tomorrow its officially over. im back at work. ok, so monday is my ‘write from home’ day so i probably won’t go into the office. in fact, i have plans to take my laptop and meet up with catherine for a ‘shut up and write’ session together down at diggies. we met down there on thursday for coffee. it was hot. it looked like this:
so i’m not going to moan too much. but it does give me that kind of queasy sinking feeling. not because i dont like my job. for the most part i enjoy the actual work. im a good researcher, and most of the time i like writing. but thats not all i have to do. im doing two different jobs at the same time, and its hard to time and project manage them both. and because i work directly for the dean, and sometimes for the vice-chancellorship, theres a lot of stress that goes with it. i know some people who actually have really stressful jobs, sometimes doing things that involve dealing with actual crazy people in crazy situations (as opposed to me, dealing with academics in a university) will think i dont know what stress is. they’re probably right. but academics in an australian university are their own kind of crazy, let me tell you. australian universities are not nice places to be at the moment. i could, and probably will, write a whole blog post about the mindless lemming like behaviour currently being encouraged by administrators and government, where we all march to the drum of international rankings and MORE OF EVERYTHING, and no one stops to think about how thats going to play out in the real world where sometimes more is just not possible. some days my boss will come out of his office with three or four different schemes (for me to enact) aimed at the MORE and i could almost cry, its so frustrating, the constant knee jerk reactions. so its that im not looking forward to.
but i shouldnt talk about it before it even happens. i should concentrate on all the good things about my week off. so i’ve been down the beach (see above), i went to sydney (see the last post), and the last few days i have been quietly hibernating in my little house. talk about domestic goddess – seriously, i’ve turned into martha freaking stewart. for a start, i baked, turning this
(yes that is a lot of butter), into these:
drunk blondies. so good. i went to the craplight of doom and fought my way through the ridiculous non-displays
to buy some fabric
and make another skirt
(slightly longer, a true ALine. it fits great). i finally restarted my sisters christmas present,
the roller derby leg warmers. ive been hanging out in bed and reading a bit
not all of these this week, but this is the last month or so.
no one could accuse me of literary snobbery at least. im a bit tired of the swedish crime fiction and trashy vampire porn, so i’ve gone back to the classics.
and i couldnt bring myself to read that actual piece of soft porn, 50 shades, not because i dont like that kind of thing, but because its soooooo badly written. i opened it randomly and read this sentence where she was describing the best orgasm she’d ever had with the words “it felt out of this world” and im like really?? thats the best you can do? i could do better than that. i SHOULD do better than that. so now im waiting for the sequel to the passage, and should have my hands on the new j k rowling next week (that will be interesting). i feel the need to read more, but where oh where does one fit it in? i usually manage an hour before sleep and that’s it these days.
meanwhile, i’ve managed to get some time with the dogs this week.
even this, sadly, is bittersweet. they are spending most of the time with trent, my ex, and his new family now. it happened kind of suddenly – not how i intended. i had mentioned to him that i wanted to move back to sydney sometime in the next 6 months and i might not be able to afford a house, meaning we might have to talk about the dog arrangements. while i was in sydney last weekend, he had all three, and when i came back, it seems they had moved in with him permanently. i dont know whether doing it suddenly (and without really talking to me) was the best way to do it. you know what they say about ripping a bandaid off. maybe. maybe not. anyway, i had the three of them here yesterday and then the two boys overnight, and its made me realise what it is im giving up.
seriously, does it get any cuter than that? they even slept on the bed with me last night, ricco giving me little nose kisses. sounds weird i know, but i needed it. i’ve been anxious at night time, not helped by getting a random evil text message from that horrid person I met in melbourne.
i dont know why i let that get to me, but it has. night times on my own have been hard lately, with no dogs in the house. ive taken to locking the doors, which i never do. the dogs make me feel secure, and also i talk to them, like a crazy person, just random chit chat. wherever i am, jem wants to sit right at my feet. they love me, and i love them. all of a sudden i dont know if i can leave them.
leaving them also means moving on from the part of my life that ties me most closely to trent. doing things with the dogs was a big part of our life together. im not doing that anymore but we’ve stayed friends and if i leave wollongong, i wont get to see him as much. leaving him behind means im really moving on. ive known him for 17 years. hes the only person in my life who really truly knows me, deep down, in all the dark places that no one else knows. i can and do talk to him about things i dont tell anyone else. all of a sudden i dont know if i can leave that.
i know that thats life, always changing. i know that the point of my life is to be open to that change, to see where it takes me. im trying really hard to let go of the things i need to let go of, even when it hurts, to try and do that gracefully and maturely. but all the same, its scary. good for me, yes. but scary and painful too.
but i shouldnt dwell on that just yet. i dont have any concrete plans, i dont know what my timetable is. before or after christmas, before or after america in march, i dont know. and i still have lots to get through in october and november, including it being my birthday month. bring on the festival of scorpio, i feel like its time for a good party, dont you?