ive written this post three times and deleted it every time. i dont know how to put into words whats going on in my world, i dont know if i should even try. i keep thinking of the lines from the yeats poem ‘the second coming’:
Turning and turning in the widening gyre
The falcon cannot hear the falconer;
Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold;
Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world…
i have been in a state of emotional anarchy. i havent been able to stop long enough to draw breathe. trent moving out into instant new family, the excitement and ecstasy of the trip to the US, how to deal with that (badly) when i got home, the chaos and agony of the trip to melbourne, home for two days and then off to brisbane,
where i see my sister and we talk about family (enough to drive anyone to tears)
the crazy stress of work and my over-demanding boss, worrying about money, feeling lost and alone and then lines of communication re-established with the US and trying to handle that better.
and then i get a little infection and go to a medical centre (not my usual dr) and get prescribed some antibiotic that doesnt come with a product information sheet, so i start to feel really bad and wonder whats going on and look up the side effects and see i’ve been prescribed three times the recommended dose, that i should have been prescribed it in combination with another drug, and i have every single last one of the side effects. couldnt eat, sore all over, nausea, wanting to sleep ALL THE TIME. just awful. i even feel asleep while i was knitting yesterday, like a bloody grandma (i am making good progress on the socks though)
i stopped taking the drug yesterday and am hoping that i will start to feel more normal from today. i’m hoping the impending doom feeling was also a side effect, because i need to find a way to get back into my life. i have felt so disconnected, like im floating in some space between here and there, between fantasy and reality, and not really being anywhere. i have questioned everything i thought was important about my life, have felt like i wanted to walk away from it all.
but you know, its also a good thing. i know this sounds crazy, but i really believe we’re not given anymore than we can handle, and its usually something we need to learn. i’ve needed to learn about balance. ive needed to learn about letting go of control, about not needing to put labels on things. i’ve needed to learn that how i feel about myself cant come from someone else, it has to come from me. but ive also needed to learn that i am lovable, and that i deserve to have that in my life.
in the grand scheme of things, i know i have a good life. if you had told me 18 years ago it would be this good i wouldnt have believed you. and i realise now i have no idea where its headed. i know i cant make it be how i want, i have to make the most of what i have been given, and that can change from one day to the next.
and i have to remember to breath.
k xx
Oh hon. Thinking about you. Perhaps you should be looking for windows of opportunity and listening for whispers of promise on the wind that you can grab with both hands.
You are amazing at what you do, and they things you have achieved are awe-inspiring. But you need to look after you, and be a little bit selfish now. There will be something to ground you soon. It just may not be what you expect. Fingers crossed that everything settles quickly.
*big hugs*
thanks. made me cry
The great thing about people is the ability to adapt and deal with (almost) anything. I have no doubts you can deal with whatever is put in front of you, and if you need help, you know who to ask.
(and who knew you could put videos in blog comments?! Heh heh, not I!)
Funny, I just said (on Friday, I think) that I’m feeling one of those “whatever doesn’t kill me makes me stronger” modes right now. We’re just coming out the other side and things are starting to brighten up somewhat. I know when I’m in the middle of one of these, it feels endless and it’s hard to remember that nothing lasts forever, not the good nor the bad.
I happen to think you’re amazing. You are so talented and able to put yourself out there. I hope you’re feeling physically better soon. Antibiotics can play havoc with your body and emotions.
oh thanks so much everyone for the lovely comments. im so lucky to have people i can be honest with. and the antibiotic poisoning is starting to abate and the fog lifting a bit, so thats good. but really, thanks xxx
You are both amazing and loveable.
The sock is gorgeous.
Please breathe.
(and now I will be humming “Praise you” all afternoon!)
Oh no, you poor thing, what an awful conjunction of events. The side effects could definitely make you feel poorly in body and mind. I hope you are feeling much better now. Sometimes life is just horrid, but I think that being able to recognise what is happening is a good thing, and knowing you have coped before and handled it well will give you confidence. Take care.