i used to be one of those people who was into personality profiling. astrology, myers-briggs, all that stuff. i say ‘uesd to’, as i scoff in my self-righteous post-phd clarity (this from the person who cant tell her left from right but anyway). but seriously, i actually think there is something in those things. i know they’re great generalisations, and i know we tend to identify with the good aspects of these profiles that we’d like to think we have, but in reality, as a Scorpio, with a Myers-Briggs type INFJ, i’m happy to admit i can at times be a…ah…painful individual.

i’ve been doing a lot of thinking (or should that be feeling?) about the ‘introverted intuitive’ part of myself lately. people don’t often get that im an introvert, but introversion in this sense doesnt mean ‘unable to socialise’. i do find socialising very hard work and hate being in groups of people, but i force myself to do it because i know its good for me. its ironic that my job often forces me to speak out the front of 300 people. dont think that doesnt give me cold sweats and nightmares.

i force myself to act like a social extrovert because my natural tendency really is to be reserved, to be guarded with my feelings, to withdraw and hide (yes i get the irony of writing about that on a blog!) my point is just that giving into my intoverted self has got me into some very bad dark places in my life, and every day i make a concious effort to not go there again. some days i feel so lonely and alone in the world (thank you loving caring family NOT) that i struggle to leave the house. but i make myself do it anyway.

so its been a bit of a conscious effort of mine lately to come out of my shell in relation to the opposite gender. three years ago, when trent and i split up, i swore to god that was it for me and men. never ever ever, i said to myself. well, you know what they say about that. in the last twelve months i find that i have broken that vow three times. how did that happen?! well we can thank facebook and notes under doors in hotel rooms for two of them, and one, recently, was a conscious decision to meet up with someone i’d been talking to on a website. we met up this weekend just passed in melbourne, where i had to go for work. i was a little unsure about this person, we’d talked on the phone and there were some things that make me nervous, but i thought i was just trying to talk myself out of it, so i ignored those feelings and carried on. at first when we met it was ok, great even, and then it started to unravel. the things that had made me nervous on the phone emerged in person, and when i tried to back out, it got really messy. ugly even. abusive email and text message type ugly.

so now im home, and i dont ever want to leave again. i can feel the walls coming up again, can feel the slow curling of myself back into its little cave, can feel the fake smile hiding the hurt and anger underneath. im angry that i didnt trust my intuition. in reality, its probably my greatest strength. i’ve always just KNOWN about people. im never wrong. why i doubted myself this time is beyond me. i wont make that mistake again. the last couple of days in melbourne i felt like i’d been physically assaulted, bruised – i just wanted to crawl home into bed, be around my dogs and the people who knew and loved me. i’m so lucky to have those people in my life, they’re like my own little personal warriors against my inner demons.

the desire to spend the rest of my days as a crazy knitting dog lady has, ironically, been helped by the return of my sock mojo. i only took one project with me to melbourne, and it was the pointelle socks i’d decided to start in madelinetosh ‘composition book grey’. when i was alone finally on monday night after the conference, they looked like this

those are also cookie a socks on my feet, my favourite, hedera. and knitting these i am reminded of why i like cookie patterns so much. they keep my brain occupied, and they move really fast! by the time i got home last night, they had grown to the heel – this view is from the front

and this from the back.

i should have the heel done tonight, although really i should be working on a cardigan before winter starts to slide away from us.

despite all the drama, it was lovely to be in melbourne, but i didnt do any major shopping, just a little bit of comfort treats on monday afternoon.

the conference was a high level govt-higher ed talk fest where i didnt have to do anything but listen, and i learnt a lot, but im sick of conferences now. the problem with that of course is that next week i am in brisbane for another one, where im actually delivering a paper. the only good thing about that is seeing my sister, who i wished lived closer and wasnt so wrapped up in her bloody crazy roller derby thing so we could talk more. maybe i will tell her that.

all part of the in or out dilemma i guess.

k xx