i am trying to control my inner courtney love today. my desire to rage at the world is rather strong, and possibly destructive. i feel like i might say things that hurt other people, or hurt myself. so instead im just going to breath, write a blog post where i probably say too much (as usual) and then let it pass. i try really hard to not give in to anger anymore. its a good emotion, it’s often an energy for much needed change, but sometimes, for me, i use it to cover up how im really feeling. and today thats just sad.
im tired of hearing myself say this. im tired of feeling it. i have a lot of good things happening in my life. i know this better than anyone. im usually the first person to talk about the importance of gratitude to other people. and i hate wallowing. i hate people who do it. its a terrible self-indulgence, and im really not entitled to it. and yet, here i am. wallowing.
worse, im wallowing over the one thing i cant have. three months ago i didnt have it. three months ago i didnt even know i wanted it. and then it was handed to me for the briefest of times, with the faintest possibility of something, and now it feels like its being slowly, painfully, dragged away from me. the tyranny of distance, the harsh light of reality. sometimes, love does not triumph. sometimes, love sucks.
i dont think im depressed. people use that word much too often. the fact that i feel something means im not. being sad is not being depressed. but i think sadness can become a habit. i feel like im getting into a bad habit, like i’ve forgotten how to be happy. even so, as kris pointed out to me other other day, im still doing things i enjoy doing, like walking the dogs, going for a swim, knitting.
although really, im not terribly excited about that. maybe i need a new project? ive gone back to two things that ive had on the needles for a while, the lovely stonecrop stole
in madeline tosh prairie, ‘thunderstorm’ colourway. its nice to be knitting lace again. its also nice to be working on another cardigan
this is atelier, in the extremely nice madeline tosh pashmina in ‘vintage frame’ colourway. i bought this yarn at knitty city in NYC in december 2010, and im going back to the big apple in march of next year (also charlottesville virginia and philadelphia pennsylvania. see what i mean about lots of good things happening?). i would like to be able to actually wear this cardigan when i am there next time.
so you know, thats nice. im actually enjoying work at the moment, which is really weird for me (obviously this should be setting off alarm bells that i am mentally unhinged!!) and im working really hard, sometimes long hours, sometimes taking work home (i know, qu’elle horreur). but it feels good to be using my mind, to be appreciated and recognised, to have some projects really start to achieve something.
and i feel good about having actually made the decision to move back to sydney sometime in the next 6-8 months. i do not love the gong. people who were born and bred here hate me saying that, but if you’ve ever lived anywhere else, you will know what a stifling boring cultural backwater it is. its like living in the sutherland shire (which i did for 12 years as a child and i hated it there too), except more ethnically diverse (which is the one thing i do like about it). the cult of the body beautiful pervades, where thin is morally superior to smart, where motherhood is morally superior to career. i love the ocean, i love being near the water, but the culture that comes with australian beach side towns/suburbs, well it makes me rage. its not enough to be brave and beautiful and strong and smart and successful. you can be a withered up skin cancer ridden bogan and be thin and think you’re better than me. so even though moving will be hard, and i might have to leave my dogs behind (i dont even want to think about that), i will go insane if i stay.
so i need to stop thinking about the one thing i dont have. i need to stop thinking that its the one thing i want more than all the others combined. because if nothing else, i sound like a self indulgent whiny unfeminisity middle class fool, and i really hate those people! and i really need to not let the words of one or two people determine how i feel about myself, if only because what they think about me says more about how they think about themselves.
and i know i have so much to look forward to. not just work and travelling in the future, but in the right here right now. i have this weekend, a long weekend, where i’m going to sydney to hang out with all my fantastic knitter peeps, and there will be knitting and sewing and good food and lots of laughter, and i will feel much better. and i have the week after off work, just a few days annual leave to catch my breath before the big end of year grant writing madness begins. and i will probably go to the beach and swim in the water and feel lucky to live somewhere so healthy and beautiful and relaxed as we move into summer.
and then i will be ready to leave, and start the next chapter of my life.