ive written this post three times and deleted it every time. i dont know how to put into words whats going on in my world, i dont know if i should even try. i keep thinking of the lines from the yeats poem ‘the second coming’:
Turning and turning in the widening gyre
The falcon cannot hear the falconer;
Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold;
Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world…
i have been in a state of emotional anarchy. i havent been able to stop long enough to draw breathe. trent moving out into instant new family, the excitement and ecstasy of the trip to the US, how to deal with that (badly) when i got home, the chaos and agony of the trip to melbourne, home for two days and then off to brisbane,
where i see my sister and we talk about family (enough to drive anyone to tears)
the crazy stress of work and my over-demanding boss, worrying about money, feeling lost and alone and then lines of communication re-established with the US and trying to handle that better.
and then i get a little infection and go to a medical centre (not my usual dr) and get prescribed some antibiotic that doesnt come with a product information sheet, so i start to feel really bad and wonder whats going on and look up the side effects and see i’ve been prescribed three times the recommended dose, that i should have been prescribed it in combination with another drug, and i have every single last one of the side effects. couldnt eat, sore all over, nausea, wanting to sleep ALL THE TIME. just awful. i even feel asleep while i was knitting yesterday, like a bloody grandma (i am making good progress on the socks though)
i stopped taking the drug yesterday and am hoping that i will start to feel more normal from today. i’m hoping the impending doom feeling was also a side effect, because i need to find a way to get back into my life. i have felt so disconnected, like im floating in some space between here and there, between fantasy and reality, and not really being anywhere. i have questioned everything i thought was important about my life, have felt like i wanted to walk away from it all.
but you know, its also a good thing. i know this sounds crazy, but i really believe we’re not given anymore than we can handle, and its usually something we need to learn. i’ve needed to learn about balance. ive needed to learn about letting go of control, about not needing to put labels on things. i’ve needed to learn that how i feel about myself cant come from someone else, it has to come from me. but ive also needed to learn that i am lovable, and that i deserve to have that in my life.
in the grand scheme of things, i know i have a good life. if you had told me 18 years ago it would be this good i wouldnt have believed you. and i realise now i have no idea where its headed. i know i cant make it be how i want, i have to make the most of what i have been given, and that can change from one day to the next.
and i have to remember to breath.