this is not a post about anzac day. i dont have the energy or the will to rage against nationalistic militarism anymore. its just all so insufferably sad, and mostly because that ‘lest we forget’ thing is so ironic. we’ve already forgotten. we never did really remember. otherwise we would stop the wars. we would stop sending young people off to die. we would stop having bombings and shootings and poverty and starvation and inequities and intolerance that requires putting brave men and womens lives in danger everyday. and its worse when you know someone. so i just cant even think about it. im just sitting here listening to the birds in my quiet little suburb, thinking about what im going to do for the next four days (im not going into the office tomorrow), thinking about how i’ve managed to get through this last week back at work, thinking about how im going to get through the next couple of months.
this week has been exhausting. being back in the office meant leaving lila at home. she is still small enough to try to escape through some gaps in the fencing under the house, so i have enlisted ricco and possum variously as babysitters, so that i didnt have to lock her inside. i was happy to find her still in the backyard on monday when i came home.
ricco has enjoyed it, surprisingly. she has learnt how to rumble with him, so now he is interested in her. they play endlessly, chasings and bitings and he rolls her on her back and pins her to the ground with his head. sounds like love! and then they sit together for hours eating bones. she just basically imitates him. its very cute.
possum has liked it slightly less. she is ok with Lila now but wont play with her. she only snarls at her when there’s food involved, but mostly she just glares at me like ‘what have i ever done to you to deserve this stupid puppy?’. she let me know how she felt when i came home yesterday, barking at me at the gate
i had to laugh. thats what happens when you get old and cranky possum. kids are really annoying.
possum and ricco have gone away for a few days with trent and his family, so its just me and lila all weekend. i dont have any plans to see anyone. its sunny at the moment so i might take her down to the beach later and introduce her to the ocean, and then there will be lots more of this
i am desperately trying to finish this cardigan
just so i can finish something. and also because its getting cold and i want to wear it. i am also thinking about thinking about maybe thinking about making a quilt.
you know i went through a sewing thing a while ago? well i hate it. i dont like the whole act of sewing, the whole machine thing, its too technical for me, and also its boring. so thats my biggest hurdle with the quilt thing. i could hand sew it i guess, like the olden days, which would be kind of approriate because all my bits of fabric are quite ‘old fashioned’ (I got those two bundles at purl soho and brookyln general store) and i want to make something very traditional and historic that means something to me, a reminder of america i guess. and i really love this star quilt
but its too complicated for a beginner. so i will keep thinking about it for a while, and probably not do anything. i dont have enough fabric yet anyway.
maybe i need another trip back to america? i’ve been taking lyns advice and surrounding myself with reminders, postcards, pens and notepads, tshirts
and being back in the office has helped. i’ve had to go through all the projects on my list, and work out some plans to get rid of some of them so that i can focus on what i really need to get done. on that note, i gave myself a thorough soul searching about work, and what i want to do and why i want to do it. do i really want to put myself through the stress of a fulbright application? is working in america what i really want to do? are my motives pure? no of course they arent. but yes i do want to do that work, because (all other things aside) i do actually think its important and interesting. so this weekend, as well as finishing a big history of nursing literature review paper, im starting to work up the proposal for the fulbright (and for other grant applications so i can get some money to go to archives).
i never know how much to say publicly about my work ideas, i dont want them to get stolen, but basically i would be using my other big grant application as the basis, and situating that issue in the global history of whiteness. it makes sense to me, and im actually really excited about it. which is a good sign.
i hope that that work will contribute to the way we think about health and work and race, and remind people that very little in the modern world has ever happened that didnt benefit white corporate greed in some way.
lest we forget.