

sunday was an interesting day in another respect too. when we were browsing through shops, eating authentic spring rolls, spending money on gorgeous fabric, i realised that its been nearly 20 years since i’ve been to cabramatta. its feels like a whole life time ago, like someone elses life. especially considering the last time i was there it was not to buy fabric. which brings me to the other anniversary. this week i also ‘turn’ 18 years clean and sober. the people who know me know this about me already, but for some people it might be news. some people might think i shouldnt talk about it, but i actually think its important that i do. my boss knows, and he respects me for it. he knows it brings an extra personal dimension to my work, especially when im looking at the complex issues around young people and alcohol. and also, he doesnt judge. if people do judge me for something i stopped doing 18 years ago, mostly i dont give a rats arse, and also, they’re probably not people i want to know.

18 years is a long time. i was 26 years old when i checked into detox and rehab for the second time. the first time i stayed clean for a year then used for a week. the second time it stuck. it kind of had to. it was either that or go to jail. my drug of choice came with a serious price tag and lengthy criminal sentences. im lucky i got off scot free from all that. im so lucky i didnt catch one of the diseases that go with that life. and im really really lucky to be alive, when so many people i knew died right in front of me.

i cant tell you grateful i am this week. despite how difficult the last couple of months have been, this week i feel like a cloud has lifted. i am so proud of what i have done with my life, how i fought my way back to where i always wanted to be, using my brain, a DR in front of my name. but more than that, im proud of how i try really hard to be true to myself and let people get to know the real me, how i FEEL everything that once i used to medicate. i used to be scared and shy and full of rage, now i am fearless and brave and full of love. i am surrounded by love, by people i adore, by people who love me back. apart from my jem, there is only one thing i want that i cant have, and he knows who he is. but now, instead of being sad about that, im grateful and happy for the short time we had, and im incredibly thankful for the lesson he taught me – that i can open my eyes and my heart to love and not have it kill me, that its just waiting out there for me to grab it if im brave enough.

once, i was the most hateful person i ever knew. that me is gone. i dont miss her one bit. thank you to everyone who has helped me find my true self again.

kxx

a perfect score

04 Thursday Oct 2012

Posted by DrK in friends, personal

≈ 11 Comments

Tags

sewing

i can not tell you right now how happy i am that i took this week off work. you know how you dont realise sometimes how stressed you are until you take the time to do nothing? that. its thursday, and im not officially back at work till tuesday, and i bought home files to work on and things to read, and i havent done any of it, and im not going to, and it feels great. what would be the point of taking time OFF from work if i did work? this is the trap of academia. to get ahead you have to do a whole lot of unpaid work and hope it pays off, and it probably wont, and all you do is end up stressed out and bitter. i’ve realised lately that my mental health is not some kind of indestructible trampoline that you can just bounce shit off eternally. at some point it weakens and will snap. last week i thought i had snapped and it was a little scary. and then i realise how resilient i really am, how many skills i’ve learned over the last 18 years, and how i just need to remember them when it counts!

it doesnt hurt that i very carefully planned a whole long weekend in sydney, and it was just what i needed. it started on saturday with brunch in surry hills with missfee and knitterjp, followed by a little trek to tessuti fabric.

i’ve never been there before, previously being immune to the sewing bug which i have witnessed creep insidiously though the knitting community, similar to that other dark art called crochet. but i am sick of paying a fortune for plus sized clothes that are usually made in crappy prints designed for old ladies, so the invitiation to attend a sewing bee at yogaknitdras on sunday proved too hard to resist. i was well enabled by my partners in crime

and after much umming and ahhing, i bought some relatively plain black and white weave cotton blend for a simple gathered skirt. just being in this amazing store made me realise how fabric stashing could become another dangerous past time. then i headed to roseredville to hang out with rosered and connor and andrew made paella for dinner, and then sunday we headed over to alisons for a little sewing bee.

al’s spare machine declined to work for me, so jane was very gracious and made most of my first skirt, but i watched what she did and cut some bits out and sewed a couple of seams, and thought maybe i could do this after all.

(dont worry the bubbles are fake!). it was a lovely day on the leafy north shore, some local wildlife came down to say hi

and there was much parroting inside about the joys of parenting and the difficulty of finding ones thread cutter. at one point some menfolk arrived and were a little taken aback by the scene caused by three sewing machines and too much sugar, but it really did make me realise how precious groups of women can be.

i had lots more in that vein over the rest of the weekend, including a great time at kris’ on sunday and monday nights watching battlestar galactica (why i have not watched this before??) and my first attempt at guitar hero.

apparently i am no richie sambora. then monday we repaired to the pub, as you do, for knitting and lunch and cider

another fantastic afternoon with so many of my favourite people. i didnt even have to talk, i just sat in my little chair and knitted my little shawl and ate hot chocolate mousse and realised yet again how perfectly lucky i am.

tuesday morning i was determined to buy myself a sewing machine. i fortified myself with coffee at double roasters first,

and then headed to ikea where i heard they were selling machines for about $70 but they were all out. so i bought some fabric instead.

never fear, i drove home via the craplight of doom and managed to pick up a basic Elna model for $160.

it doesnt do a lot of fancy stuff, but i didnt want to overcapitalise early in my sewing career, especially if there is no guarantee me and sewing even mix. the last time i did any was in year 10 textiles and design class, and i couldnt sew in a straight line to save myself. i did some practice on an old pillow case before i started anything serious

i still have issues with straight lines, obviously. but i forged ahead anyway and made my first skirt.

its a kind of a hyrbid gathered/a line, i want to make a proper a line but need a better set of tools i think. otherwise im thinking about a simple wrap around. i can see this getting very addictive.

so it was a really great, creative and productive weekend. the best thing was being back in the city. it made me realise how deciding to leave wollongong is absolutely the right decision. its not one i make lightly, and on tuesday night there was the (rather impromptu) and difficult conversation about leaving the dogs with the ex. i feel sad and guilty and selfish, but i know they are loved and well looked after, and who says their life has to stay the same forever anyway? and ultimately, if i dont look after myself, no one else will. there are so many things about city life i miss, and mostly its the people, just having people around. not even people i know, just other life forms, the sounds and smells of people getting on with life, random people in the street who sometimes smile, who are also annoying and rude and completely crazy. just like me! i miss that sense of busyness, that casual connection that living in close proximity gives to other humans.

this weekend made me realise that starting a new phase in my life doesnt have to be scary or stressful, it can be exciting and fun, could bring all sorts of new possibilities. it reminded me that memories can be a source of joy instead of sorrow. it made me realise i am strong and brave enough to be independent (not co-dependent), that i do know how to be happy, that its ok to be happy. and it reinforced yet again how important it is to be close to my wonderful friends, who make me laugh and smile and sometimes even cry, whose simple words of advice help me see things entirely differently, who are just there, always present and close.

i feel very blessed.

kxx

a room of my own

Category Archives: friends

words are overrated anyway

for all the coffee in brooklyn

kylie and the ivy league: part one

the joy of life

how’s the serenity?

sewvember and stuff

emerald city?

a finished thing

44 and 18

a perfect score

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