superfantastic melbourne

24 Friday May 2013

Posted by DrK in work

Tags

its been a busy, crazy, overwhelming, exhausting but mostly fantastic week, much much more successful than i’d anticipated. i should have known it was off to a good start when the flight down was on time and there was a skybus waiting right there and we were in the city in about 15 minutes

and when i got to the hotel they upgraded me to a deluxe room

with this amazing view of the yarra river looking up over southbank and towards the city centre view1

and then down past evil crown casino and right across from the convention and exhibition centre, which was the conference venue.

i settled in and then met up with another UoW person who was presenting at the conference and a couple of our students and we wandered up southbank for dinner

i slept pretty well that night in my king size bed with the feather pillows!

tuesday was my presentation day so i had a light breakfast and walked down to the convention centre which was completely taken over by our conference

apparently there were more than 4000 participants which was a little overwhelming. this is probably the biggest nursing conference in the world, it was the international council of nurses congress and there were literally people from ALL OVER THE WORLD.

its very humbling. and we all know im not a nurse, i was there to talk about the role of nursing history in the bachelor of nursing curriculum and when i saw who else was in my session and who was the chair i freaked out a bit. i also freaked out when some really big names in nursing history walked in. as if the size of the screen wasnt freaky enough.

anyway, it was a great session, the other three papers were great, and i went last, and i was half way through my talk and getting lots of engagement from the audience, and i said something about history being reflective practice and suddenly people just started applauding, and i was like what?? what did i say?! it was kind of funny, im sure i went bright red and wanted to crawl under the lectern. but i carried on regardless, and managed to finish in time, and i got so many great comments afterwards, people asking for my card, lots of congratulations. someone tweeted that it was the best paper at the conference (i really seriously doubt that). then i had a quiet chat with julie from UPenn and we talked about what i wanted to do next and how they would like to support me. im not going to say more than that, there is paperwork to do and formal processes to be followed. but im hoping i will be back in philadelphia sooner rather than later.

then i hung out with some of the history people and we swapped ideas and talked about possible collaborations and it was such a great feeling, to be among my own kind, to be able to talk about concepts that people just got, and to throw ideas around and to gossip about who else was doing what… there is nothing quite like the feeling of intellectual camaraderie.

also, i was really thrilled that two of my knitter peeps, who are also smarty pants academic people, one of whom was also presenting at the conference, came to my session, and i caught up with them later that night for a special celebratory dinner at movida aqui.

i cant even begin to tell you how great it was. fantastic spanish tapas: sardines, jamon, wagyu, prawns, char grilled brussel sprouts in a proscuitto and mushroom sauce, house smoked salmon to die for, potato and chorizo bombs. and then dessert: churros and hot chocolate sauce, salted creme caramel and pedro ximenez trifle with apple and quince. ah ha. oh and virgin mojitos. nice. also, it was great to go out with people i know from knitting but be able to talk about work, and what’s happening in australian universities at the moment, and to get lots of ideas from both of them about innovative approaches to learning design for the reflective practice (or is that reflexive?!) subject im teaching next session. it was really the highlight of the week, to be honest. when i got back to my room the fire things along southbank were going off, it was like someone was saying ‘here kylie have a superfantastic end to your superfantastic day’!

wednesday morning dawned with an amazing sunrise over the yarra, we dont get them like this on the coast,

and then it turned into a sunny day, for about 10 minutes (typical melbourne). i had to pop down to the conference venue briefly

and do a bit of running around for my boss, who was coming down that night for a workshop we were running on thursday (it was boring, i couldnt wait to get home) and then i had some time to myself which included lunch at southbank

and a slow walk across the river through the autumn trees

coffee in degraves st,

browsing shoe shops in laneways

and popping into one or two craft shops for a few supplies: knitting

and for the quilt im not working on.

the paper wrapped pieces in the middle are what i just bought at l’ucello, to match up with the bundles i got at brooklyn general store (left) and purl soho in NYC (right) , and some odd bits from l’ucello when jane and i were there in november (at the back). i think you can see a colour scheme start to come together…i think it needs some more dark blocks. the intention is to make this quilt to celebrate this year, my 45th (i will be 45 in october) with reminders of some of the places i’ve been, the moments i’ve had, the people i’ve met. im not in a hurry, just waiting for the right pieces to find their way to me.

i got home late last night after a few flight delays and a 40 minute holding pattern over storm riddled sydney. it was such a joy to come home to my little puppy, who is not so little anymore

i did not like being away from her very much at all. i have some archive visits coming up and i dont want to leave her again. but she had a great time with trent and his family and the other two dogs, and its lovely to know shes got two homes and is so well loved everywhere. she also learnt a few manners while she was away. i must try not to ruin her again!

so now im writing a history lecture for class next week, then i need to turn the conference paper into a journal article, and the fulbright applications are open and i have the archive visits to plan, with ideas for at least 3 papers from them, and all the people to email back about other ideas, and books and papers to read and my project moodle to finish and the subject moodle for my big course next session to work on as well.

did someone say superfantastic?!

k xx

my superfantastic life

17 Friday May 2013

Posted by DrK in personal, work

≈ 11 Comments

Tags

home; happiness

most of you who read this know that once upon a time i lived a different kind of life that led to years of rehabilitation facilities and regular attendance at 12 step meetings. i dont do them anymore, after 18 years i dont need to sit in a dingy room with bad instant coffee and hear people whine about their miserable lives. some of them will be the same people i knew 18 years ago, but most of the people i knew then have either gone on to get a life as well, gone to jail, or ended up dead. i think about going every so often, mostly so i can give something back, but then i talk to someone who reminds me how far removed i am from that life now, and i realise i dont need that kind of support anymore.

but i did learn lots of good things in those early days. i learnt a lot of shit too, but some of the good stuff has stuck. there are two things in particular that have been running around in my mind this week, two pithy little sayings that, like most stereotypes, contain a kernel of truth.

one is never judge other peoples insides by their outsides. and the other is to always have an attitude of gratitude. its very easy to think that other people have superfantastic lives and to be bitter and resentful about that, especially when you focus on what you dont have based on what it LOOKS LIKE they have. it can be hard sometimes to not have had a rosy upbringing with lots of parental support, to have gone off the rails and to have had to fight your way back (im not talking about just myself here), and to find yourself 10 years behind your peers in relation to the things you’re SUPPOSED to have done to have a successful life… the right job, the mortgage, the babies.

but these are external measures that more often than not force people into yokes of obligation and stress, when it might not even be the things they want, and are no sure road to happiness anyway. i was just talking to trent about this this afternoon – this idea that we’re meant to buy into – that happiness is some great big thing, with fireworks and designer everything. and i said you know, i think happiness is just really the little things. all this week, i have felt wave after wave of gratitude for the small things in my life, the life i do have, the life i live, the one that i think matters, that i judge by my own internal standards, not someone else’s appearance.

it helps that i have finally landed the job i want. obviously, im still on the short term contract, so its not THE JOB yet, but i had a career development meeting with my head of school this week and we talked through the timeline for the advertisement and interviews, and what kind of things i need to have ready, and we’re looking at decisions being made in august. but things have happened this week that make me feel like im a more permanent part of the school already. the move to the new office has helped, as i talked about a few posts ago. this week though the transition was complete. the temporary incorrectly spelled ‘kylie’ on the door was replaced with a proper sign

the temporary single desk designed for a share room

was replaced with a proper L shaped desk

so i can sit at my computer properly without getting RSI

and dont have to have my back to the door but face out into the hallway and have people say hello when they walk past

in my career development interview we talked about the big research project i’m trying to put together, it was the idea i went to the universities of virginia and pennsylania with and now hangs outside my office for everyone to see

and ive written a detailed proposal for the bits of it that i need to do now, the bits that can wait a few months, and the bits i need to go overseas for. my head of school was more than happy to give me some money on the spot to get to archives in sydney and canberra over the next month or so, so i can put together the material i need for some quick papers and the two international fellowships im applying for later this year. im blown away by her support.

i sent that proposal to my mentors at upenn and i got some fantastic feedback. my intellectual hero even called it ‘a fascinating premise’ and gave me some pointers about things to consider and what archives i would need in philadelphia, washington DC and back in new york (state. westchester, to be precise, at the rockefeller archives). my knitting colleague in brooklyn and i have been talking about working together, we think we have an idea close to ready, and the director of the barbara bates centre in philadelphia who was so nice to me when i was there will be here in australia next week for the international council of nurses congress in melbourne, at which im giving two papers (i fly down on monday). we’re having dinner together tuesday night and she’s going to read my proposal on the way over and then we can talk about what i need to do to make it happen. if im lucky i might find myself back stateside over our summer.

ive also been involved in some other really exciting projects this week with my lovely friend sam, we have a few things on the boil that we think the uni might fund, and im so happy to be working with someone who appreciates my strengths, and has let me tap into hers. i think i see big things in our future.

so this is my superfantastic life. when i was a kid, i only ever wanted to write. i wrote my first novel when i was 10. i wanted to be a famous author. now i dont care about the fame, but the writing is still the thing that burns inside – and ive found a way to combine it with my other great love, which is reading, which is not really about reading so much as it is about learning. i love being this busy everyday, i love how much energy i have to get things done, how i have a little idea for a subject im teaching and say to someone ‘oh maybe i could make that into a digital resource’ and next thing i know im building a project moodle that the whole school will be able to use. this week ive had other staff ask to have lunch and help them work out their own research issues. ive been asked to run a session on critical theory in health research. i come home, cook dinner, and read some more, or knit a little, and fall into bed exhausted but happy. im not having so many bad dreams or waking up in cold sweats. i did wake up at 230am with an idea for a paper though!

its a superfantastic life because im happy about the small things. im enjoying being independent and having time to myself. im doing little things around the house, fixing a hole in the fence, sorting out cupboards, even enjoying the housework! this week it got cold so i pulled out the rug and laid it on the floor, all by myself (heavy rug, heavy furniture).

i also rearranged all my pictures so the van goghs are together on one wall and i can sit and stare at the rothko i got block mounted.

there are two more still to do, and one will go into work. i love the independence of a car to drive to and from work or to visit friends, i love coming home to my sweet little dog who is always so happy to see me

i love feeding her and bathing her and training her and going for walks with her. im not rich but i love having enough money to do what i need and not be stressed or in debt, and i love thinking that if i get my permanent job i can make an offer on this house that i love,

or buy a different one somewhere else, or not buy anything except a plane ticket.

yes there are things i want, things i miss. sometimes i get sad, or angry, or lonely. there are times when i want to be in washington DC or new york city so bad its like someone stuck a knife in me. but then i think about how quiet it is here, and how i see this every night when i park outside my house

and i remember how important it is to be grateful for what i do have, to accept the things i cant change, to get on with the things i can.

lucky me

k xx

words are overrated anyway

13 Monday May 2013

Posted by DrK in friends, personal

≈ 6 Comments

Tags

guild, sydney

i am not, as you may have noticed, a woman of few words. god only knows i wish i was, as i suspect, do some people who know me. but you know, i write for a living, so i cant help it. its also a reflection of the way i think, in my head, working everything out all the time. but i think i’ve done enough of that lately. so this is the last week or so, in pictures. mostly. there are still some words. sorry.

im still getting settled in my office, they put a new name thing on the door and left off the I in ‘kylie’

better than some variation of ‘carley’ i guess. they’re going to replace it though.

there was a lunar eclipse of the sun. it hurt my eyes (yeeeees i know you’re not supposed to look at it).

saturday i caught the train up to sydney

its a lovely train ride along the coast

north

and was a warm humid day. not at all like autumn.

it was blissful to be alone on the train for an hour and a half. as we sped through the bush, i read this very interesting book which is giving me lots of ideas

southern sydney suburbs slipped past as we crossed the georges river

and then we disappeared underground as we approached the city

i got off at central

and met up with missfee to have coffee and wander along hipster crown street in surry hills

it was ‘inner city knitters guild meeting’ and we had lots of fun in our lovely room above surry hills library

then a few of us wandered down riley and campbell streets where autumn is starting to make an appearance

to our usual hipster haunt, orto trading.

fantastic baked eggs, which i regret not ordering. i wanted ice tea (now addicted to it thank you america) but they were out, so i had organic ginger beer instead. so freaking hipster

thats a sock im knitting. its not for me. i tried to take a hispter selfie but jane insisted on being silly

i dont think she looks a day over 35 do you? then i got on the train to head home, reading my book again

and it got dark and stormy as we headed south, and was raining by the time we came out of the bush at stanwell park

the rain didnt stop the weekend motor bike riders,

this is a really great piece of coast road to ride on, so i dont blame them. i love being in sydney, but this train ride home always takes my breath away.

yesterday was mothers day here. i hate mothers day. i was really angry most of the day, thinking about how i was so completely failed by my own mother, who didnt believe me when i told her i was being abused, how she sent me and my sister to school covered in bruises, how i had to mother her, and mother my sister, and never got mothered myself. sometimes i feel like shannon noll.

then i snap out of it, and realise im not angry im just sad, and it makes me sad that other people get to celebrate that day and i dont, but i read this great blog post and then this one, and talked to some friends who are in the same position, and i think of how many great mothers there are out there who do great things, and i remember im a grown up now anyway and thank god i dont have to talk to my crazy arse bitch of a mother if i dont want to.

so i did lots of chores around the house, happy to notice the magnolia finally showing signs of autumn (because ENOUGH ALREADY of the goddamn sunshine)

i got some information from my mentors at the university of pennsylvania about how to be a visiting scholar there, so that inspired me to make another mind map of my project

making it into a picture instead of words showed me how there is central idea running through everything im working on, and i can feel it starting to come together, and its very exciting.

then i cooked myself an awesome dinner

and loved my gorgeous girl

and that face just about says it all, really.

k xx

on further reflection

08 Wednesday May 2013

Posted by DrK in personal, work

≈ 5 Comments

funny what a difference a few days make. i guess you cant rush your own healing processes sometimes, you just have to let time do its job. i feel like i’ve come out the other side of some weird space where i didnt even know who i was really. i should have expected that, the trip to the US was pretty major in lots of ways and its just taken me a while to sift through it all and let the dust settle.

but settle it has. strangely, its been helped by moving offices at work. which has me thinking about this whole concept of intellectual space, and the idea of a ROOM of my own, which is what this whole blog is about. a while ago i tried to start an extra blog, a work one, where i talked about my crazy arse ideas in a way that wouldnt annoy my friends or the people who read this blog for the knitting content (although i suspect those people abandoned me long ago. knitting? what knitting?!)

so i was going to start that up again, but something happened at work that made me realise what a bad idea that would be. the reason it didnt work before was because it felt fake, and forced and also kind of wanky. and this week, i had a meeting about me taking on this big postgrad subject as the course co-ordinator. the subject is called Reflective Practice, and its about how as a health practitioner you have to be aware of your own position all the time. its you, yourself, acting upon the mind or body of someone else, a someone else who is not just a symptom but also a whole person, complex, contradictory, confusing. and i was talking to the current co-ordinator about how she introduces herself to the students, and how she tells them her story, so that she models the principles of the course in the way she teaches it. and then i got feedback about this big nursing history paper i’ve been trying to write, and two people said ‘it needs to be a reflection, it needs to be your own personal story of how you got to your way of thinking’.

and it was like a lightbulb went off over my head. people ask me how i come to be working in nursing when im a historian by training but probably a sociologist by inclination. sometimes i simplify that by saying i just do history of nursing, but thats not what i do at all. my head of school told me yesterday that the old course-cordinator was really excited about me taking over the course because ‘i just got it’ and i do. that course suddenly highlighted for me why i am where i am, and what skills i bring, and how history and sociology and theory and research all tie together, in both the subject matter and approach to that course, but also to me as an academic.

and to me as a person, because they are not separate. i am not the academic i am, i am not the thinker i am, without my own personal history. that history influences the theories im interested in, the way i write, the way i teach, the objects and subjects that make me angry, distressed, passionate. its the ability to bring that with me into my work that makes the work ring true, that gives me something to say and the energy to say it with, and that closes the circle in relation to who i am. my work gives meaning to my life and my life gives meaning to my work. suddenly everything makes sense.

so i made a mind map on the big white board in my new office with the great view

and out of that one simple circle comes all the different projects, that are not always history and nursing specifically, but are always connected back to that centre. i’ve done a good job the last few days of listening to peoples advice, offloading things i cant handle, pushing back on things i cant do, and finishing things i really wanted done. i worked hard on sunday and again yesterday on a paper that i’ve been lucky enough to be asked to contribute to. despite much procrastinating, it was finished yesterday

i think i’ve mentioned my new friend sam, who has come up here from melbourne. not only is she a TOP CHICK , she also loves dogs

(apparently she loves dogs who love the ocean – that is her trying to stay upright while oscar goes for a swim and lila tries to figure out what the hell is going on). apart from that, sam and her lovely family have welcomed me into their lives personally with open arms, and now sam has done the same intellectually by asking me to contribute a theoretical framework to some research she already had underway. i cant give the specifics because of the nature of the funding, but once its been approved by the funding body, we will be submitting it to one of the high end sociology of health type journals, probably qualitative health research (even though their guidelines to authors are 60 pages. not thats not a typo. the article is only 22). so this paper isnt about nursing, but its about developing the theoretical part of my work, and while it feels like an offshoot, its really not. its how i think about everything, applied to one particular health issue.

and now i’ve got another offshoot to work on, which is a presentation for a conference in melbourne in a couple of weeks, which will then become the aforementioned article on my personal reflection through nursing history, which will then become a lecture in the subject im teaching now, and then my opening lecture for the new subject next semester. and its also the approach that will underpin my fulbright application. yes im going to do it! i have support from the relevant people, so its all systems go – applications open in a week and close in august so i have some time to get it all together, and then cross my fingers.

i finally feel good and together and strong again. and im all fired up about recent political bullshit here where women are still being told that their worth lies in motherhood rather than careers, where millions of dollars get spent enabling THOSE women to have it all and those of us without kids for whatever reason are seen as less important, assumed to have more time, less responsibility, not facing the same internal career barriers, and it makes me more determined than ever to make my career really count, to embrace my intellect and be the ‘woman of calibre‘ i know i am.

in a strange away, this is all because of getting my own office. its made me feel like i have a right to my space, both physical and intellectual, that i am valued by my school and have a contribution to make, and that they expect me to make it. and that reminds me what virginia woolf herself said, that a woman must have a room of her own and 50 pounds a year if she is to write. which takes me back to why i started this blog, and why it makes no sense to have a separate one for work, and so im just going to keep writing about my work and my feelings and my dogs and my knitting in the one space, because they all make me who i am, and because everything is always connected.

k xx

refocus

04 Saturday May 2013

Posted by DrK in personal, work

≈ 6 Comments

i felt bad about my last post, it sounded like i was complaining any way i looked at it, and i have no real right to complain. and then yesterday, driving home from sydney after a day with friends, i realised it wasnt really complaining, it was just stress, and maybe even a call for help. i dont handle stress well, i dont mind being busy, but when i feel too much pressure from too many angles, i get emotional and overwhelmed and forget how to be logical and rational. its been really compounded the last couple of weeks because i come home only to dogs, and there is no one really to just download with, and the dogs look at me kind of of funny when i try and tell them whats going on at work.

i realised this week too it isnt just work, i have been stressing out about organising an exhibition stand for my knitters guild (something like what i did last year for the easter show) and on friday it all got a bit much so i wrote a long email to my friends asking for advice and the advice was unanimous. drop it kylie and focus on whats important.

whats important is my career. i dont want my work to be stressful. its actually the most important part of my life. that doesnt mean it gets to be easy, and there arent hard times, but it shouldnt be the thing that tips me over the edge, that has me not eating properly, not sleeping, crying for no reason, freaking out about going to the supermarket. that is not right.

so im refocusing. i have asked to hand over the exhibition co-ordinating and the guild have been supportive. a bit of paperwork today and i can get rid of it. i feel really bad about it, i hate being one of those people who commits to things and then pulls out. but things changed last week at work, in a good way, and i want to be able to enjoy those changes, and make the most of them, and not stress about knitting, of all things!

the good things at work? well i moved offices for a start. because im on a short term contract i’ve been sharing an office, but because the intention is to make me permanent (if im successful in applying for my own position in a few months time!) and because im teaching, my head of school thought i needed a space to myself. so thursday and friday was spent moving from here (a rather pokey little cupboard)

to here

its still not finished,

that table under the window is going to go and im going to get an l-shaped desk so that i can have my back to the window and not to the door. ive got heaps more books at home to take in, and both of the rothko prints i bought home from NYC with me are in the shop being framed, so i will hang one of them in my new space as well. i have a big window, with a view of trees and a nice breeze, and lots of natural light, and im right near the school office so people walk past and see me and drop in to chat and its great.

also this week has been about carving out my intellectual space in the school, so i was asked to co-ordinate a large postgraduate subject called Reflective Practice. its not nursing specific, its a course taken by a lot of mature age health professionals wanting to improve their approach to their practice, so it touches on issues of self awareness, theory, method, philosophy, history, sociology and critical reasoning. its right up my alley and im looking forward to it. its a big responsibility though, we offer it on 4 campuses, online and in Hong Kong, and i have to transfer it over to moodle too before july. so theres lots to do.

i just need to focus now on whats going to help me. that means taking care of my diet and shopping properly, getting some exercise every day, taking time out to just sit and knit

(i am up to the pockets on atelier and will be able to wear this soon), hang around with the people i can talk honestly to and say no to things if i have to. one thing i learnt in america was how much i actually enjoyed being on my own. i thought i hated it, thought i needed to be around people all the time, but really i dont. its been a blessed relief this week to come home to this space

and just breath. its been an up and down few months. i havent always handled things the way i would like. im still a bit raw emotionally, and thats also because this month signifies 4 years since trent and i split up. that sounds like a long time but its not really, and everyday i learn something new, move on a little bit more, get a bit clearer about who i am, what i want.

and then there’s my lovely girl.

friday night Lila spent over at trents house so i could get up to sydney early. by about 3pm yesterday i was just itching to get home. it sounds silly, but in a few short weeks she’s become a big part of my life. she’s super smart, very people and other dog friendly, affectionate, cheeky and lively. she is a breath of fresh air in my life, and puts everything else in perspective.

and now its sunday morning, and im going to go get dressed and take her for a walk, and then im going to come back and write some more on that theory paper, and maybe knit a bit and do my washing, and cook something healthy for dinner, and be thankful for the life i have, and hopeful about where it’s heading.

k xx

the not so ivory tower

01 Wednesday May 2013

Posted by DrK in work

≈ 6 Comments

i am sitting here at my computer at home, trying to write a very complicated theory paper. see:

im finding it a little hard to focus. it’s been a stressful week and i’ve been trying to think of a way to write a post that doesnt sound like one long white middle class wallow, because i do so hate a wallow! so i’ll try not to wallow.

the stress this week has been mostly work related. as part of my old job, i was working with my boss on a big university wide policy project. it was a project we were asked to do by the senior deputy vice chancellor. we’ve spent nearly two years on it. about 12 months ago the university got a new vice chancellor and he’s been on a restructure war path ever since. everything is changing, all the time. its a difficult place to work right now, and people are stressed and anxious and also, kind of bitchy. there’s a lot of jostling for position. and my old boss has been removed from his old position of extreme power for…well not much. its hard to watch that happen. he’s been good to me, but for some reason, he’s seen to be aligned with the old regime and the old regime is on the outer.

so on monday, when we met with the vice chancellor and his advisory group, our two years of work came to…well not much. i was pretty angry. not because of the work, thats the risk you take with policy work. you make recommendations, they get accepted or not. you cant be too attached. but it was infuriating to sit in a room full of suits and be told they wouldnt be going in that direction because…well no one could tell me that really.

i have been thinking a lot about academia the last couple of weeks, whether its somewhere i want to be. ive seen a lot of bad behaviour lately from senior academics who really should know better. a lot of it impacts on me because of the level i’ve been working at, and now im trying to escape that side of things and forge my own path way. i need to do that, or i will be a very unhappy person.

sometimes i think that people think that life in the ivory tower is some kind of breeze. i dont think they have any idea how really incredibly hard it is, to have studied for 10 years, to have earnt these letters after our names, and now to work the way we work, in the realm of ideas, and the responsibility we have with teaching, and the way the goal posts are always moved by some short term political agenda. the way we have ever increasing performance expectations and less money to meet them with, that most of us are on very short term contracts, with the threat of ‘non performance’ always hanging over our heads, working 6 or 7 days a week just to meet all those expectations. the way we’re asked to do a lot more for a lot less than the people who went before us, and they have tenure and we do not. and we do all this for much less money than most of my friends who work in the corporate sector, who then get to chill out on the weekends, while i write the paper i didnt get to finish in normal working hours. and for what?

as a member of generation x, i went into academia because i believed in the power of ideas to change lives, to change thinking. i dont want to be like my parents generation who only care about work for profit. i want to do something that means something. but its getting harder and harder to maintain the rage in the current economic environment. and personally, i am about half an inch from a complete burn out and meltdown. i am being pulled in different directions by people who i have been helpful to in the past, who have taken credit for my work, and now see they have nothing real of their own, and are desperate to hang on to me. and i dont want it. i just want to be left alone to do what i love.

so i am practicing saying no. i am trying to take things slow and not actually do things just because someone else wants them done. i am practicing the art of the push back. its hard. its hard to say to a senior professor ‘ah thats not my job anymore, you’re going to need to take the lead on that’. but i have to do it.

and i have to look after myself. i took advantage of the beautiful weather over the weekend to take lila down to the beach and introduce her to the ocean

and that helped because it reminded me how beautiful this place is sometimes. i sat out on the back porch and drank tea and read a book (a work book, but an interesting one)

and then i stopped doing that and just lay in the sun with lila, enjoying her mischieveous attempts to get my attention.

i took the time out to go get my hair coloured, in a possibly useless attempt to take care of the increasing grey,

and the walk in the sun up my street from the hairdresser put a spring in my step for a while.

im trying to do these things to stay balanced, to feel ok in my life and not get overwhelmed.

for some reason, im not sure why, i have been a bit overwhelmed with feeling the last couple of days. i’ve cried a lot today…songs play on my ipod that remind me of people, lila does things that remind me of jem, i read articles like this that remind me how much i’ve been through, how much i am still trying to process. i wish i was quicker at just getting over things. but im not. i feel them too hard, too deep. thats just who i am, i should just accept it. not try and rage against it.

so im grateful to be able to work from home today, with my three gorgeous dogs,

and every time i cry, lila comes and puts her nose on the back of my leg, and i give her a cuddle, and then i write a few more crazy words about discipline and excess and the creation of deviance, and i think about the exciting new direction my work is headed and the great people im working with, and tomorrow when i go in, im being moved to a special new office, and well, you’ve got to be happy about that right? so im not going to wallow, because these are all still first world problems, and im lucky to have them.

k xx

memorias

24 Wednesday Apr 2013

Posted by DrK in dogs, work

≈ 9 Comments

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anzac

this is not a post about anzac day. i dont have the energy or the will to rage against nationalistic militarism anymore. its just all so insufferably sad, and mostly because that ‘lest we forget’ thing is so ironic. we’ve already forgotten. we never did really remember. otherwise we would stop the wars. we would stop sending young people off to die. we would stop having bombings and shootings and poverty and starvation and inequities and intolerance that requires putting brave men and womens lives in danger everyday. and its worse when you know someone. so i just cant even think about it. im just sitting here listening to the birds in my quiet little suburb, thinking about what im going to do for the next four days (im not going into the office tomorrow), thinking about how i’ve managed to get through this last week back at work, thinking about how im going to get through the next couple of months.

this week has been exhausting. being back in the office meant leaving lila at home. she is still small enough to try to escape through some gaps in the fencing under the house, so i have enlisted ricco and possum variously as babysitters, so that i didnt have to lock her inside. i was happy to find her still in the backyard on monday when i came home.

ricco has enjoyed it, surprisingly. she has learnt how to rumble with him, so now he is interested in her. they play endlessly, chasings and bitings and he rolls her on her back and pins her to the ground with his head. sounds like love! and then they sit together for hours eating bones. she just basically imitates him. its very cute.

possum has liked it slightly less. she is ok with Lila now but wont play with her. she only snarls at her when there’s food involved, but mostly she just glares at me like ‘what have i ever done to you to deserve this stupid puppy?’. she let me know how she felt when i came home yesterday, barking at me at the gate

i had to laugh. thats what happens when you get old and cranky possum. kids are really annoying.

possum and ricco have gone away for a few days with trent and his family, so its just me and lila all weekend. i dont have any plans to see anyone. its sunny at the moment so i might take her down to the beach later and introduce her to the ocean, and then there will be lots more of this

i am desperately trying to finish this cardigan

just so i can finish something. and also because its getting cold and i want to wear it. i am also thinking about thinking about maybe thinking about making a quilt.

you know i went through a sewing thing a while ago? well i hate it. i dont like the whole act of sewing, the whole machine thing, its too technical for me, and also its boring. so thats my biggest hurdle with the quilt thing. i could hand sew it i guess, like the olden days, which would be kind of approriate because all my bits of fabric are quite ‘old fashioned’ (I got those two bundles at purl soho and brookyln general store) and i want to make something very traditional and historic that means something to me, a reminder of america i guess. and i really love this star quilt

but its too complicated for a beginner. so i will keep thinking about it for a while, and probably not do anything. i dont have enough fabric yet anyway.

maybe i need another trip back to america? i’ve been taking lyns advice and surrounding myself with reminders, postcards, pens and notepads, tshirts

and being back in the office has helped. i’ve had to go through all the projects on my list, and work out some plans to get rid of some of them so that i can focus on what i really need to get done. on that note, i gave myself a thorough soul searching about work, and what i want to do and why i want to do it. do i really want to put myself through the stress of a fulbright application? is working in america what i really want to do? are my motives pure? no of course they arent. but yes i do want to do that work, because (all other things aside) i do actually think its important and interesting. so this weekend, as well as finishing a big history of nursing literature review paper, im starting to work up the proposal for the fulbright (and for other grant applications so i can get some money to go to archives).

i never know how much to say publicly about my work ideas, i dont want them to get stolen, but basically i would be using my other big grant application as the basis, and situating that issue in the global history of whiteness. it makes sense to me, and im actually really excited about it. which is a good sign.

i hope that that work will contribute to the way we think about health and work and race, and remind people that very little in the modern world has ever happened that didnt benefit white corporate greed in some way.

lest we forget.

k xx

world weary

19 Friday Apr 2013

Posted by DrK in dogs, knitting, personal

≈ 7 Comments

Tags

Lila

well this has been a pretty crap week hasnt it, as far as the world is concerned. seriously, what is wrong with the human race? boston, afghanistan, a woman murdered and left in her car about 5 minutes from my house, explosions, disgusting vile racist sexist local politics. for the first time ever, if i didnt have to vote in this election in september, i wouldnt. they all disgust me, every single last power grabbing one of them.

it doesnt take much to have my inner misanthrope on the rampage. this week i am really not feeling the love. and then there are things closer to home, with idiots on online forums, and the people who give in to them, and useless unsolicited advice, and people who think they know everything and bullshit at work with my boss who is being replaced doing that ‘but i need to finish all the things’ thing and seeing two years of policy work come to almost nothing and really, i just dont care.

i have been at home this week. i was supposed to be on actual leave but then there was a mix up and im not on actual leave, im just working from home looking after the puppy. of course she is completely adorable, growing fast and getting naughtier

digging holes

eating my slippers

making me think that knitting on the lounge with a dog in your lap is pretty much the epitome of perfection

there are other good things to think about: my knitting mojo is back. i thought that whole grant writing thing before i went overseas had been the death of it but no, since i’ve come home i’ve started two new things:

driftwood in madelinetosh pashmina ‘calligraphy’ (from knitty city). and a pair of socks for someones milestone birthday, hex in wollmeise enabled by missfee.

i’ve also ripped back some of the ‘atelier’ cardigan (also in madtosh pashmina, this colour is ‘vintage frame’, also from knitty city, but last time) and started over with a third ball again

you can still see some of the colour change on the front but not the back, and to be frank, its not that bad,

and i just can not be arsed doing anything else about it!

i’m also happy to have some cooking mojo back, this week i made my famous spicy tomato and chorizo soup

and then some really yummy lamb souvlaki

and now the weather is turning cold i think its time for a red wine beef casserole this weekend.

i hope to spend the weekend knitting and playing with the puppy and not really very much else. i have a tenative lunch date on sunday but i think i’m getting a cold, and i just dont feel like talking. im enjoying talking to the dogs (like a crazy dog person and i dont care) and emailing friends, but thats about as far outside my little cave as i want to go right now.

i think its all part of the reconnect – just being with myself and letting everything return to normal. a good friend told me once i am prone to extremes of emotion and she’s right – i dont usually mind but i think i’m worn out. i need things to be flat and boring for a while. i’ve been trying not to think about what happened or not in new york city when i was there, trying to just ignore it, as if just not looking at it will make it go away, or shrink down to some manageable size of hurt. i cant even really let myself feel what i know is there to feel. ultimately, there’s nothing i can do…. to have come so close and then…aaagh see i cant even talk about it. every time i try i sound stupid, or someone says something stupid, and the only thing i can actually DO is let time find some way to make it hurt less.

and stay away from the stupid crazy people. im very grateful for the good stuff around me, like having rosered come visit for lunch on monday and watching connor play on the slippery dip down at the harbour

like the fact that winter is on its way and im getting a guy out to look at the old Aga in my kitchen and see if we can get it fired up for the season. like the fact that i’ve got good stuff happening at work with good people (i finally have a paper almost ready to send off to a history journal).

like the fact that i have her

its a good life in a world of crazy. i’m lucky i have the choice to keep it simple for a while.

k xx

re/connect

13 Saturday Apr 2013

Posted by DrK in dogs, knitting

≈ 9 Comments

Tags

Lila

of course im going to start with the obligatory cute puppy photos. seriously, 4 days and i am totally in love with this little thing.

shes smart, and confident, and brave and adventurous. she wants to learn, she follows me around everywhere, she eats my shoes sometimes even while i’m still wearing them

she’s discovered tv (appropriately, game of thrones)

she loves rolling around and killing her toys (dragon puppy)

and rearranging her bed

and getting to know possum and ricco

slowly, carefully

and today she even played with ricco and he tried so hard to be gentle with her, it was lovely. it was such a good decision to get her. she’s tiring and challenging and still so much to learn, her and me, but i can tell its the start of a fantastic journey together.

its so lovely to have something to think about, care about, fuss over, worry about, cuddle, kiss, play with, teach. the best thing is the peace and quiet. i know that sounds crazy, because shes noisy and hectic and exhausting, but there are times when i just sit for half an hour and watch her, with nothing else on my mind, and its exactly what i needed.

it was funny really, because today i left her for the day with trent and tracey, and tracey sent me text messages through out the day of her being spoiled and getting in trouble, and it made me smile, i just wanted to leave where i was and be with her. even though i had a great day. it was just kind of weird.

i went up to surry hills for our monthly knitters guild meeting. i havent been for a couple of months, the last one was the day before i flew to the US. it was a crazy day today with people bringing in their excess yarn for sale so it was a full room and lots of action and noise and talking

i may have unintentionally brought some yarn

and then i had so many people come up and ask me about my trip and i dont know how many times i said ‘it was great, really, fantastic’ and it was, theres not a word of a lie in that, but it was also hard and heart breaking and life changing. how do you tell people that?

i had lots of people surprisingly tell me that they had followed my trip on this blog and really enjoyed it and that was really lovely, i was so pleased to hear more than one person say they loved the way i got out there and just did stuff, and the way i showed a side of NYC they’d not seen before, and how they wanted to go there now (i think i should be on commission!). it was just really great to hear that people were reading when i had no idea they even knew i had a blog, and that they enjoyed what i wrote. thank you, to those people, you made my day.

it was hard to be back though. i’ve felt slightly disconnected from people since i got back. im still slightly disoriented, and because so much happened while i was there, so much food for thought, im very concious of being in this kind of liminal space. i have this feeling that im perched right on the edge of something major, also because one of my mentors from the sydney uni grant application suggest i apply for a fulbright scholarship. these are extremely prestigious and competitive. i have no illusions about whether i’d get one or not. but i meet the criteria. i have a project. i have a supportive partner university in philadelphia to go to. i could work up a project that would see me there for up to a year. just thinking about that gives me goosebumps. could i do it? should i do it? one of the criteria is ‘the ability of the applicant to adapt to life in the united states’. that made me laugh out loud. how much information would be too much, do you think? “the applicant mixes well with locals”?!

so yeah. theres a lot happening. but it was lovely today to just be with my people, my lovely lovely knitter people, to walk down crown street in the gorgeous sydney autumn sunshine

to have lunch in our favourite pizza place

to gossip and laugh and try and let things slide back into normal rhythms. or as normal as its going to get.

it was good to come home too, to these three lovely dogs,

and now to sit quietly and just knit for a while, and try not to think too much, to just let the reconnect happen at its own pace, and to be ok with that.

kxx

the caring kind

09 Tuesday Apr 2013

Posted by DrK in dogs, personal

≈ 12 Comments

Tags

Lila

im reading a book by susan reverby called ‘ordered to care: the dilemma of american nursing 1850-1945′. its a fantastic book, one of the seminal nursing history texts. but it should have a much wider audience because it sets the development of american nursing very firmly in the context of wider social changes affecting both work and women. and like all good history, it shows how in many ways, nothing has changed.

in her introduction she writes “this…underscores a crucial dilemma in contemporary American nursing: the order to care in a society that refuses to value caring”. leaving aside debates about the nature of ‘care’ in nursing, you could take the word ‘nursing’ out and have it apply to just about any facet of social life where care is the currency. im going to be a little bit ‘sexist’ and say this is the dilemma that faces most contemporary WOMEN, and i want to talk a little bit about how it affects me and what it’s got to do with getting a puppy.

(gratuitious puppy shot. this is lila, in my arms on the way home yesterday).

there has been a rash of babies among my friends the last couple of years. its an interesting phenomena, the well established career women, suddenly finding themselves mothers, by design or otherwise. i was used to having a group of friends for whom children were not the main talking point. now they are. thats been a difficult transition and not just for me. there are all sorts of reasons why i dont have children and my feelings about it are complex and fraught. there is an assumption, still, in this world that if you are a childless woman you are heartless, cold and careerist. less than a woman somehow. its sexist and patronising and patriarchal and i hate it.

having said that, not having children sometimes makes me really really sad. i used to be very maternalistic. im the oldest child, i protected my sister, i took care of my crazy-arse fucked up mother, i ran the house, i cooked, i cleaned. i babysat the neighbours kids, i worked in after school care, i did primary school teaching at uni, i was a live in nanny. you see the pattern there? i was very well socialised into the female art of caring for others. im not saying men dont care, they do and they do it really well. it just gets displayed differently, usually through paid work outside the home. the fact that womens caring often takes the form of unpaid work inside the home is the root of many continued gender inequalities. but lets not start me on that rant.

what im trying to say is, im a very caring person. just because i am the kickarse mother of dragons on my way to a top shelf academic career, strong and brave and independent and all that, doesnt mean i dont care, and it doesnt mean i dont WANT to care in an active way. im good with kids for a start. i can put pretty much any baby to sleep. i probably no longer have the patience to have one full time (thats why you’re meant to have them when youre 20, strong and stupid), but i know what to do and im not scared of the little terrorists.

not having kids can leave a big hole in your heart. a little over 9 months ago i wasnt really conscious of my heart. a little over 9 months ago i met someone in a hotel in baltimore. we have stayed in contact, and it has not always been easy. we met by accident and never expected to click the way we did. it looks like an easy situation to people on the outside but its not. love never is. and love is not a movie, or a fantasy. real life is hard and awkward. as shakespeare said ‘the course of true love never did run smooth’. my point though, is that i let myself love, i let myself care, when i thought that part of me was done. coming home from america this time, i felt the emptiness of my house and the fullness of my heart and i knew if i didnt DO something, i was going to turn inwards into that black bottomless pit of despair and maybe end up not caring about anything ever again, not even myself.

so i got a puppy. her name is lila. is she not adorable?

thats really the only explanation i have. its danny’s fault. i need to actively care for something that is right here, with me, flesh and blood, not just digital. i need to DO, rather than talk (yes i know, me being a woman of words and all). its like what sarah said in my blog comments, remember the balance. i could have come home and become totally obsessed with work (and i kind of am) but its all in my HEAD. i need something that is not from the head, but from the heart. i need to do something with all that feeling. i know shes a dog and its not quite the same, but last night when i watched her look at me through the bars of her crate, whimpering, it made me cry. i love her so much already. (freud rolls in his grave right about now).

so i did it. i got a puppy. almost on the spur of the moment, i drove down to wagga wagga on sunday night (after meeting alisons’ lovely little human baby Sean, who fell asleep in my arms, so that didnt help with the whole Clucky Much thing) and crashed in a hotel (450kms is a long way to drive in just over 4 hours. no i didnt get a speeding fine). 830 monday morning i was at the Vet’s clinic where she has been since Christmas. when they bought her out i went oh! she sat in my arms and kissed my face, and i laughed at her cute little stumpy tail. she is a border collie/stumpy tail cross and thats just funny considering my previous statements about not getting another cattle dog after jem. i put her in the crate in the back of the car and headed off back across the endless plains,

stopping at Gundagai to water and feed her. she travelled really well, a little stressed at first, howled a bit, but i gave her something to chew on and she settled and slept, and drank out of the fold up bowl when we stopped and didnt pee in the car or anything. we stopped a couple more times, at yass

and goulburn

where we had some lunch (yes she got some sausage roll too)

and then down the hill to the coast. i stopped at trents and introduced her to ricco and possum, neither of whom were at all impressed, and i have bought possum home with me. i dont want lila to be totally alone, and possum is a good puppy socialiser. she doesnt like them, in other words, so she snarls and growls but wont ever bite. lila is showing very good respect for the older dog, and being submissive but not scared, she keeps following possum around hoping she will play and then copying everything she does

and then when shes inside she wants to be right at my feet (hello cattle dog) and last night i let her find her own place and she chose the mat, and i treated her for lying down, so she stayed there.

i had a moment then of complete overwhelm, like oh my god what have i done, i completely forget how to do this, but then 30 something years of dog ownership, 17 of them with trent, who is an awesome trainer, kicked in and i remembered what to do. she slept in her crate all night, im trying to do everything right and not baby her, but set a routine early, so shes outside now and only comes in when i’ve got time to sit with her and play. when we play she doesnt get to jump on me, she gets treats for sitting and lying on her mat or answering her name (already a good response) and as much as i want to be silly and run around with her, i want a stable well adjusted dog who knows the rules and still has a playful streak. so im trying to not fuss over her, not pat her too much, especially when shes anxious, ignore her when shes silly, praise her when she’s good. she seems ok with all this, shes just taking it in and listening and exploring

i think she will be good. we’ve had adventures already with her getting stuck under the back porch, trying to grab my wool off the table, thinking the macbook power cord was a tug toy. all the usual things you learn to watch out for. but she’s super smart and picking up on things, and she looks at me with those big eyes, so small and vulnerable, and my heart just melts.

i can feel things slow down, having her in my life. i’ve been hectic and stressed, and already i can feel things start to come back into perspective. maybe i dont actually need to be in the office 24/7. maybe that email doesnt need to be answered right now. maybe its ok to just sit on the back porch for half an hour and watch her wander around the yard sniffing things.

thankfully, i got an email from work last week saying i had too many annual leave days accrued (i know!) and i needed to take some. i talked to my boss and i wont be going in much the next couple of weeks, and i will try and get a paper or two written as well.

but right now, i think im gonna go care for my puppy.

k xx

a room of my own

superfantastic melbourne

my superfantastic life

words are overrated anyway

on further reflection

refocus

the not so ivory tower

memorias

world weary

re/connect

the caring kind

Follow “a room of my own”